She's Out of My League

Marnie?

I know we agreed to take some time off.

And I think that was a great idea.

My God.

It gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will,

and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people.

You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did.

A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist!

With beakers and... But, obviously, I'm cool with that. Like...

'Cause the thing is, I think we're stronger as a result.

But here's the thing, Marnie, it's been two years.

And that's a lot of time off.

And I'm ready for some time on.

I miss you.

I miss us.

I got something for you.

What do you think?

Oh, man!

It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing.

It's horrible to watch you like this.

I think this is really pretty. How's it work?

What the hell is that?

I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me.

Look, Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

No. No. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her,

I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement.

I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it.

But instead of eating it, we smash it. OK? You can do a lot better.

- You deserve a lot better, Kirk. - Thank you,

but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

I went out on four different dates.

With three girls and that guy.

I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine.

We had a great conversation. He was just lookin' for a friend.

- Know what your problem is? - What?

- You're a moodle. - A "moodle"?

A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk.

They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you. But, make no mistake,

no girl wants to do the moodle.

- No one'd ever fuck a moodle. - No.

- He's right. - I'm telling you,

if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe

that from the second she broke up with you,

your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Or you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Why don't you put your fucking balls in here, dude?

Yeah!

- "Snatch parade." Really, Kirk? - Yeah, it's been pretty awesome.

I've been raw-doggin' some randoms. Usually careful. Mostly careful, though.

Always using protection.

Double-baggin' it sometimes just to make sure there's

no seepage because...

gonorrhea, herpes and stuff. I don't want that.

Wow. I am really happy that you are doing so well with the ladies.

But, truthfully, Marnie.

I really just want to give all that up and get back together with you.

Kirk? You know I'm with Ron now.

Raw-doggin' some randoms?

Wow, Kirky, sounds like you got some good stuff goin' on.

- Yeah. - Thanks, Ron.

We're kind of in the middle of something right now.

Oh, you want to talk? No problem.

- I'll just be in the other room. - Thanks, buddy.

Ah, sorry. One more thing. Is there any salsa?

You know what? I'll find it myself. Good luck there, pirate.

- Are you kidding me, Marnie? That guy? - That guy is an entrepreneur.

- Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut. - That's a business.

It's not even a real Pizza Hut! It's a Pizza Hut Express!

Working airport security with your dipshit friends

isn't getting you closer to being a pilot.

I... I got you somethin'.

Like, remember that time I made you the mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs

I thought applied to our relationship? This is cooler.

Happy Valentine's Day from two years ago.

Hi, honey. Everything OK?

- Yeah. - Oh, God, what is that?

I think it's an ashtray?

- No, it's for your earrings. - Or that.

Kirk, please, don't cause a scene. Everyone's over.

Jesus, Mom, a little privacy here, please?

- It's OK, Mrs. Kettner. - OK.

Kirk. You know that I don't get along with my own parents,

and you've been really great about your family practically adopting me

since we broke up.

- I love you. - Marnie, I love you, too.

Just... OK... Let me finish.

I love you like I love... TV.

- I love you like I love pizza. - Superfly Snuka!

- No, Dylan! - You still got it!

- Give it to him! - What's up, little bro?

- Fuck you! - Dylan! Leave your brother alone.

- Snap him like a wishbone. - Sore spot? Just let it happen.

- Yeah! You ain't got shit, you pussy! - I hate you!

Mom! Kirk said he hated me!

OK, let's move out! Movie night! I do not want to miss the previews.

- Here. I got the brews. Let's go! - Comin' with us, pirate?

- No, thanks. - It's Chris Tucker, dude.

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

Do you see the words comin' outta my mouth?!

Chris Tucker, right? Mom! I did the Chris Tucker for him.

- That's nice. - I'm just gonna leave this here.

He's the black guy from Rush Hour.

- Let's go, go, go! - OK.

- Mom... Yeah. - You know, it's engraved on...

Boarding passes and IDs where I can see them, please!

Let's go!

- Hey. - Hey.

Boarding passes and IDs where I...

Oh, well, well, well. Thanks for comin' in, Kettner.

Sorry I'm late, Fuller.

- Yeah? You'd better have a good excuse. - No.

You wanna take a second? Make somethin' up?

- Nope. - Interesting.

Oh, look at this.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, that's so good. That's great. That's perfect.

Listen, Mr. Friedman, their quote is lower than ours.

So if fake flowers and cheap champagne is how you want to woo your clients,

then feel free to blow us out. I'm sure the event'll be fine.

Thank you, Mr. Friedman. Tomorrow.

Have a nice flight.

Boarding passes and IDs where I can see... Hi!

- Hi. - Hay-lo.

Hi-lo. Hello!

New York, huh? Yeah. The Big... City.

Big Apple.

Big Apple City. I get up there a lot, 'cause I actually, I gig up there.

I play in a band.

- I'm the lead in a band. - Hey, Stainer.

Did you get the numbers with... For the new procedures regarding planes?

This is Randy.

- What's up? - Hi.

- Well, everything checks out. - Thank you.

- Do you need a hand? - No.

Smooth. Go put this back in the trash.

- It's a memo. - Put it back in the trash!

- Boarding passes and IDs, please! - Next! Oh, ma'am!

- Your shoes. - Oh, sorry.

OK, let's go ahead and strip off that belt too, while we're at it, huh?

You have any piercings you want me to know about?

Anything at all?

All right, I'm really late for my flight.

Why don't you step on through, we'll see if you set off the machine.

Thank you.

No, no, no. Not so fast.

I'm gonna have to ask you to step over to the wanding area.

- Fuller, why? - Well, you never know. I mean...

You just waved the wand over your tie clip!

- No, I did not. - Yes, you did.

Well, I am keeping an eye on you.

Wow. They let guys like that work here?

Yep!

Yes, they, they, they let that guy be my boss.

Thank you for pissing off your boss for me.

Oh, yeah, please, anytime.

- Molly! Your boarding pass. - Oh, thanks... Kirk.

Kirk.

Flight six-three to JFK, you're cleared for taxiing on runway two-niner.

Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check.

Dude! Cut it a little closer, why don't you?

I think I lost my iPhone. I left it in security.

Well, here, calm down. I'll call it.

- Hello? - Who's this?

I don't know. Might be the guy with the new iPhone. Who's this?

I don't know. Might be your worst fucking nightmare, you...

- Patty! Stop it! - Sorry.

Hello? Thank God you have my phone. My name is Molly McCleish.

I remember you well. What gate are you at? I'll run it over.

Know what? We're actually pushing back right now.

Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone.

- It's bad for the plane. - Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a plane doctor?

No? So shut the fuck up.

Tell you what, I'll just leave it at Lost and Found for you. How 'bout that?

Would you hold on to it for me? I'm coming back tomorrow.

I'm an event planner. I'm having this party at the Warhol Museum.

- We could meet there. - Yes, of course.

I know where that is. It's actually

- on my way home from work. - Sir?

- She's talking on her phone. - Dude! Go shit in your hand.

I have to go.

Tonight's the night, Kirky.

No. I... Devon, tonight is just a night

where I return some lost property to a fellow human being.

Come on, man, you gotta be positive.

It's exciting! I mean, the night's full of possibilities.

- I can almost smell 'em. - Oh, man.

- You know what this reminds me of? - What's that?

The moment when Aladdin went to meet Princess Jasmine.

What?

You're like a street urchin, and this is the palace!

OK, so then what does that make you?

I'm the Genie.

Why am I so nervous? This is stupid. Let's get this over with, OK? Let's go.

Yeah. Let's go on a magic carpet ride.

No, I think it's good. We have to act positive.

- Wendy! - Hi! Congratulations, ladies.

- This party is so amazing. - It is, right?

- Hey. Sorry I'm late. - Nice, Katie. Real classy.

I had a major laundry disaster. This is the only dry bra that I have left.