Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce

Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

There is no book tour.

Barnes & Noble can't sell a book

the author doesn't believe in.

I think we should take the place across from the grove.

The kids will love that.

- It's $4,500 a month... - I know.

- And between that and the mortgage... - I know.

My divorce attorney is actually great.

Don't tell her to call Delia.

Mediators are jackals.

They prey on the idea of "a good divorce."

You know, if I finally got to kiss you now,

I would be the only one that would have to be guilty.

Nate, you are married,

and that makes me guilty.

This card was declined too.

You play to hurt, and not just me, Spencer and Eric too.

- I'm gonna sue for full custody. - What?

- What's that? - Dad gave it to me.

He says one day I might even be able to meet her.

- It's Jake's Becca. - That is Becca.

I think the kids are gonna love staying at the Paradiso.

Jake told me he signed the lease today.

I was gonna tell you as soon as I came home.

I just want you out today,

and I suggest you hire a lawyer, because I have.

I already have.

Oh, ... Ugar.

Sugar.

- Hey. - Dad!

Mommy just said .

- Really? - No, I did not.

I said "sugar"

because of the window that you said you would fix.

- Mm-hmm. - Lilly, dad's here.

Are we going to your new place now?

No, we're going to school now,

and then tonight, that is when the adventure begins.

Did you get the Xbox hooked up?

Did I get the Xbox hooked up?

Does Superman fly?

Does Spider-man do spider-man-y things?

- Okay. - Yes.

Hey, superhero, seriously, the window.

It almost took my finger off.

You said you'd fix it.

I've been a little busy, you know, moving.

Can we get Lilly please?

Dad's here.

- Just tell me why. - Why what?

Why your divorce has to ruin my life.

Hey. Good morning, Sunshine.

She wanted to go to a kickback today with some friends.

- A kick-what? - I don't know.

Okay, well, she can do that any night of the week,

but tonight, she's gonna be having fun.

She's gonna be having so much fun

that you guys'll wish you had less fun, right?

- Right. - Okay. Go find your sister.

So what are you doing tonight that's so much fun?

Hookers and blow, obviously.

Obviously.

Becca Riley's not coming over, if that's what you're asking.

I... well, you know, we just had an agreement, and...

Yes, I know the rules.

Don't try to buy the kids' affections.

Don't trash the other person.

No meeting significant others

till they're actually significant.

- I got it. - And what about the window?

Yeah, you should fix that before you lose a finger.

Oh, my God, I just found a finger.

- What a dick move. - Yeah.

Just fix the damn window.

Now, having said that,

let me speak to the advantages of power tools.

Don't say anything. Okay.

- Go to home. - Thank you.

Get a drill. Use it.

It won't make you a lesbian, and if it did, so much the better.

She is definitely not a lesbian.

- We have covered that. - Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Well, I'm just glad that Jake has finally

moved out of the house.

I don't have to deal with his snotty little side glances

and listen to him chewing

his little kashi cereal like a farm animal.

Or the sweet smell of man-gas in the morning.

- That's my favorite. - Or the sound of breathing.

Just general breathing.

He's gone.

I'm free.

So what about Nate? Married Nate?

Is he still trying to get with you?

I think I sufficiently scared him off.

Here's something.

This afternoon,

I shall be dazzling potential client Barry Juck.

- Wait. Juck... producer Juck? - Mm-hmm.

Might have had sex with him in the photo booth at the Soho.

- Terrible movies. Terrible. - God, his movies are awful.

What is it, Monster Mash?

Actually, Master Monster Six is coming out.

- Master Monster. - Horrible.

Oh, my God.

And then, tears of joy, story time.

What? Are you volunteering at school?

That's... that is a first.

Dan is going for primary custody,

so I need to put in some serious face time with the kids,

and I'm gonna like it, damn it.

Maybe you will like it.

Have we met?

Lyla Straley.

No, I like my kids, but I think that might be a genetic trick.

The rest are vermin. No offense.

None taken.

So check it out.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Holy high tit job.

Danna Brooks grew a pair.

Dr. Marber.

You say that name one more time,

and honestly, knuckle supper.

- I know. - No, I can't. I can't have it.

- So high. - I'm just saying.

- I can't have it. - I'm just saying.

What are you doing when they're that high?

- Where is Max, by the way? - I don't know.

I'm texting him now. "Max, where are you?"

Wait, wait, so what did you end up going with?

Oh, uh,

I went Star Wars comforter but spider-man sheets.

- I like it. - Yeah.

Charlie gets to sleep in the perfect movie

he'll never see, Spider-Wars.

The cable is hooked up. I got the WI-FI hooked up.

I got the Xbox hooked up.

I got power bars for Lilly.

And I got the waffle maker for Charlie.

- Oh, panic buy. - You know what?

They got all that stuff at home... At Abby's, okay?

I want there to be some touchstones, you know?

The comforts of home.

You make me want to puke!

- Jesus, what the hell is that? - Are you serious?

I just can't stand you.

Acting class.

It's a little noisy during the day,

quiets down around midnight.

Nick, 36.

Oh, hey, Jake, 31.

How you doing? This is Max.

- Hey. - Pleasure.

Hey, you two ever looking to score any coke, Cialis,

or whatnot, I'm your guy.

- Thanks. - Hoo-ah!

I can't stand here looking at you!

- He seems lovely. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, crap.

Oh. It's Abby.

I told her that I would meet her for coffee after drop-off.

I think I said "might." "Might."

- Just "might be there." - Answer it, dude.

I don't want to lie to her.

Then don't answer it.

- I-I can't ignore her. - Dude, you know what?

Just stop being a pussy and tell her the truth.

We're friends, and you're not gonna pick sides

just 'cause she's your sister.

She'll understand that.

Right, what am I talking about?

Okay, continue to be a pussy until we figure it out, okay?

Do you want us to come over later?

First night without the kids can be a little bit weird.

- Oh. - Or a little devastating.

Could be a little devastating.

No, I'm actually looking forward

to a little bit of me time.

- Are you? - Yeah.

What does that entail?

That means I'm gonna go to my book editor, Melissa,

and toss around some book ideas, and go home, soak in the tub,

drink a glass of wine,

get back on the writing horse.

If things go south, I will call you, I promise.

- Love you, Abby. - I love you guys.

- Keep your phone charged. - Yup, I know.

Whitney.

What's going on? Where is everybody?

I was just about to call you.

They... they moved the Juck meeting to 2:00.

- They? Who they? Who they? - Delia.

I told her you weren't available until after 3:00.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

- Okay. - Hey.

I'll see you there. All right, bye-bye.