Major League

Yeah!

Stay! Stay!

-Stay! -I got it!

Good morning, gentlemen,

and welcome to another season of Indians baseball.

I know it may not seem the same without Donald here,

but I promise you, by the end of this season,

we will have made history.

Unfortunately, there are some in the press who feel that

"the ex-showgirl wife of Donald Phelps

"has no business being the owner of a major league baseball team."

Spring training begins in two weeks.

Here's a list of the players we'll be inviting to camp.

I never heard of half of these guys,

and the ones I do know are way past their prime.

Most of these guys never had a prime.

The facts are, we lost our two best players to free agency.

We haven't won a pennant in over 35 years.

We haven't placed higher than fourth in the last 15.

Obviously, it's time for some changes.

-This guy here is dead. -Cross him off, then.

Spring training starts on the 1st.

How do you think the Indians will do this year?

It doesn't look too good.

These guys don't look too fucking good.

Oh, hi, Charlie. Come in, have a seat.

I'm glad you called me in.

I'm still unclear about a couple of things.

Oh, really? Like what?

Well, if I'm the GM, who's gonna be the manager?

I was thinking of Lou Brown.

Who's Lou Brown?

He's managed the Toledo Mud Hens of the International League

for the last 30 years.

I think he'll fit right in with our team concept.

What exactly is our team concept?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Charlie.

I want to put together a team that'll help us relocate to Miami.

What do you mean?

Some of these guys are furniture movers?

I'm serious about this, Charlie.

It's no secret I've never liked Cleveland much.

The stadium's falling apart, we don't draw dick, the weather's lousy.

Another couple years of this,

and I'm gonna have to start feeding Cha-Cha real dog food.

Mrs. Phelps, you just can't up and move a team on a whim.

It's hardly a whim.

Miami's offered to build us a new stadium:

62,000 capacity,

45 VIP boxes,

and for me, a mansion in Boca Raton,

plus free membership in the Palm Beach Polo and Country Club.

Now, no other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

The league will never let us leave Cleveland.

We got a lease with the city.

The lease says we have the right to move

if the attendance falls below 800,000 for the year.

Paragraph 40, line 17.

If we play bad enough, we should be able to come in under that.

What are you saying? You want us to lose?

No. We've been losing.

What I want is for us to finish dead last.

-Yeah? -Hello, Jake?

This is Charlie Donovan, the new GM of the Cleveland Indians.

Yeah.

We'd love for you to come to spring training

for a shot at this year's club.

-Is that you, Talbert? -What?

This isn't very funny, you know. I'm hung over,

my knees are killing me, and if you're gonna pull this shit,

at least you could have said you were from the Yankees.

Tire World.

Hello, Lou? This is Charlie Donovan of the Cleveland Indians.

How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

This is a chance to manage in the big leagues.

Let me think it over, will you, Charlie?

I got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls.

I'll talk to you later.

Rick, we heard about your pitching out of Portland last year.

I'm not really with them anymore.

Well, we'd still like to take a look at you

at our spring camp in Arizona, March the 1st.

Well, I'm not sure I can make it by then.

There's Jake Taylor.

He was an all-star at Boston, wasn't he?

Yeah, wound up in the Mexican League.

Had some problems with his knees.

-Wish we had him two years ago. -We did.

Four years ago, then.

Who is that?

Must be Cerrano.

Defected from Cuba. Wanted religious freedom.

What's his religion?

Voodoo.

I thought you didn't have any high-priced talent.

Forgot about Dorn, 'cause he's only high-priced.

Picked him up as a free agent three years ago.

Still hits the ball pretty well, doesn't he?

Yeah. He just can't field it.

We'll shape him up.

Hey.

I don't recognize this guy.

Say, hey. Willie Mays Hayes here.

Play like Mays, but I run like Hayes.

How you doing?

How you doing?

-My man. -Lou Brown. Nice to meet you, Hayes.

The parking lot is right out there.

Thanks.

Oh, and don't you guys go anywhere.

I plan to put on a hitting display.

I don't remember a Hayes on the list.

Look at this fucking guy.

My kinda team, Charlie. It's my kinda team.

Mr. Dorn.

Harris! How you doing?

Hey, that weave is looking good, huh?

It's better than that rug of yours.

Whoa! Another freak show candidate.

Whoa! Another freak show candidate.

How do you cut your hair, rook? Vegematic?

The earring's cute, too. Have you got the matching bracelet, veg-head?

Whoa.

-Watch yourself, Rog. -Mr. Tough Guy.

Hi. Jake Taylor.

So, you got a name, or are you gonna settle for "veg-head"?

-Vaughn. Rick Vaughn. -Hi, Rick.

Hey, forget about Dorn.

He's always a little tough on the rookies.

You get a lot worse from other clubs.

Say, hey! How you doing? Willie Mays Hayes here.

Jake Taylor here.

Rick Vaughn.

What the hell league you been playing in?

California Penal.

Never heard of it. Well, how'd you end up playing there?

Stole a car.

Hey, big guy. You a golfer?

Hats for bats.

Yeah. What's your handicap?

Keep bats warm.

Gracias.

Whoa, amigo, I...

You can't...

You're welcome.

This is the guy that wasn't invited to the camp.

Let's take his ass out.

Shit! I've been cut already?

Who the hell is that?

Get him a uniform.

All right. Did you get enough hay for him?

You sure? Take good care of it, all right? All right.

Hey, Jake. How's the knees holding up?

Great. Never been better.

Mobility's good? No problem getting off the throw to second?

No problemo.

I need a catcher, Jake,

somebody who can lead this team on the field.

So, I want the absolute truth here. Are you 100%?

Yeah. Would I bullshit you about something like that?

You better, if you wanna make this team.

Second base!

Shit.

Hold it. Hold it.

Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit.

With your speed, you should hit the ball on the ground

and be legging them out.

Every time I see you hit one in the air,

you owe me 20 pushups.

Hey, no problem.

Shit.

All right, Vaughn, they tell us you're a pitcher.

You're sure not much of a dresser.

We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son.

Understood?

All right, let's see what you can do.

-Nice velocity. -Sounded like it.

Jesus.

How much?

96.

Better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.

Come on, Dorn. Get in front of the damn ball.

Don't give me this olé bullshit.

Look, I took one of those in the eye last year.

I'm not about to lose my sight.

I'm deeply moved. Every time you play one off your hips,

you owe me 40 sit-ups.

What?

Jesus. This guy hits a ton.

How come nobody else picked up on him?

Okay, Eddie, that's enough fastballs. Throw him some breaking balls.

Lou, I want a word with you here.

Sure.

About those sit-ups you want me to do,

I got it right here in my contract. Says I don't have to do any calisthenics

I don't feel are necessary. So, what do you think about that?

Two hundred pushups. How am I supposed to hit if I can't lift my arms?

Shit.