The Hating Game

I have a theory:

hating someone feels disturbingly like falling in

love with them.

Your stomach twists and flips, your appetite and sleep are

shredded, your heart beats heavy and bright,

nearly visible through your flesh and clothes.

Can you please hold the elevator?

-Sorry. - Ooh!

Already in motion.

But--

Every interaction spikes your blood with

adrenaline...

Ugh!

And your body is barely under your control.

This used to be the home of Gamin Publishing,

known for its insistence on literature as art...

until a year ago, faced with bankruptcy,

it was forced to merge with Bexley Books,

an evil empire known for ghostwritten autobiographies of

brain-damaged sports stars.

Make no mistake: the Bexleys and Gamins are at war.

As for American Psycho over there playing the copycat game

for no reason but to piss me off...

yeah, hate him with a passion.

I mean, sure, he's easy on the eyes,

but don't let that fool you.

As Shakespeare would say:

Sometimes, fair is foul.

My reasons for hating Joshua Templeman are several.

One: I have never seen him smile.

Oh, hi!

You must be Josh.

I hear we'll be working together.

Oh!

I got you a plan for your desk.

Two: he's a total control freak.

Just look at his desk.

I mean, the guy wears the same shirts in the same order every

week.

Monday: dove gray.

Tuesday: white.

Wednesday: powder blue.

Thursday: window pane blue.

And Friday: true blue.

Reason number three: he always corrects any tiny mistake I

make.

Four, and perhaps most importantly: after the merger,

he waltzed in with a list of people to fire and it included

all my work friends...

which were all my friends.

So now, I'm trapped here, day after endless day,

all alone with my one maniacal nemesis.

Hi, good morning.

Good morning.

Has Bexley seen this?

I emailed it to Josh, so I'm assuming.

We're adding something at the top of the agenda.

Okay, do you want me to adjust it?

No, this is fine.

I'd rather it be a surprise.

Quarterlies?

On your desk.

How do they look?

Eh, lower than projected.

But they are better than Q2.

And I talked to the marketing team about alternative print

strategies, which I really think could help moving forward.

And I sent you a memo about a company-wide team-building event

that I'm planning.

But workers would rather eat rat skeletons than participate

in group activities.

Agreed, but HR has been overwhelmed with complaints

since the merger.

Half of which are about you and Josh.

Don't mind her.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Well, you'd be all alone with Satan and his hell hound.

-See you inside. -Okay.

Lucy!

I am so glad that I caught you.

I was hoping that I can ask you for, like, a tiny favor?

I need an extension on the monthly report.

My new puppy ate peanut butter last night and she's totally

allergic.

She put the "poo" in "Cockapoo," if you know what I mean.

Sure.

Of course.

You're the best.

I'll have it Monday, Wednesday at the latest.

That was pathetic.

Brrt.

Who is Joshua Templeman?

You know, Lucinda, you could just tell her to do her job,

but no, you have to be the good guy.

It's a lot better than being the asshole.

Happy Thanksgiving!

'Kay.

-Cupcake? -Oh.

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

You want one?

You remembered my birthday!

Of course!

Our...

little birthday turkey.

Yay!

Happy birthday.

Ooh...

You know, I watched this insane documentary last

night.

Three AM, YouTube rabbit hole, "History of Baking."

Did you know that DaVinci invented the blender?

I invented pizza plate.

It's a second pizza you put under your first pizza to catch

the crumbs.

All right, can we please get started?

Or do you need another minute to chit-chat?

No, we're good to go.

Oh, your tie's crooked.

Okay, thank you all for being here the day before

Thanksgiving.

I know some of you are traveling so we'll--

Check this out.

Richard!

So we'll try to keep this short.

Yes, and Friday after Thanksgiving will not be a paid

holiday, FYI.

Okay, Richard and I have an announcement to make:

we're adding a new position to the team.

Yes, we're going to be hiring a managing director who will

oversee each department and he will report to me.

He or she will report to both of us.

The job is open to external applicants, naturally, but...

I'd very much like to hire from within.

Yeah, we will be putting together an independent panel

since we don't always see eye-to-eye.

The final candidates will make their presentations to the board

after the New Year.

May the best man win.

That job is mine, Shortcake.

Oh, your confidence is compelling,

but you forget one thing.

-Hm? -Everyone hates you.

Oh, they don't hate me, they fear me,

which makes me effective.

You know, when I'm your boss,

I will require you to do everything I say with a smile.

When I'm your boss, I'm gonna work you so hard that you start

using the office as your home address.

When I'm your boss, I will enforce casual Fridays.

Hawaiian shirts mandatory.

When I'm your boss, I'm implementing a new dress code.

No more looking like an elementary school librarian.

If you get the job, I'll resign.

-Really? -Just like you will if I do.

-I don't quit. -Then I'll fire you.

Ah, but I'm incapable of giving you that pleasure.

Aw, it's not the first time you've said that to a woman,

-is it? -

Then we agree: if one of us gets the job,

the other has to quit.

Fine, agreed.

Oh, hey, Danny.

I come bearing gifts.

-Oh! - Oh, sorry.

Shoulda... waited for some eye contact.

The new book!

That's so nice of you, thank you.

Designers got some advanced copies,

so... no big deal.

Oh, no.

This is the cover?

Sorry, Bexley made us do it.

The book's about an archaeologist with autism.

I mean, does he even read the jackets?

Doubtful.

Oh!

And, uh, this came for you in the mail,

so I took the liberty to...