Honeymoon

I guess I'm the first one to do this.

Well, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say.

I'm now a wife.

Okay, wedding video.

Let me introduce you to our delicious food.

We got veggie korma, lamb curry, samosas.

Oh, I am sitting inside a tent of sorts,

because it is inside a tent similar to this one where you proposed.

For our first date, Bea chose an Indian restaurant,

you know, one of those little places on Sixth Street

with the colored lights and the fiber-optic lamps.

Yum, except that halfway through the meal,

I start feeling my stomach gurgle in this horrible food-poisoning-type way,

and I didn't even have time to lie to her.

I spend 20 minutes in the dirty restaurant toilet

and the rest of the night on Bea's bathroom floor,

because I couldn't make it to the subway, let alone Brooklyn.

Well, we'd been planning on going camping upstate for weeks,

but, as you know, I got sick,

so we couldn't go.

I thought you were upset, because you were acting really weird,

but then you... you built, like,

this tent over our bed out of blankets,

and we made s'mores on the stove,

and then inside the fort on our bed, you said,

"Bea, this was supposed to be romantic"

"and under the stars, not sheets,"

"but you make me the happiest.

Will you marry me?"

And now we're married.

So this,

this is our, "Fuck you, Indian food."

You tried to keep us apart,

but fuck you.

We win.

So we didn't get a regular wedding cake.

We decided on something that was special for us instead.

- Special and cheap. - What?

No, I think some people are annoyed by no cake.

Who cares? It's our wedding.

Before, I was alone, but now I'm not.

I love you, honeybee.

It's not fancy. Is it okay?

Do you like it?

Here's what I see...

not the city,

woods.

- I just want it to be perfect. - And I just want to be with you.

All right, come on.

So this is the famous family cottage.

- Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast, okay? - What? What? What? What?

First, the grand tour.

So this is the living room. Watch your step.

You may notice a slight tilt.

- This is definitely unsafe. - Oh, yeah? Well, you're unsafe.

- You're unsafe. - You're unsafe.

Here we have a TV and VCR from 1991.

Well, I mean, who needs cell service or Internet

when you can keep busy watching your favourite VHS tape?

Over here, we have the kitchen,

complete with, yes, a radioactive microwave

and an oven that probably still uses hot coals.

- You may be noticing a theme. - I want to have sex with you.

Change is bad.

- Looks like a sign. - No, looks like bad wiring.

This is the bear room.

- Very good. - Yeah.

And...

- why is it called the bear room? - No.

This is the bathroom.

It's green,

very green.

This is... This is where you almost drowned playing submarine.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You're my favourite.

- Which one is ours? - Next door.

The woods room...

- All right. - ...because it has windows

facing...

the woods.

- It's dark and scary out there. - It's dark and scary in here.

- What's with the ducks? - They're fake and hollow, empty inside.

I used to hide things in 'em with I was little.

- Yeah. - What are you hiding under here?

My very super-special honeymoon nightgown.

I love you, honeybee.

Sorry. Sorry.

- You are pretty creepo. - I was done sleeping.

Look what I found.

"Dear ducks, my name is Mallard P. Quack.

"I am not a real duck. Stay away.

"Translation: Quack, quack. Honk, quack, quack, quack, honk."

Did we get milk?

- You put it in here, right? - Yeah, no, it's in the fridge.

Now, then... Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Wife... - Oh, how gracious of you, husband.

After last night, you deserve to relax.

Rest your womb.

What, my womb?

Yeah.

- Why did you say that? - I don't know. I don't know. I'm...

I didn't mean anything.

I'm gonna make the pancakes now.

- It's just... - What?

- Well, I don't know. - Just say it. What?

Do you want to have a baby?

No. What? No. I don't know why I said, "Womb."

I was... I was just teasing about how hard I fucked you.

Okay?

All right.

What is it?

- I don't know. - Okay. Cool.

Wait. I don't know if I'm ready to have a baby.

I don't know if I'm ready to have a baby.

We're gonna have breakfast together

every day for the rest of our lives.

I know. I know.

Which means we got plenty of time to talk about your womb

and other married-people things.

Right now,

I think we should just be on our honeymoon. Right?

Right.

Okay.

Pancakes. Pancakes.

You ready?

This thing's massive.

- Where'd it come from? - My dad.

I didn't realise he was that kind of hunter.

- Well, what kind of hunter is that? - The kind that kills giant fucking bears.

You ever killed anything?

- Rats. - Yeah, murder by trap doesn't count.

I mean with your bare hands.

- Oh, with my bare hands? - Yeah.

Have you?

No. No. I mean, just fish.

- I guess a few frogs. - What?

Oh, when I was little. We'd use 'em as bait, like little, mini baby ones.

- Oh, right. The little baby ones. - Yeah, baby ones.

- Is that normal? - Oh, they scream when you cast them.

Oh, my God. Who are you?

Come on.

What?

What, should we grab your water wings, too, Pauly Poo?

I'm really not embarrassed by wanting a little extra security on the water.

Here.

You tied it, right?

- Tied what? - The anchor.

- You tied the rope before you dropped it, right? - Didn't you just tell me to drop it in?

You're good at that.

12 years of Girl Scouts.

- Last one in the water's a rotten egg. - What are you talking about?

Well, if you're afraid, you can just stay in the boat like a baby.

I'm not afraid of the lake.

Fine.

Take off your shirt.

All right.

- No. No, this... - No.

- Why not? Come on. - No.

I'm sorry. I seem to remember someone saying,

"Oh, and it's gonna be just before summer,

"so we're totally gonna have the whole lake to ourselves,

- and there'll be no one around..." - Shut up!

And... oh, shit.

Yep. No one around.

Hello! Yeah, looks like no one's around.

Yeah, well, I... I'll take this under consideration. Okay?

- What? - Oh, it's so cold. It's freezing.

Freezing? I thought something had snapped... "Oh, my goodness!"

"Oh, my goodness"?

Oh, my God, did your womb get cold?

No, but it did freeze my big, giant...

- balls. - No, Paul. No.

- Oh, no. Oh, no. - No, no, no.

- No, Paul. No, no. - One...

- Two... - No, no, no!

Three!

I really wanted to go swimming with you.

I really wanted to go skinny-dipping with you.

- I'm hungry. - Oh, weird. I feel kind of full.

You're a dirty girl.

You are a dirty girl who deserves...

to be punished.

Paul. Paul, stop. Stop.

This it?

- Catchy name. - Yeah. Their specialty is food.

Last one is a rotten egg.

They even open?

They should be.

We're closed.

- W-We're closed! - Yeah, okay, buddy. We got it.

We're leaving.

Trixie?

Trixie, it's me.

It's Will.

Holy... Will.

My God, I haven't seen you in forever.

- Yeah. - Will.

God, you look...

Merci. Merci.

- This is my... Paul, my husband Paul. - Hey.