United States of Tara

Previously on "United States of Tara"...

What if there's no fixing me?

Take this for a spin, written by my old therapist.

Shoshana Schoenbaum, huh?

Tara?

Gimme came out.

Marshall: This movie is really about Max Gregson --

the man who fell in love with that.

Your son got into the film festival.

Will you take me? To New York?

In the name of the Father, Son, Holy --

Oh, fuck me!

Kate: I really like Evan, but that kid...

Monty, come down here! Monty!

That kid's a handful.

Abby: New mommy. I can smell it on you.

And I'm doing it all alone right now.

You really can't take care of your kids

until you take care of yourself.

I order crab tortellini.

Catastrophically allergic to crab.

Why do I order it? Because I'm thinking of you.

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm losing pieces.

Chicken is dead.

He killed her. Who killed her?

I killed her.

And who are you?

I'm Bryce Craine.

I need you to take me to Tara.

Why Tara?

I'm going to kill her.

Out of the cornfield, into the car,

drive to a diner, order pancakes.

Pancakes rule.

Then back in the car, drive around town,

stop for petrol, go to a new diner.

Murder makes me hungry.

Yeah, that was a stuffed toy.

You haven't killed anything.

I'm fucking with her,

old guy who talks like Obi-Wan.

Our girl believes it, not me.

So, is Chicken dead or not dead?

Dead, undead -- does it matter?

I don't believe in this D.I.D. bullshit

any more than you guys do.

Haven't heard that one before.

Say that again?

And now I'm bored. And out of Cheetos.

Uh...

Tara, this is Dr. Smolow.

Hello.

He's a colleague of mine.

It is Saturday. You're in my office.

Mm. Take a seat.

Something's not right. Something --

You've had quite a night.

Chicken.

I can't feel Chicken. Something happened.

Someone --

Bryce?

He was just with us.

The relevant term here, if I may, is "abuser alter."

It's a personality modeled on a primary abuser,

caretaker, family member...

Or, in this case, stepbrother.

This personality protects itself from the original abuse

by -- well, becoming the abuser.

It's a paradox -- the self turning against itself,

which accounts for your cutting.

Bryce? Who turned my brain into bread slices?

That's my new alter?!

Uh...

Yes.

Oh, God, I need to go home.

Actually, maybe I need to go to the pharmacy.

Now seems like a good time to revisit the old anti-psychs.

Where's the truck? We took the ogre, right?

Yeah, I'll drive you home.

No, no, I'm good to drive. I like driving.

No, no. Okay, you drive me home, okay?

'Cause I came in your car.

Oh, God, I can't feel Chicken.

She's gone. What happened?

We'll discuss it in the ogre.

Okay.

An alter who doesn't believe in D.I.D.

Mustard, spicy mustard, fancy asshole mustard,

relish, onions, kraut,

something I call secret sauce, but it ain't recommended.

Two dogs with mustard and kraut.

What's wrong with the secret sauce?

Turns your dog into an enema. Some people like that.

Me -- I prefer to stay bunged up.

Okay, then.

Yeah!

Good to be out of fucking Kansas, huh?

Fucking Orgalawn and all that crazy fucking-ass shit at home.

I mean...I don't mean what you think I mean.

Mom's a handful.

There's nothing wrong with saying it.

We're in New York. Say what you want.

A-fuckin'-men, kid.

Two dogs with the cowardly kraut.

Thanks.

It's your town. What's the plan?

Well, we have the festival meet-and-greet at 7:00,

so I was thinking the Algonquin Round Table,

Village Vanguard, and the Chelsea Hotel?

Yeah, fuck the Empire State Building.

What do you, uh... What do you want to do first?

I want to jaywalk.

Whoo!

Hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Fuck! Why do you hate me?

Not you, little baby.

This fucking car seat.

Scandinavian piece of shit!

Oh.

Yes.

Shit.

Morning.

Ooh! Somebody had a long night.

Buck? T?

Eh, I couldn't sleep.

Got up early. Happy pills.

I was up at 4:30, and that truck was not there.

Okay, Wheels, we're going.

Did I just lock my keys in my car?

Because that would be outstanding.

Where are you rushing off to? Shit!

Oh, movie matinee for mommies and babies

with Abby and some people who call themselves

the "Fierce Mommies Book Club."

Don't ask. I don't know why.

Fuck!

Thank Christ.

So, are we on for menstrual Sunday?

Oh, I got to pass. I'm cramming for midterms.

Come on.

Kate will be back from "Louville" or "Louieville"

or whatever the fuck it is.

Girls only, gathering our femme power.

I bequeath my power to Wheels.

I got to cram. Must cram.

Is everything okay?

I'm...indestructible.

Okay, okay, we're going.

All right.

* Solar winds are blowing *

* neutron star controlling *

* all is lost *

Aah!

Oh, my --

F--

Oh, shit.

I know it's weird -- I mean, it's just a burnt book,

but she's not there anymore.

I mean, it's Shoshana. She never shuts the fuck up.

And...Up --

and upstairs, it's just -- it's really quiet.

How's the hand?

Well, it's been better.

But, I mean, it's still there. I can feel it.

Shit.

Which is more than I can say for Chicken and Shoshana.

So, yeah, take down those notes,

because now our paper is on the craziest woman in Kansas.

Hey, why limit ourselves to Kansas?

I'm sure there's some nutjob in Argentina

who's pretty fucking out there,

but can he battle the molestee

with the cream-filled molester inside?

Dr. Hattaras: I can't take notes fast enough,

let alone analyze what I've written down.

What's going on in that mind is labyrinthine.

I mean, it's -- it's -- it's beyond the --

Beyond your reach?

Let's move right on past the ethical lapses

that you're not dealing with here, Jack,

and say it plain -- She needs professional help.

I'm a professional.

You're a professor -- Mondays, Wednesdays, and office hours.

Today is Saturday.

The campus is closed, and that woman is unraveling.

So we should put her on an ice floe and just push her off.

Look, the department understands

what you've been going through -- the kite man.

It's understandable that you want to move on to something else.

That has absolutely nothing to do with her!

Right in front of you, Jack.

The department also needs to think about liability.

You in there with her -- that is a lawsuit.

You don't walk out on a patient.

A patient?

Get yourself out of this, Jack, or I will.

You're out of your depth here.