Gabriel Iglesias: Stadium Fluffy

Can you please state your name?

Martin Moreno.

But you might know me as...

Martinnnnn!

I've been touring with Gabriel Iglesias for 20-plus years.

Martinnnnn!

And, yeah, he's been screaming my name for 20-plus years.

Hurry up, Martinnnnn!

Dude, that's better than most marriages. That's a win.

It has been an incredible journey.

We've gone from garages, clubs, living rooms,

to theaters, arenas around the world,

and now a stadium.

They say comedy is subjective,

but when you're selling out stadiums,

that's no longer subjective.

So, what can people expect?

One of the biggest shows Los Angeles has ever seen.

And whatever you do, make sure you stick around till the end.

You want to see how this thing ends.

So, what else is left to say?

Without further ado,

live from Dodger Stadium, Gabriel Iglesias!

We did it.

I didn't do it, we did it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so very...

"They want to cry." "Yes, they want to cry."

I haven't been out here 30 seconds and already...

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I know some of you just found out Martin is real.

'Cause you finally get to see him, right?

And if you're Mexican, yes, he looks like Machete.

Or Marco Antonio Solís.

If you're white, he looks like the Big Lebowski.

Wow! This is awesome. Martin wasn't lying, you guys.

We started off in freaking garages and backyard barbecues

and quinceañeras and weddings and...

now it's like, you know, this is... this is home for us.

The biggest thing I've ever done will be tonight

without a shadow of a doubt.

And I'm glad that you can all be here for this.

This is, uh...

'Cause, yeah, after Covid, I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, the only good thing I can say about 2020 for me

was the fact that, for some reason, I managed to lose 70 pounds.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, I lost 70 pounds.

People ask me, "What's your secret?"

I said, "It's no secret, they closed all the goddamn restaurants,

that's the secret."

I didn't know how to cook. That was the secret.

It was me at home with a Foreman Grill making wienies...

But, yeah, we were on tour in Kalamazoo, Michigan,

when we got the news that we had to go home.

And then we came home, and we all turned on our TVs.

And we watched them lie to us.

I'm not trying to be a conspiracy person, but they told us, remember?

"It's only going to be two weeks."

That's it, they told us, two weeks.

Right? "Ladies and gentlemen, we'd just like to ask

that you go home for two weeks, be with your loved ones,

be with your family, just two weeks, while we figure things out."

"Dr. Anthony Fauci has given us some new information to go by."

"Just two weeks, that's all we need, just two weeks."

And I apologize for using the same stereotypical old white voice.

But that's the one that they used.

Because that's the one we listen to in a time of crisis.

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"No, man, shut up, look!"

"No more than two weeks, okay?"

"You gonna go home, go to your mama and your papa."

"And if Covid come to the house,

you tell Covid, 'Hey, he's not here, buddy.'"

"Come back another time, it's okay."

"Just two weeks."

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"I'll tell you what, this is what you're gonna do, God damn it."

"You're gonna take your ass home, you're gonna hunker down."

"You're gonna hunker down and if Covid shows up at your front door,

get her done right there to the face, okay, that's what you're gonna do."

"Just two weeks."

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"All right, listen up, this is what's gonna happen."

"You're gonna go home, you're gonna be with your family and them, right?"

"And if..." oh, you don't wanna laugh at the Black voice, huh?

Whatever. That's your guilt, not my guilt, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

But, yeah, just two weeks, that's what they told us.

Two weeks, and two weeks turned into two months,

turned into half a year, turned into a year-plus.

And little by little, they told us who was most at risk

for Covid-19.

Come to find out, it's people over 45, okay?

People who are overweight.

Here we go.

- Diabetics. - No fucking way, really?

Most at risk, Latinos and African Americans.

Yeah. Bye, Felicia.

I come to find out I was 85% of the underlying conditions.

Over 45, overweight, diabetic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure.

Apparently Covid is my Tinder match.

Someone finally wants to swipe right,

and her name is Corona.

Yeah.

The mask thing is still a thing.

Some are for it, some are not.

Some, you know, some places it's required,

some places it's optional.

Biggest complaint I have heard about the mask

is that the mask smells funny.

And I'm here to tell you, no, it doesn't.

You do.

You are smelling what everyone has been telling you all these years,

and finally you're smoking what we've been smoking.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be honest with you, my mask smells delicious.

My mask smells like Oreos and tres leches cake, okay?

If you smell my mask right now,

you will Krispy Kreme yourself, it's so good.

I feel like selling it on the OnlyFans website

to see if I can make some money.

- Some of you know what's up? - You skank.

This next thing I'm going to say

is in no way, shape or form political.

So, please, don't take it that way.

The vaccine.

Look at some of you, "Oh, here we go."

"Here we go, I knew it was coming." "I knew it."

"Look at him, he's got 'booster' written all over him."

I'm not here to tell you what to do with your bodies,

I'm just here to share a story.

I got vaccinated, okay, and I'm not saying it to get approval.

I'm just telling you because,

hey, look, I was 85% of the underlying conditions.

At this point, I'm rolling the dice.

Plus, I wanted to work.

I got the vaccine, but it was one of those things

where, you know, in the beginning, when you wanted to get the vaccine,

you couldn't just walk into a CVS.

You had to make an appointment.

You know, and it was a drive-out, you couldn't just show up.

'Cause I tried.

Oh, I tried using the face. I'm like, "Eh, hey, eh!"

Apparently this only works at Red Lobster.

Oh, yeah, I could show up at Red Lobster at eight o'clock on a Saturday, it's on.

"Do you have reservations?"

"It's Fluffy, make biscuits!"

But for the vaccine, no, I made my appointment like everyone else.

It was a drive-out location, you know.

There's a little speaker box.

"May I help you?"

This is very familiar.

"Yeah, let me have...

a large vaccine."

"Pfizer/Moderna?" "Uh, I got a coupon."

"Whatever's free."

"Pull up to the window." Then I pull up to the next window.

And then a guy who's all covered up, he's got the whole, you know...

Then you give him your arm, and then they harpoon you.

And they make you park your car

for 10 to 15 minutes in case you have an allergic reaction.

So I'm sitting in the car and I got the radio going and the A/C going,

and I glance over and I notice there's people there protesting.

And that's fine.

Protesting is a right, and I'm all for it, okay?

My problem is when protesters leave the sidewalk

and get right in your face.

So here's what happened.

I glance over, I see the protestors, and I locked eyes with one of them.

And I could do this all day, I'm in the car.

I'm like, "What?"

The lady who I'm looking at all of a sudden starts walking towards me.

And I'm like, "Ah, shit."

She gets to my car and she starts going off on me.

And I have never had a complete stranger go off on me for no reason at all.

She gets to the car and she's like,

"You are so stupid! You are so stupid!"

"How could you get the vaccine? How could you get the vaccine?"

"You have no idea what you just put inside your body, dumb ass."

I didn't know what to say.

I was like, "Bitch, I eat chorizo."

You have no idea what that vaccine has to work through

in order to have any type of effect whatsoever.

It's got to go through years' worth of chorizo, chicharrón, carnitas,

carne asada, freakin' hot dogs, bologna, Spam, menudo,

caldo de res.

It's gotta go through the gauntlet.

But, yeah, so, on top of that,

you know, we're trying to figure out this whole thing with Netflix

and doing a new special.