Funny Bones

It's them.

Now, Jack, do exactly what we rehearsed, nothing else.

Say exactly what we agreed, nothing else.

Certainement, mon Capitain. Ne vous fachez pas.

Very good, Jack.

- See you later. - Yes.

Messieurs.

Where is the money?

We would like to see the money.

Understand?

One more.

I don't know, mate. It's nothing to do with me. Honest.

Marcel!

- Get moving. - What about him?

Get moving.

Get rid of him!

Lose that bastard. I said, get rid of him!

Get out of here.

Dad!

I'm gonna

die!

Somewhere beyond the sea

Somewhere waiting for me

My lover stands on golden sands

And watches the ships that go sailing

Somewhere

Beyond the sea she's there watching for me

If I could fly like birds on high

Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing

It's far

Beyond the stars, It's there beyond the moon

I know beyond a doubt

Sit. Down. Bad doggie, down.

Good doggie! Beg.

Room service, Mr Tommy. Can I turn down your pants?

- How's the star of the show? - I'm gonna die.

You're among friends. We won't let you die!

I don't mean on stage, although I feel like shit.

- I mean, I'm gonna die! - What are you talking about?

If I don't do it, make it happen. You know, find that feeling

in two weeks, I'm just not gonna live any more.

You mean you feel desperate.

A lot of people feel desperate before doing something exceptional.

I'm not playing it safe any more. I'm gonna take it right to the edge.

And do pirouettes.

- What are you talking about? - Pirouettes, you dumb fuck.

And if I fall,

well, so be it. You know. Who gives a shit?

My father in the audience yet?

We're late. That's it, we're late.

- Don't say it was me. - Relax, dear.

I'm gonna die.

Welcome to the Hilton Vegas, Mr Fawkes!

- Great to see you. - Thank you.

No matter what happens, nobody can say you're not a great father.

Hi.

Now is not the time to lose faith in the material.

It got you this far.

As an opener, the dog story is the best joke I ever wrote for you.

But if... which it won't... but if, and I mean only if...

Jesus, you make me doubt things. If it doesn't work,

use the saver.

You mean, a joke's like a lady getting out of a car.

Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't?

- Yeah, that's it! - Yeah, that's it!

Tommy, I don't think you should use the sheep story.

- What are you telling me? - It's not that kind of house.

It uses the F word, and this is not the Comedy Store.

- You'll lose 'em with the F word. - Risks, Al. Pirouettes!

A one-way ticket.

Two weeks to live.

- You're nervous. - I waited all my life for tonight.

What are you doing, pumpkin? Don't do this, please.

You're so cold. You have frozen the life out of me.

What is this? What are you doing to me?

You're all that matters. All you think about. Tommy Fawkes!

Tommy, you're so cold.

You wonder why people don't laugh at you?

What?

What are you saying? What are you saying to me?

I am saying that you cannot have relationships.

We're through. That's what I'm saying!

- Hi, son. - Hi, Dad.

I won't hold you up.

Boy, this takes me back. New mirrors.

All I came to say was, you couldn't ask for a better audience.

That room is filled with people.

Friends, family, the whole of show business is there!

They're all just hoping and wishing, and ready to laugh, son.

- I better go. - Sure, OK.

I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you.

- Five minutes, please. - He'll be right there.

If this audience doesn't laugh,

then I don't know what.

I just think all those years of playing small venues

and learning the business is about to pay off for you.

And I hope so. Because I know you haven't always found life easy.

- OK! Dad, I have to go. - OK.

Go get 'em.

Kill the bastards.

We will meet beyond the shore

We'll kiss just as before

Happy we'll be beyond the sea

And never again

He was fine.

I'll go sailing

Sailing

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new face topping the bill

at the Hilton Oasis.

A new face. But an old name. The name is Fawkes.

Yeah! Tommy Fawkes! All right!

I'm gonna keep Tommy waiting just a little longer. First of all,

there's something special we have to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest star of them all.

The funniest. Mr Originality himself,

in the audience tonight. Mr George Fawkes!

Come on, George. They want you.

Don't do it, Dad. Please don't do it.

As the cow said on a wintry morning: "Thank you for that warm hand."

But seriously, folks. I cannot tell you what a joy I feel

being here at the... Hilton Oasis.

He did it. He did it.

Mr Fawkes? Are you OK?

I can't believe he did that. Oh, boy.

A gag is like watching a girl get out of a car.

Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't.

I'm history, I'm out of here. Have a good night.

You still got it!

I can't believe he did that.

And now will you welcome

the man who has inherited that talent.

Mr Tommy Fawkes!

He's great!

Slay 'em, Tommy!

My wonderful parents, ladies and gentlemen.

They hated me. They once took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

Do you ever feel like killing yourself?

Like no matter what you do, people will always see you as one thing?

It's like a lifetime of bad luck.

I came home last week, my dog looked sheepish. Dogs can look sheepish!

I feed him, he won't eat. He starts wailing real loud.

I go into the back room, I see he's broken a very large mirror.

I say, "Did you do this?" He said, "Yeah." He did.

"It's OK, why are you so upset?"

He says, "49 years bad luck."

A joke's like watching a lady get out of a car

Sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't.

Did I say something funny?

I was playing Carthage, Tennessee. Ever play there?

They brought back the death penalty for comedians only.

Guy in a bar says, "I used to own this place. I built it up from nothing.

"But do they call me John the Bar Owner? No.

"I owned the biggest farm in the county for 30 years.

"I looked after animals, crops. But do they call me John the Farmer?

"I ran for Congress. Sat in Washington representing the people.

"They call me John the Congressman? No, sir.

"You fuck one sheep..."

I gotta run. You made a lousy fucking audience.

My name is Tommy Fawkes, and I got two weeks to live.

Tommy?

Well, my mama she didn't love me

She had to stay out all night long O Lord

Well, my mama didn't love me

She had to stay out all night long

I didn't care if she didn't love I would boogie-woogie anyhow

When I was working up in town, people

I was walking down Hatham Street

I heard everybody talking about it The Henry Swain Club

I decided I'd drop in that night and when I got there

I say, yes, people you do really have a ball

Come on. Get it off him.

Get it off him!

We'll send somebody to find your father and your uncle.

Is there anything else you want?

Anything we can bring you?

Toast!

Toast.

Over here!

Here! Over here!

Here!

Look, it's nothing. It's just a foot.

It'll blow over. It's a one-off.

Yes.

No.

I will, I will.

I resent that. Piss off!

Animals.

Did you tell them there's no connection

between the foot and the man in the tower?

Jack Parker's father?

I am. That's his uncle.

I'm afraid he's climbed the tower and he won't come down.

He's asked for toast.

Do you know why? I mean, toast?

Toast, shut up.

May I ask you what you do?

How do you mean?

Come on, Mother.

You're from the lawyers? Broadbent, Phelps, Burger & Burger?

Berger & Berger... I'm Lawrence Berger. You're Mr Tarascas?