Miffo

When I said I was going to be a preacher, my mother cried .

"I used to be proud of you, " she said .

Dad offered to give me the car if I didn't do It .

I told him I'd think It over .

Lord, anoint Tobias Carling with the Holy Spirit -

- and accept him as a minister of your church.

I'm 29, my student loans total half a million kronor ...

I don't have a flat and, sadly , I don't have a girlfriend either .

There's no way I'm moving back in with my folks .

I mean, there's a limit ...

So I'm renting a room at an ex-girlfriend's place .

Six years ago I lugged this bed out of there .

I was going to throw It out , I wouldn't need a twin bed again .

I would meet someone at college and my life would change forever .

Mom told me to keep It , It might come in handy .

Unfortunately she was right , but thanks anyway, Mom .

How did you manage to get this place?

Money under the table. Here's your key.

- Is that unethical? - No...

Everyone does it and it beats living in a dorm.

- Are you going out? - Yes. This is yours.

Listen... it's really nice of you to let me stay here.

- I wouldn't have asked... - Don't worry.

It's water under the bridge.

I wanted to make a difference , in my own life and that of others .

There will come a day when the bitter truth is unavoidable:

You cannot do your life over again.

Youth belongs only to the young.

But only the old know how to use it well.

Dad, about the car, I need It .

I'm not staying here a second longer .

I'm going to apply for a job you didn't even know existed .

- What is it? - Oh, it looked like you were...

You know...

Praying or something...

It's about time... Something's got to happen!

- What do you want? - Do you know where the church is?

No.

Hello?

Hi...

I called about the job. I'm Tobias.

Come here. Look down there.

Down there. See it?

The mosque, in the old bowling alley. They're packing them in.

Swedes go there too. Real Swedes.

Like you and I, blond-bearded types.

I wish I knew how they do it...

You know we'll be closed down if attendance doesn't improve?

It won't affect me, I'm more than ready to retire.

I just wanted to find someone who would be willing to take over first.

What did you do wrong at the Pastoral Institute to end up here?

I applied for this position.

It's a challenge.

Not like a congregation whose main concern is the stock market.

- Have you ever been here before? - No, but I know what it's like here.

- People have real problems. - Like what?

Like alcohol, unemployment, or that they're immigrants, I guess.

- They really need the church. - So, go out and tell them.

Maybe I should, people don't seem to know that there is a church here.

No wonder they don't show up, right?

We have to bring them in, try a new approach.

Invite people to share their views of how to run a church.

Make them a part of it all.

- The Institute teaches that? - Yes. You need to reach out.

You have to let people know you're there.

- Go door to door? - Sure. Or hand out flyers.

Or put up posters. People are interested, you know.

Clear away the media haze, and they're interested in spirituality.

- You do have a Xerox, right? - I'm not sure they are interested.

No, this ship of ours is sinking.

And it's too late for this old rat to jump ship.

Is the money you got last week gone already?

- Any unusual purchases? - No...

- We bought slacks. - How much were they?

How much were yours? They're fabulous.

- They're Italian and were on sale. - You're new, right?

- 299. - They're Taiwanese.

- Have you tried giving up smoking? - A thousand times.

Welfare is not an income, it's a last resort.

Hang on, Ruben. You're saying our way of life is impossible.

- And it is. - You act like it's my fault.

Who's to blame? Your colleague with the big boobs?

- Birgitta? - Is it her fault? Or God's?

That there aren't any flats for someone like me?

I know, give me one hundred grand for a deposit.

- Here... - "Groceries only".

It's the best I can do.

- Hello, my name is Tobias Carling... - I'm not interested.

I'm the new minister. Would you like to come to a meeting?

Hi, my name is Tobias Carling, I'm the new minister.

- What? - I'm a minister.

A minister...

- Hi, I'm Tobias... - Come in.

Oh... I'm a clergyman.

I brought these...

- So, just plain fucking then? - No...

Did you ring my bell? A little while ago?

I didn't make it in time.

It takes me like forever in the bathroom, see.

You're a minister, right?

- Do you loan people money? - What do you mean?

Somebody told me the church could help out with a small loan.

- What do you need the money for? - The rent.

- How much do you need? - 500.

Actually... 600.

I'll pay you back. Promise.

You know what, keep it. I won't be coming around here again.

I've tried to talk to people all day long, only...

Nobody's interested.

For 600 I'll talk as much as you like.

Really?

Let's go eat.

- So you believe in God? - Yes, I do.

- What's the deal? - Sorry?

- You've got to know why you believe. - Of course I do.

Bring us two more beers.

My spinal cord's out of whack, but I don't have a drinking problem.

I do smoke, though.. Don't tell Ruben.

- Who's Ruben? - A jerk in expensive pants.

Knows squat about what people really need.

You don't know many people like me. It shows.

- So, what do you do? - Nothing.

I have no appeal as an employee to sexually harass.

But I could have been retarded, so it's a shame to complain.

- Go on, ask me... - What?

Everybody's curious, but nobody dares ask me anything.

- Go on... - Can't you feel a thing?

- Not below the navel. - Nothing at all?

- So you...? - What?

When I think about that skier, Tomas Fogdö...

And sex?

- It never fails, everyone asks that. - I'm sorry...

- On a personal level... - You don't...

It's not a problem, even if it's been ages.

Oh, this is my favorite song! Turn it up.

Turn it up!

Carola!?

Got you!

Shit...

I forgot my keys, and Ma and her old man are asleep.

What do we do now?.

You'll have to boost me in through the window.

What's that?

- What? - I'm stuck.

You'll have to go inside.

Hi...

I'm Tobias, the new minister.

- Where's the chair? - We didn't mean to wake you.

- It's all my fault. - Go get the chair, Leffe.

Hey... You can use the door.

Right. I wasn't thinking.

- Want a drink? - No, thanks, I'm fine...

I don't think I've met a clergyman since I left school.

I think I'd better...

Have you heard the one about the priest at a gay club?

He realized where he was when the sausages tasted like shit.

- His jokes are so not funny. - You laughed at one.

- The Polish whore and the olives. - Crutches.

The guy's from Lebanon. He was tortured.

We've complained, but nothing happens.

- Like a smoke? - No, thanks. I'd better...

- I'd better go home. - Stay the night.

- There's a bed in Carola's room. - No, I can't...

No, I have to get home.

Okay... Bye!

I fooled everyone!

Happy birthday!

Gee, thanks.

Only it's not my birthday.

- Isn't it the sixth? - Of January.

I was so certain...

- How stupid of me! - It's all right.

It's great. We'll celebrate it anyway.

And I don't remember your birthday either, so we're even.

Aren't you planning on getting out of bed today?

I found this. It belongs to that guy, right?

Hi, Mom . This is my new girlfriend, Carola .

She lives on welfare .

She drinks a lot and smokes two packs a day .

And she's disabled, too . But that doesn't matter, does It?

Her mother and this guy Leif would love to have you over for dinner .

It could be delightful ...

- You wrote that. - No, that's one of yours.

No way!

How are you?

I thought I was committed to certain ideals.

Equal rights, the equal worth of all mankind.

I really believed I felt that way.

But when it came right down to it, when words weren't enough -

I chickened out...

What a lousy minister...

Hey, didn't you forget something?

Oh... Sorry.

- All right if I go home? - Sure.

I know exactly how you feel. I can't tell you -

- how many times I've been in this very situation.

You don't have to feel sorry for me, I'm fine.

I wasn't expecting a massive turnout, but churches have services.

It's an obligation we need to fulfil, or we might as well curl up and die.

What are you doing here, anyway? You don't work here anymore.