Murder, He Says

Of course, it ain't necessary to remind ya that by re-electing me sheriff,

you're upholding the reputation for law and order

that I've given plainville for the past 20 years.

- Why ain't the fleagles in jail? - Yeah.

You keep quiet, Vic Hardy.

You've got no right coming in here...

How come you keep on ignoring the fleagles?

I got to catch 'em doing something first.

Hey, quiet down there a minute, will ya?

I got long distance here.

I bet you he's scared of them pesky fleagles and he knows it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll tell him, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Ben! Yeah?

What do you know? Bonnie fleagle just busted out of the penitentiary.

Yeah, they think she's headed for their place up in potawatomi.

Well, you're the sheriff, Ben, what you gonna do about it?

You better get up there, Ben.

Well, I ain't going alone.

You are as far as I'm concerned.

- I'm going home. - Hold on!

Come back here. It ain't fair.

If I got to go, somebody's going with me.

I'm gonna deputize every able-bodied man in this store.

Hold up your right hand.

Swear this is the law in this here emergency according to the state statute?

Ya bet you do.

Now, nary a man leave here till I get back with the guns and ammunition, do you hear?

And that goes for you too!

Come on!

Oh, howdy.

Quite a bit of excitement around here.

- Coming in or going out? - Oh, I'm coming in.

- Was there a fire? - Hey! Leave that cider be!

Them ain't paid for it yet.

If he goes to potawatomi, he'll never pay for it.

Now leave it be.

- All right, mister, what are you selling? - Oh, I'm not selling anything.

My name is Pete Marshall. I'm with the trotter poll.

- What poll? - The trotter poll.

Same as the gallup poll, only we're not in quite as much of a hurry.

Yeah, there was a fella up here last week doing the same thing.

Well, that's what I came in to ask about.

- Was the fella's name smedley? - Something like that.

- A short fellow with glasses? - I think maybe he was.

Well, do you happen to know where he went? We haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks.

Last week, said he was heading towards potawatomi.

Maybe that's why you haven't heard from him.

Potawatomi, eh? It wasn't like smedley

to just up and quit his job without notifying us.

You call that a job, meddling into other people's affairs?

Oh, we're not meddling, we're simply making a survey

of the modern way of life in the rural communities.

Modern or not, we like it, you bet ya!

Oh, naturally, naturally. All we're interested in

is whether you have electric refrigerators, radios, washing machines.

What do you think we are? Hicks?

Uh, well, anyway, I'm up here to complete smedley's survey

and locate him if I can.

How far is potawatomi?

About six miles up the road.

- Nobody up there but the fleagles. - The fleagles, huh?

Well, I'll drop by and see the fleagles. Maybe they can tell me where he is.

Uh, mister...

Don't the name "fleagle” mean anything to ya?

No. Should it?

He said, "should it?"

They don't cotton to strangers up at the fleagles,

especially strangers that ask questions.

Oh. Well, asking questions is my business.

You see, we trotter men are especially picked for our ability to probe without snooping.

Thanks again, gentlemen.

Think we ought to have told him?

Listen, Lee, I'm still pretty spry at 80 and I got this way minding my own business.

He said snooping was his business, didn't he?

Of all the fleagles, it's my sons that's got to be the dumbest!

I thought I told you to get rid of this club!

- I thought Bert did. - I thought mert did.

Do you want to get us all hung?

Now take it out and bury it.

Aw, ma, make Bert do it, he bashed the feller with it.

Do it yourself, you held him.

I don't care who bashed him or who held him!

- I want it got rid of! - Oh!

Now get going.

Ya lazy good-for-nothings!

Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

In the house!

Help! Go away, go away.

Go on, get!

You got here just in time.

I can't hang on here much longer.

Get me out, huh?

Go away.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, wait! Wait, you're pushing me in!

Yup.

Yup?

Help! Help!

- Mert? - Help!

Yeah, ma?

What's all the ruckus about?

Caught me a snooper.

- Help! - You let him be till I get there!

Aww.

What you snooping around here for?

A friend of mine... l assure you I wasn't snooping around.

Your dogs chased me in here. I'll gladly pay for any damages.

Fetch him up the house where we can get a look at him.

I tell ya he's a snooper and I'm getting rid of him.

Do as you're told!

Get him out of there!

Thanks.

Hurry it up, stranger.

Hey! Go on, get out, go on!

Come on into the parlor.

Oh, didn't see that down there.

Clumsy of me.

You, uh, folks in the slaughtering business?

Folks in town been gossiping?

Uh, no, no. I was just referring to your trophies.

Pretty, ain't they?

Yes, they're very smart.

- Sit down, sit down. - Thank you.

Now tell me what you're here for, mister.

Well, Mrs. fleagle...

I ain't Mrs. fleagle no more.

After Clint died, I married bill Smithers.

- Oh, well, Mrs. Smithers... - I ain't Mrs. Smithers neither.

When bill was took, I married Mr. Johnson.

Smartest critter you ever seen.

Well, congratulations, Mrs. Johnson.

I'm with the trotter poll.

We go all over the country gathering data.

You got him, ma.

What are you saying?

We gather data on the trend of living conditions in rural communities.

Now, one of our representatives seems to have disappeared down around here

and I... 1 just thought I'd inquire if you might have seen him.

You may ask me your questions, young man.

You may ask me practically anything.

Would it surprise you to know that I have a ba, a phd,

and a medical degree?

No. No, not at all.

I've also dabbled in phrenology, psychology, and the science of hyperphysical manifestation.

Oh, then you're responsible for that lit-up dog I saw outside.

That, my friend, was merely a figment of your imagination.

Wish he'd stop speaking that foreign language.

That's Mr. Johnson, my new husband.

I told you he was a smart one.

Hi, Mr. Johnson.

I'm from the trotter poll.

Should I make another one, mamie?

- Another what? - Coffin.

Coffin?

Oh, grandma fleagle is a-dying.

Oh, well, I wouldn't want to intrude on the family's bereavement.

- We ain't bereaving. - Hold your tongue, mert!

Now, uh, what was your problem?

There's no problem, it was just that one of our men disappeared down here,

and Dr. trotter wanted me to see if I could find him.

- What was his name? - Smedley.

Hector p. Smedley?

Look, stranger, we don't know no smedley.

Now get before I blast your ears off.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

- Hunting for something? - No, I was just...

Oh, no, you... you couldn't have.

Get.

Yeah, I'm getting.

Get in the house.

- Yeah, but you told me... - I told you to get in the house.

Wish you'd make up your mind.

I could've sworn I saw you go up those stairs.

No!

Get out of here, you drunk!

I'll get ya, I'll get ya, I'll get ya!

Dirty snoop.

I'll get ya, ya dirty...

Ya dirty, snooping hound!

Old crow never could shoot.

What's the shooting for?

Oh, the old gal is all het up about something, ma.

Well, she won't be getting het up much longer.

I thought I told you to get.

Look, I'm getting a little sick of this. In, out. Out, in.

Get.

All right, but this is the last time.

Very confusing. Why don't you just sit down there for a minute?

Where do you think you're going?

Ventriloquist too.

No!

Oh.

That's the way you do it, huh? Twins.

Clever, ain't they?

Uh, how do you tell 'em apart?

One of 'em has got a crick in his back.

That's Bert. That's mert.

Oh, very simple, isn't it?