Radio Days

Once upon a time, many years ago,

two burglars broke into our neighbors' house in Rockaway.

Mr. and Mrs. Needleman had gone to a movie.

And the following events occurred.

You think we should answer the phone?

Are you crazy?

You wanna wake up the whole neighborhood?

Hello?

You, Mr. Marty Needleman, have been chosen from the telephone book to...

Guess that tune!

Jesus.

Can you tell us what is the tune the orchestra is playing?

I can't hear it. Find the radio and turn it on!

- What's goin' on? - Shh. I can't hear.

What are you doin'?

I think I know it.

Jesus!

Dancing in the Dark.

That's right!

And now for question two on the way to the grand jackpot.

Here's the tune.

Are you all mine... No, no.

Chi... Chinatown...

Chinatown, My Chinatown.

That's correct!

And now the chance for the grand jackpot with all the prizes!

This one is not so easy, so get ready.

It sounds familiar. I don't...

I know that one. I know it from my father.

- What? - The Sailor's Hornpipe.

- Huh? - The Sailor's Hornpipe.

The Sailor's Hornpipe?

That's right!

Mr. Marty Needleman, you've won the grand jackpot!

Ah! I'm rich!

We won!

That night, the Needlemans returned home

and were shocked to find a ransacked apartment

with $50 and some silverware missing.

But the following morning, a truck arrived.

Now I love old radio stories,

and I know a million of 'em.

I've collected 'em down the years, like a hobby.

Anecdotes and gossip, and inside stories about the stars.

I recall so many personal experiences from when I grew up

and listened to one show after another.

This girl singing used to be a favorite at my house, one of many.

Now it's all gone. Except for the memories.

The scene is Rockaway. The time is my childhood.

It's my old neighborhood, and forgive me if I tend to romanticize the past.

I mean, it wasn't always as stormy and rain-swept as this.

But I remember it that way because that was it at its most beautiful.

In those days the radio was constantly playing at our house.

My mother, for instance, never missed her favorite show,

Breakfast With Irene and Roger.

Good morning, darling. Pass the orange juice.

There you go.

Quite an opening night we attended last night, wasn't it?

Yes, wasn't it divine?

Everyone was there, from Rodgers and Hart to Cole Porter.

Two completely different worlds.

While my mother stood over the dirty plates,

Irene and Roger ate their elegant breakfast

from their chic Manhattan town house,

while they chatted charmingly about people and places we only dreamt of.

You look marvelous, darling.

Tomorrow morning we'll tell you all about it,

and also about the new Moss Hart play, which I hear is just divine.

This is Irene Draper...

And Roger Daly, saying,

have us for breakfast tomorrow and every morning,

and have a wonderful day.

My own personal favorite show was called The Masked Avenger,

who I fantasized was a cross between Superman and Cary Grant.

Little did I know...

"...while I was on the scene?"

"It's the Masked Avenger!"

"It's off to jail for you."

"I hope you'll enjoy making license plates."

I'd like to tell you of the Masked Avenger secret-compartment ring,

and how it turned me to crime.

But first you have to meet me.

And my family.

There I am in my Masked Avenger hat and goggles,

which I got off my friend in a trade.

And then there were my father and mother,

two people who could find an argument in any subject.

Wait a minute!

You think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?

No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.

I mean, how many people fight over oceans?

Then there was my Uncle Abe.

He kept bringing home fish from his friends who worked at Sheepshead Bay.

Ceil, I'm home!

Ceil, I got fish. I got great fish today.

What do we need more fish for?

And my Aunt Ceil,

who dreamed of a more exciting life than having to fillet his flounder.

They're fresh fish!

He has friends at Oscar's Dock,

so he can't spend one day there where they don't load him up with fish!

You don't like it, take the gas pipe!

Next there was Grandpa and Grandma.

Every morning he spent a half hour packing her into her corset.

I'm pulling, I'm pulling!

A woman in her 70's, and her bosom is still growing!

Abe and Ceil's daughter was Cousin Ruthie,

who entertained herself by listening to the neighbors on the party line.

Mrs. Waldbaum's having her ovaries out!

Both, or one?

Get off the line, okay?

Stop listening in on my phone! Stop snooping on us!

All right, all right! Don't get your bowels in an uproar!

Nobody's snooping.

Oh, yeah? My wife hears her breathing. And she giggles!

Hey, Waldbaum! You think we care what goes on in your house?

Let them take her ovaries out!

What's it our business?

Mrs. Waldbaum had a steel plate in her head.

It was said she couldn't walk near magnets.

Finally, there was Aunt Bea, who only wanted to get married.

This is a lindy.

My dancing teacher gave me this great new step for it.

- Hey, Tess? - Uh-huh?

Tess, I can't decide if I should take my vacation

on a cruise or go to the mountains.

I mean, the men are richer on a cruise,

but there's more of them in the resorts.

What do you think, Tess?

Well, I met my husband at a mountain resort,

so I advise you to go on a cruise.

That's very funny. Can we get back to my idea?

We buy cultured pearls.

We box 'em here in velvet, and we sell them mail order. I can get a good price.

You were in jewelry. It didn't work.

We got stuck with the rhinestone earrings.

You don't have a business head.

We got stuck with mail-order parts,

you tried seeds, then you lost money selling greeting cards.

We have 6,000 "Get Well" cards in the closet!

There aren't that many sick people in America!

Forget it. I'll spend the rest of my life at the job I do.

There's nothing wrong with it.

- What do you do, Dad? - None of your business.

All my friends know what their dads do.

Don't you have any homework?

Got 15 cents for a Masked Avenger ring?

What am I, made of money?

Pay attention to your school work, and less to the radio!

You always listen to the radio.

It's different. Our lives are ruined already.

You still have a chance to grow up and be somebody.

Think I want you workin' at the job I do?

I don't know what your job is.

You gotta get an education.

While I'm getting it, can I get the ring?

We don't have money to waste.

You think we all like living together?

We'd like to save up, maybe have another child.

Your father works all day like a horse supporting everybody...

At what?

He's a big butter-and-egg man.

What do you mean, our lives are ruined?

I didn't mean "ruined" ruined.

We're poor but happy. But definitely poor.

Isn't this a beautiful sea bass?

Who wants to join me, hmm?

By now, you've probably guessed that the Masked Avenger ring

meant a lot to me.

Well, it did. Because they were gold and mysterious,

and they fit any finger.

The box top I already had, but the 15 cents was hard to come by in those days.

I tried not thinking about it,

but it was very hard to keep off my mind.

...and the masts and the sail.

You even have to work with the tweezers to get some of the small stuff in.

I'll pass it around.

That was lovely, Evelyn.

Arnold, why don't you show the class what you have?

Stand right over there.

I found this on my parents' night table.

- That will be enough! Sit down! - What did I do?

Put that thing in your pocket and sit down!

Ross, you have something suitable to show the class, don't you?

Very good. Stand right here.

This is my Masked Avenger secret-compartment ring.

It's very special to me...

Now, basically I was an honest kid.

But there are some things in life that are just too compelling.

That afternoon at Hebrew school, a scheme occurred to me.

Next week, we are going to issue collection boxes.

And each of you will be asked to go out in the street

and collect funds for the promotion of a new state in Palestine.

Can you give to the Jewish National Fund

to help us build a homeland in Palestine?

Please? No?

How about you? Can you give to the Jewish National Fund?

Can you help us? Anything?

Hey, how about...

Can you? Can you? No? Oh.