Blades of Glory

I'll take him.

Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.

They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back.

Here it comes.

And he nails it!

It's the best he's been.

Now there's the arm.

And you know what that means.

Yes. The galloping peacock. And look at him getting air on that.

Flawless. Just textbook perfection.

There are very few women in the history of this sport

that skate with this kind of beauty.

Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!

Ending the program showing his flexibility.

What a great effort!

He couldn't skate any better than that.

The performance of a lifetime, Jimmy MacElroy!

Elegant with machine-like technical precision.

And there it is.

So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time.

Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott.

But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold.

While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,

let's take a look at this exceptional young skater.

He is a child of privilege.

A classic skater defined by elegance, precision

and an ability to endure great pain.

He was plucked from an orphanage at age four

by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy.

Once a breeder of some of the most successful racehorses in the world,

Darren had turned his attention

to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans.

His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.

I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.

With his father's state of the art,

some say questionable, training methods,

this child prodigy was forged into an über skater.

Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold

while his trademark Jimmy curl was sweeping the nation,

with kids of all ages fashion drafting right behind their idol.

A champion, an icon, a giver.

Jimmy MacElroy, skating's Little Orphan Awesome.

- Well, Coach? - You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.

You nailed it shut. Every move exactly like I showed you.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?

Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we?

Look, I knew I had it. I just felt like it needed a little...

Feeling? We're feeling now? What are you teaching this boy?

Jimmy!

I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood? Jimmy!

Please don't encourage them. Come on.

Move!

They may look cute and innocent but they're nothing

but a beehive for germs and bacteria.

- Remember the slides I showed you? - But they're beautiful.

You smell like a winner! You want to smell like...

- Ladies and gentlemen... - Jimmy!

- I'll call you! - ...the judges' scores are:

5. 9, 5. 9, 6.0,

5. 9, 6.0, 5. 8.

All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.

Hands.

Skittles.

Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?

Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?

Besides, you're too late.

They already handed out the girls' medals this morning.

Shut up, Michaels.

That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo.

But I remember Boston,

and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie

for which the town was named.

Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town.

Chazz!

There he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels.

This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd, and they love it!

How do you describe something like that?

He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music.

And he just nails the triple Axel!

Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.

Well, you know he is sex on ice.

Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels, it's not enough just to win.

He wants to make love to the crowd.

That's why those seats are so valuable.

That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels.

Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note.

You have been called out, sir.

You're welcome, Stockholm.

Unreal. An instant classic.

Just when you think you've seen it all,

Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version.

The undefeatable underdog, ice skating's backdoor lover,

Chazz Michael Michaels has come in here and captivated this arena

like a stack of classic Euro porn.

And so while his scores are being tabulated,

let's learn a little bit more about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.

Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado.

Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.

Troubled childhood?

If you call being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.

At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes and illegal fireworks

by becoming a star in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene.

The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award,

which is not to say this rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.

He recently published a book of poetry, Let Me Put My Poems in You.

Before a big competition, I like to work with leather.

The Native Americans always said

that working with hides and pelts releases the soul.

These are a couple of diaper bags I made for Faith Hill.

Two men, only one winner.

Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?

Personal philosophy: clothing optional.

Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

That was disgusting.

That, young man, is how babies are made.

- Get out of my face. - I'll get inside your face.

Mr. Michael Michaels,

please gather your coach, family, and friends

and move to the bench to await your scores.

Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight. I don't have a coach. I don't need one.

And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.

That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there.

5. 9, 5. 9, 6.0...

That's what I'm talking about.

5. 9, 6.0...

Another 6.0.

... 5. 8.

Was it good for you, Stockholm?

'Cause it was good for me. Let's have a smoke.

Eat that, MacElroy.

Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied.

- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. - You're high.

From the United States, Jimmy MacElroy

and Chazz Michael Michaels.

You're fired.

What? I brought you a gold medal.

No, you brought me half a gold medal.

If I wanted him to share, I'd have bought him a brother.

It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.

And theyjoin Team USA's other gold medalists,

the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.

Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,

America's brother and sister darlings,

the gold standard of pairs figure skating.

Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medalists,

Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,

the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild burst out of the womb and onto the ice

while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines.

Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 14th, 1987

when their parents died tragically in a car crash.

Katie would survive.

The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin

from which they could never recover?

But the siblings' commitment was such

that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral.

So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.

Well, Stranz and Fairchild,

how heavy is that gold around your necks?

Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air

because dreams never weigh you down.

No. Dreams are in your sleep.

What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy?

Two gold medals?

Yeah. That's great.

Well, speaking of gold medals,

the winners of the men's singles

are taking their place at the podium right now.

This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy.

You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal

is sharing it with your fellow countryman.

Gosh, I'm getting sick.

You smell like aftershave and taco meat.

Yes, I do. Now scoot over.

Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.

- Just scoot over, man. - Don't.

- Just scoot over. - You scoot over.

Now there's some jostling atop the podium

and down goes Chazz Michael Michaels.

MacElroy still waving to the crowd.

Look, MacElroy's also down now.

I have never in all my years seen anything

this disgraceful on the world stage.

I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim.

You get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck.

A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy!

And Spaetzle's aflame!

Spaetzle! Oh, my God!

As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy

will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm...

We love you, Jimmy.

Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.

You an official here?

'Cause you have officially given me a boner.

I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.

It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything.

Let's get started, shall we?

If either one of you would like to make a statement

before the commission passes judgment,