Hacks

- Ladies, why do compression socks always

make you look like you're about to be wheeled onto an airplane?

They scream, "I'm old."

Well, not me and not these.

You want compression socks

that say "Paris," not "hospice."

You want...

God damn it, Weed!

You ruined another take.

It's so hot, Deb!

We need to turn on the air conditioner!

- Well, as soon as I get a clean take, you can.

Sweltering!

- Uh, and, Deborah, you forgot the American flag print.

Ugh.

Stupid fucking American flag! Okay.

- Okay, uh, let's go from Halloween.

All right.

Ugh, you ready? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Ready.

- Now, pay special attention to these.

Look at those little witches flying on their little brooms.

Look at that artistry.

Fabulous.

- Whew, those compression socks are fierce.

What do you want?

Oh, uh, I was just thinking

maybe I should stay back with Damien and Weed

while you're on the cruise.

- You're coming, and you'll love it.

Cruises are fabulous, especially gay ones.

- Sure, but being in the middle of the ocean

is maybe the scariest thing I can imagine,

since I can't swim.

- You can't? - Yeah, I told you that.

Huh.

Must have blocked it out 'cause it's so sad.

You'll wear a life jacket. - All right.

I guess gay men will be a good test audience

for the show, so it's good if I'm there.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

No. This is a money gig.

The people want the old stuff.

I'm doing the classics for my people.

Wealth hoarders?

Sorry.

Okay.

Fucking hell.

Fuck!

I was like, "Listen, bitch.

You have cankles. Don't tell me what to do."

Mm.

- Mark, do you want some of this?

- Okay, again, it is Marcus.

And no, I have a breakfast meeting across town.

- Wait, you're going to work right now?

Yup, it is 7:00 a.m.

- Babe, we're your friends, and you need to make sure

you're prioritizing your mental health, okay?

- Seriously, like, we're not doing double shifts

until this weekend so we can have the week off.

- Okay, no offense, but I'm not a waiter.

- I'm a CEO. - Okay, Gru.

Who is Gru?

From "Despicable Me."

Leader of the Minions, honey.

- Oh, shit, can I get a couple Addies?

- David, you just literally did cocaine.

Yeah, I did. It's gone now.

Here.

All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow night.

Okay, go make a deal, Gru.

Bye, Gru!

Bye, boys.

- Wait, let's crush this. Let's crush this.

Okay.

Huh. Lot of ladies.

- Hey, Deb! - Oh, my God.

Margaret Cho.

Great to see you. You look great.

- You look great. - Thanks.

So how were they? - Uh,

audiences, B-minus,

but the cunnilingus, A-plus.

Huh.

I-I thought this was a gay cruise.

It is.

Lesbians.

Good luck, Deb.

Oh. This is amazing.

No wonder you love cruises.

They're like the Vegas of the sea.

No, it's terrible.

Gay men get me. They always have.

Lesbians aren't my crowd.

And they're crawling all over this boat.

- Oh, it's not a boat. It's a ship.

- See? They don't like me for some reason.

- Could it be your hundreds of thousands

of jokes at their expense over the years?

- I think they feel threatened. - Okay.

I actually meant this was amazing for me, so...

Nice Chacos!

Nice Chacos to you.

What'd you say?

Hey.

Do you guys by any chance make mocktails?

Yup, what can I get you?

- I'm trying not to drink alcohol right now

'cause I make very bad decisions when I do,

which I know is like, "Duh,"

but when I think about the person...

What can I get you?

- Could you do a nonalcoholic frosé?

Yeah.

Well, hello there, m'lady.

Hey, how's it going?

I don't think I have seen you

on one of these trips before.

No, uh, first time, so...

- I know I'd remember that strawberry mane.

Lord.

- Yeah. - I'm Linda.

Uh, Ava.

Nice to meet you.

Ava.

Oh.

Wow. Who are they?

Oh, them.

They come on all these cruises.

They're a real Lavender Travel "it" couple.

- So they're together? - Oh, yeah.

But a lot of people open their relationships at sea.

Rules on land don't apply, you know?

Right.

That makes so much sense. - Right.

Water is different from land.

Can you dump alcohol in that?

- Your pheromones are rocking, mama.

Yeah.

I've been trying you.

Your assistant said you were at anger management?

- She's not supposed to tell people that, but yes.

Uh, it's horrible.

Russell Crowe is my accountability partner.

Does he scream a lot?

Worse. He just whispers.

Pretty sure he's a climate terrorist,

because he talks a lot

about "finding the oilmen in their homes."

- Oh, my God. - Chilling.

Anyway, how are you? - Not great.

I'm surrounded by lesbians.

- Huh. I did want to talk to you, actually,

about the casino showcase. - Oh, good.

- Okay, hear me out. Kind of interesting idea here.

What do you think about a residency

at Terrible's casino?

- Jimmy, Terrible's is 40 minutes off the Strip.

- I know. I know it's not ideal.

Look, I have been having some trouble

booking casinos on the Strip

or, honestly, even slightly off the Strip.

- Well, just, you know,

keep... keep on 'em.

Yeah, I-I will.

And, um, good luck with the, um, lesbians.

Yeah, thanks, Jimmy. Okay.

I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Hey. How's Jimmy?

- He's good, and good news about the showcase.

MGM is very interested. - Amazing.

And in more amazing news, I've been thinking.

And since we're in international waters,

I think it's different, and so I can drink.

I don't care.

These are just artificial rules

you make up for yourself.

You should be writing jokes for me.

I mean, you speak lesbian, right,

'cause you're half? - Deborah.

Deborah Vance?

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're on this cruise.

- Hi. - See? You have fans here.

- I bought a pair of your jean-ish ankle leggings on QVC.

- Oh, one of the best sellers, yeah.

Feels like you're not wearing pants.

Cheaper than taking a family of four to the movies.

- Yeah, well, the elastic band gave out after one wash.

I've been trying to return them for months.

- Oh. Well, you know what?

I think you'll find that if you contact

our crack QVC customer care service team,

they will take care of you in a jiffy.

You'll have to excuse us. We're going to the buffet.

- Mm. I've been wanting to go the buffet.

I would never.

I'm not gonna eat food that's been seasoned

with the breath of 300 people, thank you very much.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go.