Pizza Movie

- - Room check!

- Oh, shit. -

One second!

Come on. Open up.

- Alright, where's the drugs? - Drugs?

What are drugs?

Search her room. Find them!

Oh! Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go, let's go...

Shirts, pants, socks, old pants. That's good!

Ooh, sorry!

Move!

- Excuse me. Sorry. Whoo! - My Yogurt!

- What the fuck? - Sorry!

Fucking asshole!

- -

- -

Oh. Excuse me?

Yeah?

Yeah, do you by any chance have any extra quarters?

Oh, um, let me check.

- Yeah. -

Thanks.

Your name's Montgomery, right?

Yeah.

And your name's Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray?

- That is all four of them. Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray. Like, it just kind of falls out.

You know, it's funny, I feel like we are always here

at the exact same time.

Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me.

Not from poop, to be clear.

- Or cum. - So, piss?

No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.

Okay.

I'll see you around.

for ruining the football team, asshole.

- - Fuck yourself

- and your freak-ass face! -

Freak-ass face!

Alright, everybody, fuck off and listen to me for a second, please!

I know...

you're upset about what happened with the football team.

I'm sorry.

But who amongst us all hasn't ever made a mistake?

We all have.

So, if you don't think that I deserve

the basic human decency of a second chance,

then fine, go ahead.

Tape me to the top of that clock tower and pelt me

with water balloons full of piss. But if not...

- - Goddammit.

Hey, Jack.

- - Hi, Monty.

- How was your day? - Uh...

- - Not great. How's yours?

- I'm covered in piss. -

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

You know what's gonna make it all better?

- Quiet night of sleep. - A concerning amount of alcohol.

- Let's boogie. - Oh, wow, we said very different things.

Housing requests due by midnight.

Guys, housing requests due by midnight.

Montgomery and Jack,

email your housing requests in by midnight.

- Also, Jack, go fuck yourself. - Hm. Ha.

Where do you wanna live next year?

Should we do Orrick Tower?

Stonewell Court? Or... Ugh.

As long as it's not Gralk Hall.

That place is literal hell. Know what I mean?

Ah, come on, dude. Stop hiding. Just ask her out.

Are you nuts? No!

- Why? - Girls like Ashley

- don't like guys like me. - What's wrong with you?

I'm weird! I sound like a little old man.

Girls like alphas, strong provider types.

- Like him. -

- Ooh. - Hot.

So, that's why I'm gonna trick her into thinking I'm an alpha.

And then, she'll ask me out.

Wow, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

- It's not creepy, it's sweet. - You barely know her.

You may not even actually like her.

Of course I like her. When I think of the two of us together,

it feels like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender

while being sung to by lollipop pixies.

Never mind. That's the creepiest thing

I've ever heard in my entire life.

- Stop staring at her. -

It's time to take this and put it into this,

- so we can turn off this. -

- Look at her. - Whoa.

- Exquisite, right? - Dang.

Give her a touch.

Give her a stroke. Perv.

- - Want to do a toast?

Uh, may the crop grow strong, and your pants stay up, and the night...

Don't worry, man, I got this shit. To turning around this shitty day.

- Ah, fuck. - Crud.

Logan!

What's up, dildos?

- Can we please not do this tonight? - Relax.

I know that we... come in here every weekend,

we hold you down, and we fart in your faces

for what you did to the football team.

But we have taken some time to reflect, and...

we decided to apologize.

Wow. Really?

No, we came to fart on your faces!

- Fuck you! Fuck you! - Pin him down!

Fuck you!

- Come here. -

- Accept your fate! - I will never fucking

accept this shit. Fuck!

I'll save you the trouble.

- Right here okay? - That's perfect. Thanks.

- Fucking fuck off. - You know the drill.

- Ew! Ew! Ugh! - It's okay, Jack.

- Think happy thoughts. - Shut up, Montgomery!

- Open wide, pookie. - No!

No! No!

- -

Oh, shit!

Hey, dumb-ass, mind if I borrow your charger?

Oh, I should warn you, it's actually a third-party charger,

and it's technically against the terms of service to use it.

Shut up.

Dude, this pajama party tonight is gonna be so sick.

- Pregame at my place? - Totally.

- I got beer. - Nice!

- I got some weed. - Swag.

And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath.

What?

It's a fantasy board game.

It's actually really fun.

- -

That was refreshing, dawg.

- I feel, like, a pound lighter. -

Alright, let's bounce.

- - Oh! What the fuck?

Your charger fried my phone.

Well, I did warn you it's a third-party charger.

You break my phone? Huh? How 'bout...

- Oh, shit. - I break your bottle?

- - Nooo!

- -

Look at his freak-ass face.

- Losers. - Later, dickheads!

Just give us a fucking break.

Lizzy!

- Fuck! - Ugh! Oh!

Fuck all those guys.

God, I hope I don't get pink eye again.

This whole night's fucking ruined.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

I was gonna start Lysander on a new brand of nectar tonight,

- and he gets temperamental... - No!

No!

I can't stand another night listening to you talk

about the dietary restrictions of your pet butterfly.

We are in college, Monty.

These are supposed to be the best years of our lives.

Look at me.

I'm the type of guy who's built for a place like this, dude.