Anger Management

I devoted myself to Mark for eight months

and he broke up with me in a text message.

I think what I did is a reasonable response.

Well, I agree that writing him that letter

expressing your pain was therapeutic.

What I'm not so sure about is...

"wanting to light his hair on fire"

"and put it out with a hammer."

It just really hurts.

I've never had to deal with these emotions before.

This is my first time being the dumpee and not the dumper.

I've heard that the first time always hurts for the dumper.

Okay, Ed, that's definitely another dollar in the jar.

No, it's okay. I don't care

because he's gonna be dead soon.

No, I'm fit as a fiddle.

Doc says my stage four homophobia

is keeping me young.

Ed, this is not the time.

The time was, like, 1952.

Oh, and here's his huge reason for breaking up with me.

He said he wanted to have a fun summer.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

I'm totally gonna use that.

When I'm alone, all I think about

is parking outside of his house

or showing up at his job and screaming at him.

Patrick, fixing in on those kinds of thoughts is unhealthy.

And I think that it's important not to spend this really critical time alone.

I have no one.

When Mark left me he took all of our friends,

that heartless bastard.

- All of them? - Mark was a very likeable guy.

You don't have to be alone. There's people right here

in this room that would spend time with you, right, guys?

Well, I would, but I want to have a fun summer, too.

I'd be happy to hang out with you, Patrick.

Well, there you go. Thank you, Lacey.

Yeah, and maybe we could chill at your house and watch a movie.

Oh, and you could invite that jewelry designer you know.

Why would I invite him?

So he could fall in love with me and give me a necklace.

Lacey, have you ever done something nice

for someone without expecting something in return?

Of course I have. I always do nice things for other people.

Like one time, I told a blind woman she needed a nose job.

How else would she know?

I'm not sure that counts, Lacey.

Actually, I'm positive that doesn't count.

Okay, everybody, time's up. See you next session.

Hey, Lacey, let's see if you

can do one truly selfless thing for someone else.

Okay, Charlie. I'll do that.

Just for you.

- That doesn't count. - Damn.

- Hey, Jen. - Hey, Charlie.

I got a big favor to ask.

I'm thinking about starting a new business

and I need $10,000.

$10,000?

Okay, it's just $1,000. You see what I did there?

That's a sales trick I learned at a seminar

that you paid $1,000 for.

Just so you know, that smile stopped working on me $1,000 ago.

This is a huge opportunity.

Do you remember that plus-size edible underwear company

I tried to start a couple years ago?

Yeah, why did you think that would work?

Because fat people like to have sex, too,

and they really, really like candy.

Anyway, I had a bunch of unsold merchandise in my garage

and it's been overrun by ants.

So you need the money for an exterminator?

Are you kidding? The company that makes

the ant farms is looking for ants.

Those ants are crawling gold.

You know what? You are a public service ad for college.

I didn't go to college 'cause I was supporting you.

So I never found out what I'm good at.

I hear you, Jen, but I'm not so sure that ants are the answer.

I don't agree. I think it'd be great.

Okay, well, we can talk about it... is that an ant?

Son of a bitch! I hate 'em! Ugh!

Charlie, you've got to help me find something.

Patrick? What are you still doing here?

Oh, I'm just thinking about what it's gonna be like to be alone.

Today, tonight,

tomorrow day, tomorrow night,

the next day,

and the next night.

Okay, I see where this is going.

Look, I would love to let you hang out,

but my dad's coming for dinner tonight.

I've cancelled on him 12 times in the last two weeks.

If I do it again he's gonna sense that something's up.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- Bad breakup? - The worst.

Well, you know what helps me?

Knowing that someday when he's lying in a gutter

crying and alone, starving yet somehow fat,

he'll realize you were the best thing that ever happened to him.

You know, Patrick, you guys should hang out.

Jen's been through some terrible breakups.

I remember this one with with this incredibly handsome gentleman.

It's true, Patrick. Charlie used to be handsome.

Anger Management 2x18 - Charlie and the Break Up Coach Original air date May 16, 2013

So, hey, I think I've got a way

to trick your stepmother into taking me back.

So I guess you weren't enjoying that awkward silence as much as I was.

No, no, listen to me. Here's what I'm thinking, see.

She won't talk to me so you'll call her

and say how you're really worried about me.

I haven't stopped crying since I read about some orphanage in Darfur.

Anyway, you'll plead with her to come out here and take care of me

or take me back to Cincinnati.

No, wait, forget Darfur

because she may have an opinion about that.

Just say Africa, okay? What do you say?

Uh-uh. No way. I'm not lying to Corinne for you.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Don't you think some good should come out of that tragedy?

- Hey. - Hey, Lace.

Come on in. Got your phone right here.

By the way, somebody named Satan called for you, like, 20 times.

My mother is so codependent.

Lacey, have you ever tricked somebody

into getting back together with you before?

Have I ever not?

Don't get her involved, Dad.

No, I just want her opinion.

Easiest way to get somebody to take you back

is to pretend you're pregnant.

I would do that,

except I think I've already gone through the change.

You know what else works?

Put some pictures of you and a hot woman

having a great time on your Facebook page.

I don't have a Facebook page or a hot woman.

Well, today is you lucky day, Old Man Charlie.

I'm gonna help you set up a Facebook account

because I actually like helping people.

Because despite what some people think, Middle-aged Charlie,

I am totally selfless

and I'm gonna be that hot woman he gets to pose with.

I'm gonna do this.

And this.

You really think this'll work?

Oh, yeah. Women hate me.

I thought you'd like to know

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Neither am I.

You know, not as sexy coming from a guy.

I wasn't trying to be sexy. My washing machine broke.

Oh, hey, guys.

- Hey. - I have to thank you, Charlie.

Jen is the best.

We spent all afternoon in her garage killing ants.

It was so therapeutic.

She told me to think of every little ant as my ex.

It's hard to throttle an ant's neck, but he did it.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna skip to the loo, my darling.

Jen, I really appreciate what you're doing with Patrick.

Just so we're on the same page,

I'm trying to downplay his revenge fantasies

so I'm not sure the best thing right now is a teeny tiny killing spree.

Well, don't worry. He's feeling great.

And by the way, so am I.

I finally found it. This is what I was meant to do...

help people by being positive and optimistic.

Thanks, Charlie.

So you suggested she help Patrick?

No, I just thought she should keep him company.

Yeah, and guess what it lead to. I'm gonna be a life coach.

It's like being a therapist

except it only requires six afternoons at the Y.

Jen, you do know that I didn't ask you

to coach or give Patrick any advice.

Oh, I'm just being positive and optimistic.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

No danger of that.

I won't do this on a bare mattress, Charlie.

I feel like I'm in prison.

I told you the guy from Sears

is coming to fix the washing machine tomorrow.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Like we're in the back of a van.

Don't you have another set of sheets?

Yeah, but your stilettos ripped them to shreds.

It was like I had sex with Wolverine.

Okay, then, here's another dodge.

Did Patrick ever show up for group today?

No, he didn't make it. Why, should I be worried?

About Jen's influence on Patrick? Probably.

I know. I know. A life coach.

That's for people who don't want to undergo

the rigorous training to become a Tarot card reader.

You do realize she's going to undermine

everything you're doing with Patrick in group?

But she's been so down on herself.

And now she finally feels like she's doing something with her life.