Staged - Third Season

It's just been nice to do something new.

Yeah, must have been.

I don't like resting on my laurels.

No, you don't.

I like to push myself,

as you know.

ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE

Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?

No, no, no, no. I'm...

You know, we've just been at this for a while now.

Am I boring you?

It's nearly midnight.

Sleep in! I can't. I have responsibilities.

Like what?

Er, like Christmas trees,

erm... family, love.

I want to tell you about my laurels.

And I sincerely do wanna hear about your laurels.

It was an adventure. Was it?

I pushed myself.

Yeah, well, you are doing an advert for cream cheese.

But in Tokyo.

And I drove a car.

Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo? Not a fucking clue.

I'm sure they will when they see you drive a car.

I'm spreading the word.

MICHAEL SIGHS

Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?

I'm not in a mood.

I'm stuck in an airport! Whose fault is that?

I need distracting.

Buy a book.

The shops aren't open yet. Write a book.

When do you board?

I don't know. There's a delay.

Hang on, have you dyed your hair?

No.

It's looking terribly lush and youthful.

It's just the light in this room.

Knock, knock.

No.

Come on! No.

Come on, play with me. No, play with yourself.

Oh, saucy! What's the first rule of improvisation?

Never say no.

Never say no. Give me a location, go on.

Erm, Tokyo airport?

Less specifically geographical.

An airport. Give me a character.

Hyperactive Scottish actor waiting for a plane.

Ooh, interesting. Who's he talking to?

Hestia, the god of patience.

Give me a genre.

Tired romance.

Knock, knock.

Go away!

I've got a parcel for you.

I never ordered anything.

Label says, "Michael Sheen".

There's no Michael Sheen in here.

I think it's a big bottle of hair dye.

Could you use it?

It's from a lovely lad, name of David Tennant.

Never heard of her.

Oh, well, shall I just leave it outside?

Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.

I tell you what, set fire to it and throw it at a badger.

I just need to talk to them.

Isn't David still filming in Japan?

Well, they've got phones in Japan and in Wales.

Michael cocoons for Christmas.

How do you know what Michael does for Christmas?

We talk all the time, to be honest.

What, you and Michael? Yeah, and David.

But you're filming in the Caribbean.

Yeah, they've got phones here, too, Simon.

How is it that everyone is filming something except for me?

They're just so good together, aren't they?

Simon, I'm running out of time. I'm meant to be on set.

And I resent it. Yeah, I won't be a minute.

But I can't ignore it. I need to be in hair and make-up.

Look, the networks don't want me. Nobody wants me.

Of course they do. Only if I've got David and Michael.

So, get David and Michael.

I need an idea. What happened with the film?

It was only gonna happen if I had David and Michael.

Oh! And they said no?

They thought about it.

And then? Then they said no.

The miniseries? The same.

The play in the West End? David or Michael.

For Hedda Gabler? I was shopping a bold concept.

And David and Michael said...

Just went quiet this time.

The pantomime? They wanted Georgia.

As what? Dick Whittington's cat.

And she said no? She left me a very angry voicemail.

Oh, sorry.

It's all right. It was nice to hear her voice.

You need a new idea.

Been offered a radio play.

Oh, of?

Six Characters In Search Of An Author.

Hm. Do you want to do that?

No, I wanna write something!

They've said no to everything you wrote since series two?

Comic Relief. They said yes to Comic Relief.

You can't say no to Comic Relief. It's like national service.

Lucy? Yeah. I've got to go.

But if I offer them something and they say no again,

that's it, I'm toast. I know.

Yeah, OK, I'm coming.

Oh, um...

Is there a version of this?

Is there a version of what? Erm...

Our director says it when he wants us to try something.

What do you mean?

It's disarming, you can't say no.

Is there a version of this where we cover it in one shot?

Is there a version of this where we talk less emotionally,

where we discuss working together again?

Is there a version of this?

Lucy. I'm coming!

Start with that, and just see what they say.

Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.

Bye-bye. Oh, er, one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So, they're not picking up when I call,

so is there a version

of this where you...?

SHE SIGHS Seriously?

My co-star reminded me of you.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, not you now you,

like, nowadays grumpy old bastard you.

Not that you. But you back in the day

when we first started working together.

How so?

You know, it was playful,

quick-witted, youthful, curious.

I made him laugh.

Remember when I used to make you laugh?

Well, I was young.

I laughed at glove puppets and people falling over.

Yeah. We don't laugh any more.

We don't talk any more.

We're talking now.

Yeah, but only while we wait for Lucy.

MICHAEL SIGHS We talked last night.

Yeah, but you were in a mood.

I was not in a mood.

All right, fine. You weren't in a mood.

But you were.

MICHAEL HUFFS

Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?

I don't know.

Gonna go for a wee before she joins us.

Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.

You know, she never saw your Hamlet.

Neither did you. No, I didn't. You're right.

I never wanna see another Hamlet as long as I live, I don't think.

Once you know who done it, sort of takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?

Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.

Fuck off!

No David? No, he's in the toilet.

Oh. Will you be long?

I wouldn't think so. Come on, Christmas trees.

TOILET FLUSHES I don't wanna miss the tall ones.

He's always a double-flusher.

TOILET FLUSHES And there we go.

Ah.

Ah, Anna!

Hello, David.

Where are you? Tokyo.

What happened? Planes have been grounded.

Volcanic ash in the sky.

You're in a hotel? Indefinitely.

Well, you can't miss Georgia's birthday!

I mean, I have very little control over this situation.

She'll be furious. It is a volcano, you know.

Well, have you got her a good present?

I was gonna arrange a party.

What?

Have you done that before?

Well...

No.

But it can't be that difficult, can it?

Will you say hi to Lucy for me?

I will. OK.

Lycka till.

Shisha shill.

I always take the hotel art off the wall.

Blandness frightens me.

I mean, if I were you, I'd take down the mirrors.

Like skimmed milk.

I always feel like they might be haunted

by the ghost of the colour beige.

There's no such thing as bad art.

No, that's a popular misconception.

Hi, everyone!

Ah! Ah, there she is.