Beth Stelling: Girl Daddy

Thank you.

Thank you guys.

Thank you for coming out.

It is good to be here in Minneapolis, thank you.

Whenever I'm on tour, I have to prepare

to be gone for awhile.

And so I was at the pharmacy,

I was picking up my prescription for acne.

I love my acne, keeps me young.

I'm on antibiotics, they're working.

I've been on them for seven years,

which I heard is good for you.

Before that, I was on spironolactone,

any spiro heads here?

Are you really on it?

Did it make you pee a lot?

Yes, and it made me faint.

What?

Did it thin your hair at all?

- No. - Okay, we can,

we'll talk more later.

It did, it made me pee a lot,

it thinned my hair out, it made my boobs hurt really bad.

I grew very alarmed and I chose to do nothing.

I just waited for the follow-up appointment with the doctor

and he said, "Oh yeah, I should have told you,

"it's going to make your boobs," he actually said titties,

he was like, "It's going to make

"your titties more sensitive."

I thought, that would have been nice to know.

I've been slowly saying goodbye to my family.

So I'm at the pharmacy, you can't help,

but pick up other things, they designed it that way.

And Easter is my favorite season of candy.

Now, thankfully they have Peeps pretty much year-round.

So I picked up some, who knows, Flag Day peeps.

I don't look at the shape before,

I barely taste when I eat.

And I also picked up a bunch of condoms

'cause I'm the breadwinner of most of my relationships.

And I'm also not on birth control

because sometimes birth control is like,

I know you're hungry, but what if you cried?

So I don't do that.

And as I'm checking out the man at the pharmacy,

he slides my prescription and I sign for it.

He slides the Peeps and then he goes to slide the condoms

and for some reason out loud to him,

I say, "These aren't for me."

I'm a grown woman in my sixties, like I'm

very open about sex, all of a sudden a man, I don't know,

touches a box of condoms, and I'm like these,

I would never,

I got back to my car and I turned inward.

I was like, what happened back there, man?

You got weird.

I don't know, I guess if you're a dude buying condoms,

maybe you feel cool.

'Cause like you're gonna get laid or whatever.

I don't know how you feel.

Do you, or,

he's like I don't wear condoms,

because I don't get pregnant.

That always cracks me up, wen the dude chimes in with like,

she trapped me with a baby.

Impossible.

You have the missing ingredient

and we love to bake.

if I had all the ingredients for a cake

except for the sugar, and then you, what's your name?

Jeremy.

Jeremy brought over the sugar,

we'd be like this cake wouldn't be possible without Jeremy.

thank you so much for this cake, Jeremy.

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.

That's right.

What I'm saying is

men are garbage, but

But,

women are the can, okay.

So we're in it together.

Sometimes you have to flip us over

and shake us for us to let go of garbage.

But I think what it boils down to in my personal opinion,

I think dudes, you're just,

you're more in touch with your personal pleasure

from a very early age.

Late elementary, early junior high,

the boys I grew up with in Ohio were just constantly talking

about jerking off or jerking off or doing this motion,

which I added to my vocabulary far too soon.

I had no clue what it meant.

I would just be like, okay, mom, take a gamble.

I was punished.

It's so high.

What are we doing with it up here?

Everybody knows, it's like... vi-vi-vi-vi...

Like who are you jerking off that's shoulder height.

That's question one from me.

Then sex ed happened in junior high.

I remember our health teacher saying I taught

my sons how to masturbate.

I was like, is that legal?

I thought we were hiding it.

But young girls have sex organs, too.

Even though some of us don't look down until we're 23.

But as a kid,

I was secretly humping all kinds of stuff around the house.

I was humping the couch,

I was humping the bannister,

with a pillow after this splinter incident.

I was humping the edge of the bathtub.

I remember one year my mom wanted to move

and I said, we can't.

My girlfriends live here.

Can you imagine if we taught our daughters to masturbate?

My mom could've kept decorative pillows about,

instead it took like the strength of three

of my closest girlfriends

when we turned 18 to even go to a sex store.

Meanwhile, I feel like into adulthood, dudes,

you can just hop in your car, drive somewhere,

get fully jerked off.

I was a little vague.

In my head, I was thinking like a rub and tug scenario

or a happy ending situation.

You know what I'm talking about?

He was like, yes, that's how we met.

Have any women here been offered a happy ending?

Just an angry silence.

It's more of a man's game, the happy ending.

I guess it's what we look at as like

your complete and total relaxation,

either that or we look at your semen as poison

and we're like, get it out of them

so they don't hurt anybody.

I think it's a positive thing,

as long as nobody's freaking trapped in a room.

And of course whether you know it or not,

there's tons of sex workers all around us.

The problem is whenever I get a massage,

I just assume that the massage therapist

is falling in love with me.

Do you do that, I'm like we're not talking,

but I'm pretty sure he's impressed with my back.

And maybe my shoulders would drop two inches

if somebody just offered to like, just a little bit.

But no, for a lot of reasons, a lot of liabilities,

the main one being that massage therapists

are not sex workers.

That's the big one.

It got conflated along the way.

I don't know why, maybe because people were already naked.

I feel like if somebody started offering hand jobs

at the pool, lifeguards would probably suffer

the same plight.

They're just like trying to save somebody

and the person's like, yeah, choke me.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

I don't think that the female orgasm

is as equated with relaxation and release.

I think it's because everyone assumes women relax

by like curling up on a couch at night,

underneath a quilt that we made, just warming ourselves

by a fire, while we pet our cat,

and sip Celestial Seasonings tea like

mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never orgasmed that way.

Not once, it would take so much from the cat

and its little paw.

And then after an hour I'd be like, get off of me.

I'll do it myself.

I have a good amount of guy friends that genuinely believe

that they like sex more than women.

And I love orgasming.

There's not a woman in here who doesn't love orgasming.

It's the sex that's the problem.

Now, look, I assume every man in here tonight

is just so good at fucking,

so I'm not talking about anybody in here.

The problem is outside and we just have to take

what we talk about here tonight and help them.

I try to have healthy conversations

about these things.

I did a podcast recently in exchange

for some tap water and two new fans.

The podcast, it was hosted by a male comedian

and he wanted to talk about the Me Too movement

because you gotta if you have a lady on the pod.

And his hot take was sort of the Me Too movement,

well, what are we supposed to do now?

I was like, what were you doing before?

I guess keep doing or stop doing that.

Now we were doing shows together all weekend

and I was the only comic on the shows

who agreed to do his podcast.

So I decided to take it as an opportunity to confront him

about one of his jokes that I didn't love

and this podcast was never released .

We don't like to be challenged.