The Babymakers

I Well since time out Of mind I been lazy J'

J' And times before That I was cruel J'

J' And the times Before that J'

J' I was mean / was mad J'

I I never had Nobody like you J'

I And the times before That I was crazy J'

J' I saw the dark Side of the moon J'

I And the stars In the sky J'

J' They never Caught my eye J'

I 'Cause I never had Nobody like you J'

I I never had Nobody like you J'

I I never had Nobody like you J'./'

Tommy?

Tommy, the baby.

Hm?

It's your turn.

Please.

Right. Right. Okay, okay.

God damned baby.

Don't do that.

The second we walked in here, I could feel my wallet start whining.

If we're gonna get the steak, you wanna get the Oregon Pinot.

Yeah, I saw that. It's 200 bucks though.

Babe, it's our anniversary.

Have you had a chance to decide on some wine this evening?

You have no live entertainment.

You are correct, sir.

And I have no money. An idea, and you can say no.

Is it possible for me to dance off a portion of our tab?

Dance it away?

It would be unusual

Look how cute he is.

Has this worked before?

Not that I can remember.

Are you sure? Because he's very good.

Really?

No.

You're an idiot.

I'm an idiot? You married me.

So?

Three years!

I know. Three years.

Well?

I knew you were gonna bring this up.

So, you remembered?

Absolutely, I remember.

So, you're ready?

Yeah, I'm totally ready.

You're ready to be a dad?

A dad? What? I thought we were talking about anal.

Is the three year not the anal anniversary?

No. It is. Okay.

Okay, if you really want to, I'm willing to give it a try.

Seriously?

Yes. We need to stop by the sex shop on the way home.

I need to get a strap-on. Do you prefer regular or ribbed?

You are good. You had me there.

Seriously, I'll give it a try.

I just don't know if it will fit.

Of course it won't fit. That's the fun. Pain.

We could do that, or we could just have a baby.

Ah, you did remember.

I did.

You really wanna have a baby?

Yeah, I really do.

We're gonna have a family.

We are gonna have a family.

You can teach him how to play baseball.

And how to pick up chicks.

What if it's a girl?

I love girl on girl.

Get it out. Just get it all out.

Um, so Audrey, when do you wanna get started?

I I feel like something Good is on the way J'

Hey, how's my form?

What? What's wrong?

What?

Nothing. Nothing

Are you bored?

Are you tired of having sex with me? Are you disgusted?

Can you get out of me, please?

Ouch.

Why isn't this working, Tomm y?

Something's wrong.

Maybe it's 'cause you don't really wanna have a baby.

How can you say that?

I've been working my ass off for nine months trying to get you pregnant.

So it's a job? I'm sorry, how much, how much do I owe you?

Is it 40, 50 bucks?

Wow. 50 bucks? That's it?

You know, you could possibly get a back alley shave for that,

but not this, sister.

I'm sorry I low balled you.

Well, you did. That was a serious low ball.

I'm not a crack whore.

You're the one who said having sex with me was like a job.

I never said that. You said that.

You weren't thinking it?

No.

It felt like it

It's not what I was thinking, because I'll tell you,

sex with you is-- it's beautiful, you know.

And it's wonderful.

And it's amazing.

Sex with you is like-- it's like, it's like--

It's like a full time job

Maybe you oughta get tested.

Tested? No. I'm good.

Oh, you're good? How do you know you're good?

Excuse me, Wade. I'm shooting good stuff. I know this for a fact.

All right. I never told anyone this,

and I swear to God I'll kill everyone if you say anything,

but when I decided to ask Audrey to marry me, / couldn't afford a decent ring, right?

So / told her that / joined a softball team.

You suck at softball.

I hate softball. I told her I joined the softball team.

What I did instead, I drove back to Pasadena to a sperm bank. Right?

I donated sperm. Every week for 20 weeks.

Eighty-five bucks a pop they paid me.

At the sperm bank, they don't take bad sperm.

They test the shit out of it.

Hey, dude, 85 bucks a pop?

If someone were to rob that place

and sell the sperm on the street, they can make a fortune.

Jesus, Zig Zag. Have you been downtown lately?

There's enough sperm on the street to choke Doogie Howser.

Hey, bring out the pictures, man.

You brought the pictures of the ex, right?

The pictures of Tanya? Bring 'em out. I've seen that shit.

She's my girlfriend now.

She's aware you're showing these pictures?

Yeah, probably.

Holy shit, dude. Look at those nipples.

No offense, but I can tell how Tommy might be able to pull this girl.

But with Wade?

Did you say "no offense"?

Is she a chubby chaser?

That's more offense. You keep offending.

I'm sorry, but okay, no offense.

Just tell us how you got this chick.

You see, Tommy and I are cut from the same cloth, my friend.

Good cock, bad cock. Come on.

Honey, is he even ejaculating properly?

Because I read on the Internet that guys are faking it. It's like a trend.

Mine does not fake it.

Nobody likes a gloater.

How do guys fake it?

They keep a bike bottle in the bed and then they squirt it over your back.

I saw it on YouTube.

Tommy is not faking it, but something's wrong

I'm kinda worried.

Are you using your fertility calendar?

Yeah, I have an app for that

I love apps.

You know, 90% of the lime, it's the guy's fault.

It's definitely Tommy. You need to get that junk checked.

Hey, listen, guys, can we keep this between us?

Tommy's a little sensitive about all this stuff.

I won't say anything.

Who am I gonna tell?

Hey, Coach Stubbs. How're you doing?

Tommy Mack//n. How the hell are you?

Not too bad.

How's that pretty wife of yours?

Good, good. How's the team this year?

Honestly? We suck about nine different kinds of ass.

We're pulling for you either way.

Thanks. We're pulling for you, too.

For who? For me?

Well, I understand you have a little trouble knocking up the Mrs.

You know what works really well? Hot peppers.

Eat as many of 'em as you can.

Just make sure you don't go munching on her biscuit right away.

You'll kill the poor woman.

You gotta keep the sperm cool, yah?

You can't let the balls get overheated.

That's why they hang on the outside.

Like an air cooled Volkswagen engine.

Shitake mushroom, ginger root, cucumber.

You mash /'1' all up. You allow it to boil for three long hours

and you gently lower your ball sack down in there,

and let them steep for ten minutes.

Blue Mountain, Jamaican remedy that.

What the he/I are you doing to me, Audrey?

Did you go and tell the whole world?

No, I told three people. I told Mona, Greta, and Karen.

You didn't tell three people. You told three women.

What's that supposed to mean? Where's the ginger root?

Why do you think there are no female serial killers?

Because after they kill the first guy, they gotta go tell somebody.

That's actually a good point.

Hello?

Oh, hi there.

Uh, yeah.

Mm, well, I hadn't heard that.

No. No, thank you.

Yeah.

I love you, too. Okay.

Who was that?

That was your mom.