Girls

What's so funny, you little creep?

I don't know.

Oh.

You look like a teacher I had in fourth grade.

I thought I wanted my mom to marry him, but now I realize I just wanted to fuck him.

Mm.

This apartment is so trippy.

It's like we're in a Tiffany music video.

Wait, is that really getting you off?

Thinking of fucking me in a Tiffany music video?

- Fuck, yeah. - Ah!

Yeah, me, too.

- "I think we're alone now." - Yeah!

You all doing all right over here?

You don't get pierogies like this back in Michigan.

Which is odd considering the size of the Polish population,

especially in Detroit.

The variations in regional recipe is such a fascinating thing

because some people use more flour...

How's Mom?

Very well.

Very excited about finally getting tenure

- and not having to deal with that... - Papa.

Oh, you know...

as well as could be expected, I guess.

Just a lot of emotions.

I mean, who knew a person could have that many emotions?

How are you, kiddo?

I mean, I know this must be just such a huge shock.

I'm okay.

You know I'm proud of you and I'm worried about Mom, you know,

but at the end of the day, this isn't really about me. So...

Well, sure, it is. I mean, you're part of this family.

When I think about it, my parents have been married

for way longer than most of my friends' parents,

so in that way I'm actually really lucky.

We're really not talking about divorce right now.

What do you mean?

I mean, staying married is not off the table.

People have all kinds of arrangements.

So you finally get the courage to come out of the closet

and you're gonna stay married to a woman?

Okay, that makes no fucking sense.

It works for some people.

You know, I just saw a documentary about a guy, a man who was gay,

and they had grown kids and his wife knew.

Worked for them.

Are you talking about "The Staircase"?

'Cause in that, he... he killed his wife,

so in a sense it didn't work for them at all.

You don't know everything, okay? Basically, you're a child.

I'm actually not a child.

I have way more experience with this stuff than you do.

- You... oh, really? - Yes, really.

I was in a relationship with a gay man,

we broke up, and I've been navigating the choppy waters ever since.

You're a child, basically, okay? I bet you didn't even bring your

wallet, did you? Am I right? Did you bring your wallet here?

- I brought my wallet here. - Oh? Let me see it, then.

No, I'm not gonna show you my wallet for this stupid game.

Let me see your wallet if you're such a grown-up.

I came right from the gym.

You don't have to laugh.

That's right. That's what Jeremy told me.

- Wait, it's not true. - Yeah, he's going.

Cleo?

'Sup, "Whore-vath"?

Can I have a quick word with you?

Just a quick word?

- What? - What's going on?

I sent you, like, ten texts this weekend and called you three times.

You didn't answer any of it.

Well, my phone must have run out of power.

Well, your Instagram told a pretty different story, Cleo. I know that

you and Jake were out in Prospect Park and he made you a flower crown.

- Okay, I'm sorry. It's not a big deal. - It is a big deal.

I'm going through some very intense stuff with my family, okay?

Kind of cosmic, heavy stuff, and I needed to talk to you

and you weren't there.

You're being really intense.

So your dad is gay. So what?

I knew you checked your phone.

My friend Thomas has, like, four dads,

so you need to check your homophobia.

My homophobia?

Cleo, I'm like the least homophobic person you've ever met.

I've had sex with a gay man.

- Well, then, why are you yelling at me? - I'm not yelling at you.

Why are you being such a B-I-T-C-H?

Are you calling me a bitch?

You're being kind of a bitch, so what am I supposed to say?

- You know what? You're kinda psycho. - I'm psycho?

- Yeah. - Well, maybe I am psycho

'cause it was psychotic of me to choose you as a mentee and confidant.

Sorry your parents suck. Everybody's parents suck.

Welcome to reality.

What the eff would you know about reality, Cleo?

What'd you ever learn on the mean streets of Parks...

- Cleo, I believe you have a class. - Yeah, sorry.

Miss Horvath, let's adjourn to my office, please.

I thought we were friends, Cleo.

Friends who could talk about things, real things.

Hannah.

I think I know what you're gonna say, Principal Toby,

and I absolutely agree with you.

I should've saved that conversation with Cleo for after school hours.

- I'm so sorry. - Yes, or not at all, maybe.

Well, yeah, but would it have really been fair to her or to

me to keep all my feelings stuffed inside? I don't think so.

Look, Hannah, you've been a great sub.

You know, you really connect with the kids academically, socially,

and you've got them excited about learning.

I think it's because I really remember

what it was like to be a kid myself.

But the thing you have to remember is you're not a kid anymore.

No, I mean, of course I'm not a kid. The things I've seen in my life,

- it's not suitable for a child's eyes. - But, see, the thing is you need to be

mindful of... boundaries.

Yes.

And concentrate on not going past the boundary.

Okay, I think the reason that's been hard for me this week

is because my father recently came out of the closet as a proud gay man.

Ooh, whoa. Exactly.

That's exactly the kind of boundary I'm talking about.

You and I are coworkers. I'm your boss.

That's something I don't want to know anything about.

You think I wanted to know anything about it? I mean, that is a

child's worst nightmare.

It's not a homophobia thing. It's just imagining your parent

in a sexual situation of any kind is brutalizing.

Right, but see...

...you're an adult and I know it sucks,

but you just have to start at least trying

to keep at least some stuff inside.

Are you gonna fire me?

Look, you got a lot of stuff going on. Why don't you take the rest of the day off

so you can, you know, deal with whatever those issues are?

You mean like my father coming out of the closet as a proud gay man in his late 50s.

Again, don't want to know, didn't need to know.

Boundaries.

I love your jeans.

Boundaries.

Ugh, this tastes like boiled butter and not in the good way.

Look, you're the one who wanted to day drink, so just man up.

- Okay. - So...

what did Tad have to say for himself?

- Um... - Also, real quick before you start,

I told you so.

I just wanted to get that out of the way.

Continue.

You didn't tell me so.

- Beg your pardon? - You didn't tell me so.

I'm sorry, I-I seem to recall actually saying to your face

that your father was a homosexual.

Yeah, but you think everyone's a homosexual.

Most people are.

- You told me Barack Obama was gay. - He reads bi.

I don't know. My dad keeps saying that he thinks they're gonna stay together.

- Your poor mom. - And I said to him,

"Why would you want to come out of the closet after a thousand years

and then stay with Mom?" And he said, "You don't understand anything."

Look, it's very scary to come out.

So I'm sure he's just coming out in chunks,

you know, like... like, I said for a while that I was bisexual.

We all know that was a lie, but it's scary,

so I'm sure right now he's-he's probably telling you

that it's just all in his head

- and he's never done anything, right? - He said he's never done anything.

- Yeah, well, that's a lie. - Is it?

Fuck, yeah, it's a lie. I would bet my house seats to "If/Then" that, like,

in one month, he's gonna be like, "Well, I did have this college roommate

and we did have feelings for each other, but we never did anything."

And then... and then in, like, two months, he's gonna be like, "Oh, yeah,

I got my fucking ass pounded by our insurance adjuster last year."

No, I'm trying so hard to be open and accepting,

but you can't say stuff like that about my dad.

My point is... is that I'm sure him saying they're gonna stay together

is just like a stutter step.

I'm just... I'm worried about him.

He's so lost. I feel terrible. He doesn't have anyone to talk to.

- Mm. - He doesn't have any community.

I don't know, I just wish that he had, like, a group he could join

or some friends.

I'm sure the gays in Michigan are terrible.

I can't even imagine.

It's a lot of cargo pants, I would think.

Hey, Shosh.

I think we're good with the balloons and the bunting.

I mean, can you imagine how all this is gonna... what if I lose?

You're not gonna lose. You're Ray Ploshansky.

- Let's take back the borough. - I just don't want you to get too excited.

Okay, seriously, Ray, what else do I have to do with my life right now?

The job interviews have dried up, nobody's buying what I'm selling.

I couldn't get hired to give away free blowjobs at a bus station.

So I'm gonna bask in your glory a little bit, yes.

Okay, all right. I'm sorry, all right? I'm just a little nervous here.

I'm sure you can appreciate that. I'm nervous and...

I just... I really want this.

Yeah, and what Ray Ploshansky wants, Ray Ploshansky gets.

Except for me. Or Marnie.