Never Have I Ever

- -

Are you kissing?

Your father's ashes have barely begun to drift out to sea.

Get out of this car!

It's always the short ones.

I'm sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar,

and, uh, my condolences?

- Bye. - "Bye."

Kazhudai. "Bye. Bye."

I mean, what disgraceful behavior, Devi!

What are you gonna do at my funeral? Just have sex on top of my grave?

I pray it's a closed casket.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I just got overcome with emotion because I love Dad so much!

- I would've kissed anyone. - Okay, fine.

I'm just gonna let it slide.

I've done crazy things when I'm emotional too.

I once hugged a man at Circuit City

when I found out a damaged printer was 80% off.

Is that why our printer's so bad?

Hmm?

Hey, I'm in your neighborhood.

Thought maybe we can hang out, but, uh, it seems like you're busy.

So, uh...

Anyway, you can give me a call or text or whatever.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Holy shit is right, Devi.

Ever since their steamy kiss in his car,

he'd been icing her out.

As a former teen jock myself,

I was not surprised by this behavior.

My advice to Devi,

don't let this voicemail get your hopes up.

Just give up on Paxton.

Set your sights on someone more attainable,

like that kid Ben you were just mouth kissing,

or that boy in math class who's allergic to the sun.

Be right in.

Oh my God!

Screw the allergy kid.

That's Paxton!

Hey, were you waiting for me?

No. I was, uh, just chilling.

Outside of my house?

Wait. Have you been here since you left that message?

No.

Well, yeah, I was waiting because I had nothing better to do.

And then I got hungry, so I ordered some Chinese food,

but I mean, I... I honestly, was just about to leave.

This is the longest Paxton Hall-Yoshida has ever spoken.

Wait! Is he nervous?

So, like, what's up?

Uh, it was kind of a special day. We spread my dad's ashes in Malibu.

No shit.

That's intense.

Hmm.

So, did you have something you were gonna tell me or...

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say

I feel really bad for being such a dick to you.

Yeah, you really were.

I don't kiss guys that often, Paxton.

I thought maybe I did something wrong.

Like, maybe I flooded your mouth with saliva.

No, no. The kiss was fine. It was good.

I was just being dumb,

and...

I'm sorry.

Was it the greatest apology? No.

He mostly looked at his shoes, and the vocabulary was limited,

but when it comes out of that beautiful mouth,

it's friggin' Shakespeare.

So would you maybe want to, like, come over for dinner tomorrow night?

Dinner? At your house? Y-You and me?

Eating together? At the same table?

Yeah. How do you normally eat dinner with people?

All right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Vishwakumar.

Whoa! Did Devi just French Ben at the beach

and get asked on a date by Paxton?

Did hell freeze over in the last hour?

How is it possible that this formally uneffable nerd

has two boys that are into her?

Devi lay in her bed pondering these two grand romantic gestures.

Ben had broken the law, stolen his Dad's car,

and risked his life to help her say goodbye to her dad,

but Paxton had left her a voicemail.

A voicemail!

We're talking about a boy who usually texts the letter "K."

And since Zoomers rarely call anyone on the phone,

checking Paxton's voicemail led her to find another one

she had forgotten about.

Hi, it's Dad. I'm... I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,

but a brute security guard is making me circle around.

Uh, oh, wait, I see you. Ah! There's my perfect girl.

Ugh! This Trader Joe's puttanesca keeps falling out.

Wow. You're taking so many snacks to India.

You'll be the hero of the family.

Damn. Indian people love Trader Joe's.

They do. If I can bribe an uncle with a box of Thai Lime & Chili cashews,

maybe we can get a good deal on a condo for the two of us.

Kamala, inga vaadi. Just need some help.

Nalini was still set on moving to India at the end of the month,

but first, she needed to go there to set things up

and kiss up to her family.

Ugh!

This sucks a butt.

I can't believe we're moving to stupid India.

Things were just getting good for me here.

Oh, because now you kiss boys in overpriced SUVs?

Yeah, there'll be no more of that.

Yeah, because you're dragging me away from the only home I've ever known.

Listen, Devi,

I know this is not what you want, but I just need more family around us.

So can you please just give this a chance?

And while Devi wasn't thrilled about the move,

she felt close to her mom for the first time in a while

and didn't want to mess that up.

It doesn't matter. I'll be back here in two years,

going to Princeton, dating a guy in a band.

I'll get a tattoo of his name under my boobs like Rihanna.

Over my dead body.

So, I have a very exciting day today.

I'm gonna meet with this other dermatologist in my building.

I'm gonna try and sell him my patient roster for a vastly inflated price.

Whoa. Dr. Jackson?

He took the fat out of Ben's mom's double chin

and stuck it in her butt.

It looks amazing.

And he drives a Maybach. It would be ostentatious on anyone else,

but somehow he drives it with a quiet humility.

Who needs all that flash?

I think people prefer no-frills, immigrant values

when it comes to their dermatologist.

In your dreams, Mom.

I have an exciting day as well.

Today I start my new PhD rotation for, get this, Dr. Elgin Peters' lab.

He's basically the LeBron of stem cell research.

He's the reason I went to Caltech.

His work on gallbladder cells is breathtaking.

It is so annoying how no one knows how nerdy you are because you're so hot.

Thank you, Devi.

As Devi entered Facing History,

she was also facing love triangle.

What an embarrassment of riches!

I know what you kids are thinking.

This is just like the time in 1979 when I won the US Open Doubles title

and later that same week, the Men's Singles title.

- Wow! Look at that gorgeous hair. -

Anyway, she was on a hot streak.

She probably would have felt guilty if it weren't so exciting.

Good morning, Ben. Good morning, Paxton.

So nice to see both of you on this fine day.

- - Salutations, my protégés.

How were your weekends?

I spent mine in Little Ethiopia refreshing my collection of dashikis.

My weekend was pretty great.

Yeah, my weekend was tight.

They're talking about you, Devi. Be cool.

I spread my dad's ashes at the beach.

Nope.

Ah yes.

Antyeshti, the last samskara

in a series of life cycle events in the Hindu tradition.

- I would've loved to have joined. - That would've been weird.

Perhaps.

I wanna remind everybody

that our annual community service day is tomorrow,

and we are going to be removing trash from a park in Pacoima,

but the real cleansing will be to...

our own consciences.

Oh, I know that park. I love littering there.

Hi. We're here to see Dr. Jackson.

Okay.

Ugh! What rubbish is this?

What kind of doctor sells pumpkin spice body butter?

It's actually very helpful for burn victims.

Hello, Dr. Vishwakumar.

Dr. Jackson.

How can I help you today?

Wow! Is Wolverine your patient?

Oh, Hugh? His family stays at my place in Tahoe.

I always forget he's a celebrity. He's just so down-to-earth.

Dr. Jackson, as you know, I am moving my family back to India and--

Oh, is... is that why you're leaving?

I assumed you lost your medical license for negligence.

Hilarious joke.

Anyway, I have an enviable client roster,

and well, they can all be yours for no less than $100,000.

Now, you're the hilarious one.

Thank you for stopping by.

Take some SPF lip balm on your way out.

Wait, wait, you must not have heard me.

My entire roster of loyal patients isn't attractive to you?

I don't need your patients. I'm very successful.