ted

Patrick Stewart: Thank you. And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.

Thank you, Bernie Kopell! Thank you to...

Hey, what's the most fucked-up

host-musical guest combo you can think of?

Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross.

Oh. That's good.

Joan Didion and Whitesnake.

David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.

Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.

Ted Kennedy and the Dead Kennedys.

That's the one.

- That's good. Right? - Yeah.

Another Saturday night alone in my room.

Why won't you call me?

I'm so lonely, and I want you so bad.

1-900-1HOT-BUTT.

Only $3.99 per minute.

Oh, man, she's so hot.

I wish we could call one of those numbers.

- You want to? - What, are you kidding?

My dad would kill us if we called a 900 number.

Hey, wait a second. Maybe there's an 800 version.

You know, where it's free. Try 1-800.

Okay.

Man: American Airlines, how may I help you?

Aw. Wait, are you horny?

Man: Uh, I don't know. A little, I guess.

Oh.

You might have better luck calling United.

I think they're pretty horny over there.

Okay. Thank you.

No problem. Stay hard, man.

Yeah. You too.

Oh, a white guy doing stand-up. This should go well.

Ah, fuck. Third period.

I fuckin' hate gym class.

I'm always worried my dick's gonna fall out of my shorts,

and then it never does.

And that doesn't feel good either.

How do you think I feel?

Hey, why don't we go smoke in the supply closet?

- Huh. - What the hell?

Oh, yeah. It's because the janitor hung himself

in there last week.

Oh, yeah.

It's weird. He was so happy when he told us

he had 25 grand riding on the Pats game.

Hey, what about the basement?

Anybody kill themselves down there?

Not that I know of.

Hey, look at that.

What? Ted: There's a phone.

Just a random phone down here in the basement?

Yeah.

Johnny.

Both : 1-900-HOT-BUTT.

- There's a dial tone. -

Female voice: Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.

Please stand by for sexy phone fun.

There are two masturbators ahead of you.

- Holy shit. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

- Holy shit, Teddy. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck

woman : Hi. Who's this?

- John. - Don't use your real name.

Uh, Jon. No "H."

Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.

Uh, hey, Shauna.

Are you the girl from the commercial?

Shauna: That depends.

Was she a naughty brunette with huge tits?

No, she was a blonde with more like B cups.

Shauna: Yeah. That's me.

Tell me, what would you do to me

if you were here right now?

Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?

Shauna: Oh, we can do anything you want, baby.

Okay, well, I touch your boob.

Shauna : Oh, my God.

A-And then, and then I touch the other one.

Shauna : Oh, God! Slow down.

Teddy, cut it out. You're hurting her.

Oh, shit. Is it too much?

I'm just trying to have fun.

Shauna, teach us how to be good lovers.

Hey, Teddy.

Hot butt.

- -

Hey. Hot buttered butt.

Oh. That's good.

- We know. - You're crazy.

You boys sure have been in a good mood lately.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, do you know if Becky called today?

Who's Becky?

Well, I've started tutoring kids

for some extra money, and she's one of my students.

She's nervous about her English test,

so I said she could call me.

Matty, she is the most adorable little girl.

Told you I don't want to know about any new people.

- - Oh, there she is.

Hello.

What do you want?

You're fuckin' kidding me, right?

No.

Uh, did you hear me? I said no.

I don't know, do you want me to list

the, uh, ten billion fuckin' reasons why?

No. Go fuck yourself.

Was that Becky?

Uh, no.

No, th-that was my dad.

Bernie? What did he want?

He wants to come visit.

Bernie's coming here? Holy shit!

That's great. It's about fuckin' time.

No, no, I have told him over and over again

that I don't want to see him. Ever.

You're talking about your own goddamn father.

H-He said he wants to make things right

between the two of us.

I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?

I don't want him here. Matty: Whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Bernie can visit here whenever he wants, all right?

This is my house, and he's my big brother.

Yeah? Well, he's my dad, and he's a raging asshole.

I'd appreciate if you just stayed out of this.

Fuck that. You know what? I'm calling him,

and I'm telling him he can come here

and he can stay as long as he wants.

No, Matty, wait. Please don't do this.

My own brother is not gonna be unwelcome in my home.

- -

You really hate him that much?

If he steps foot in this house, I'm fuckin' out of here.

I can't wait to hear Shauna's take on all this.

Hi, this is Candy. Who's this?

Oh, uh, hi, Candy. We normally talk to Shauna.

Candy: Shauna's not on call today.

And not because of AIDS.

Oh, okay. We didn't ask.

Candy: Legally, you're not allowed to.

Anyway, it's just me, Candy.

You know, like, sweet and sticky.

Well, gosh, Candy, you sound great,

but we've spent a lot of time talking to Shauna.

There's a certain intimacy that develops,

and I'm concerned you won't be able to keep up

with the rapport we've built.

Candy: You want me to talk about blowing ya?

Okay. You're up to speed.

Candy: So, what's your fantasy?

I'm the hottest record producer in the business,

and you're a total nobody.

What are you gonna do for me?

- Jesus. - What?

That's fuckin' dark.

Well, how would you do it?

Hi. I'm a struggling record producer,

and I need your talents on my label.

We're artists first,

and you will own your own publishing rights.

Candy: Okay. And then I take my clothes off.

Keep 'em on, honey. I don't want nothin'

to get in the way of my business.

Which is making hit records. Candy: Uh...

You know who else I discovered through phone sex?

Huey Lewis.

He was just like you,

suckin', fuckin', doing it all for a dime.

That's what Power of Love is about.

Like that.