That Mitchell and Webb Look

Hello there! I'm Donnie Cosey!

and I'm here for A Prayer And A Pint which, this week,

comes from deep beneath the earth at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.

SILENCE

Oh, that's much quieter!

And I'm joined here in the canteen at CERN

by Doctor of Physics, Mr Rowland Kane. Will you have a pint?

I would love a pint.

Cheers.

And Rowland and the other boffins here at the Large Hadron Collider

are up to something rather exciting,

because they're trying to blow up the universe,

which, I have to say, Rowland,

to a layman like me, sounds like a terrible idea.

So what's all that about?

That's not what we're trying to do.

Right, so what went wrong?

No, Donnie, we're trying to recreate the conditions that existed

the tiniest, tiniest fraction of a second after the Big Bang.

So... ng.

What?

BANNNNNGGG...

And actually, it is making a bit of a "nng" noise.

Well, that may be why.

And I must say, Rowland, if that's a large hadron collider,

I don't much fancy standing next to an enormous one.

And a lot of the work here is, of course, still carried out by hand.

But now it's time for a hymn.

And this week, it comes with an apology

to our regular correspondents, Phil and Meg McQueen of Sulky Abbott,

which is, of course, in Sussex, and not, as I previously read out, Bumsex.

Sorry about that. Red faces all round.

And to make up for it, here's

All I Want To Do, All I Want To Do, All I Want To Do is Praise Him.

And do join us next week when A Prayer And A Pint

is coming from the Mir space station in Colliers Wood.

Cheers. ORGAN INTRODUCTION

# All I want to do

# All I want to do

# All I want to do is praise Him

# All I want to do

# All I want to do

# All I want to do is praise Him

# What do I want to do?

# What do I want to do?

# What do I want to do? Praise Him.

# Who do I want to praise?

# Who do I want to praise?

# Who do I want to praise? God. #

What's so scary is they're among us now.

Any one of us could be one of them - the machines.

I ain't no fracking machine.

Frack those fracking machines. Isn't that right, Colin?

Does not compute! Does not compute!

You're right there, Colin.

Do you want gravy with that, love?

Negative. Oil. Must eat oil.

Oil, Colin?

Colin loves his oil.

Oil.

Let's hear it for the dreamers...

the ones who think anything is possible.

This is for the thrill seekers...

the excitement lovers who think you can never have too much fun.

The ones who live for today...

And who think big, not small.

Welcome to the lottery way of thinking.

Think lottery.

15-inch wireless slim top with the new tabby cat operating system.

Tidy. Slashing edge.

So we're looking at, what, at £1,800 with all the bells and wizards?

1,800 and you get Power Carpet thrown in.

Power Carpet, naturally.

Any up grabs it might need are available from the Install Wow download.

There's a hub for lineless jack-in, obviously.

Eight times as thick as you'd get at home.

Octofat, nice.

Thank you, I'll take it.

Where do I pay?

No, no, I'm the customer.

What? I'm the customer, you're the shop assistant.

No, I'm definitely the customer. You've got the shirt.

I'm just brand loyal.

I don't work here. Look, I'm sure we said I was the customer.

No, I'm the customer because I'm standing

on the customer side of the shopping table.

Is this still the shop sketch?

Yes, we agreed to make it modern.

We shouldn't have done that.

We can't stay in the past - shops have changed.

Not in sketches.

I told you - you need a bell and a wooden counter

and a man wearing brown overalls who says, "Hello, sir,

"welcome to the computer shop. How can I help you today?"

Where do you go shopping?

The last time anyone did that, this would have been the size of a bus.

We could make the computer bigger.

No, this is what these shops are like now.

It's just confusing.

I mean, we could be anywhere.

Are we in heaven?

We'd have harps.

And, to be strictly realistic, you wouldn't even be in a shop.

You can pick one of those up for half the price online.

Good call. Start again?

It's probably for the best.

Perfect, 16-inch slim top, Tabby Cat OS, four Tetra Bix of Wintelligence.

Just go to checkout.

BELL PINGS

Hello, sir. Welcome to the internet shop. How can I help you?

I'd like to buy a computer, please.

SHE WAILS

Thank you.

So, Felicity, how did it go?

Well, Ian, I went in there, put my heart and soul into it,

really gave it my heart and soul and, at the end of the day,

speaking from my heart and soul, that's really all I could have done.

Is it, though? What?

Putting your heart and soul into it,

is that really all you could have done? What about practising?

Or learning the words? Or trying to stay in tune?

Aren't all those things quite important?

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, Ian, I went in there today,

put my heart and soul on the line, really gave it my heart and soul.

And, at the end of the day, coming right from my heart and soul now,

there's really nothing else I could have done.

Yeah, but technically there is, though. What?

Well, you could have got up early and rehearsed,

you could have dressed like a proper singer instead of getting trussed up in leather

like some Tory MP two seconds before a fatal wanking accident,

you could have picked a funky, modern tune

instead of that sort of depressing Mariah Carey thing

that sounded like something a taxi driver would listen to

whilst burning photo albums in a lay-by,

or you could have worked on your vocal technique,

which was a bit hoarse and shouty.

I don't mean to be rude but you put me in mind of a dog

trying to bark the alphabet. Is any of this helping?

But I put my heart and soul into a that performance.

Yeah, but in the real world, that's not really good enough,

which, if you think about it, Felicity, is probably why

you are still living with your gran and working in that Biro factory.

In real life, as opposed to the happy-clappy rainbow fantasy world

that you see fit to fly through

on your winged unicorn of delusion, sincerity is no excuse for failure.

Pilots don't say, "Sorry I killed 300 people

and sheared the roof off that church.

"I was giving it too much heart and soul."

My kids are watching this.

Kids? Yeah, brilliant, because of course,

having children is sort of like a way of achieving something

without needing any talent, which, if you think about it,

is a metaphor for your whole life.

I hate you.

You're a horrible presenter.

Actually, Felicity, I'm not a presenter at all.

I just come here on my lunch break and do this for fun.

Tissue?

They reckon the machines have infiltrated this ship now.

What, this ship? The flagship?

Fracking machines. Affirmative.

You off your food, Colin? Do you want something else instead?

Electric. Must eat electric.

You know, one of them

killed Gavin, trying to get to the security level.

Fracking machines.

Franking toasters.

Thanks, Colin.

I think it might be Bob.

What other supermarkets hide in sausages, we hide everywhere.

Just look at these giveaway-style bargains.

Taste-watch Vegeta-Bitz in breadcrumbs, only 18p.

Heat-style magazine in breadcrumbs, only 95p.

Frozen party pack of deep-fried ranch-style

dinosaur flavour fun shapes in breadcrumbs, 9p.

That's the Didldidi difference.

Didldidi - wake up and smell the shopping.

Bloody hell! Typical! Have you read this?

Yes, and I agree with you. Oh, right.

Hang on, no you haven't.

OK, what?

Scientists say that future generations

have a very real possibility of living indefinitely.

Oh, good. Don't be an idiot. Did you hear me?

Future generations, not us. Right.

Don't you know what that means?

It means we're going to be the unluckiest generation ever. Why?

Because we're going to be the last ones to die, you dick! Well...

We're going to be, like, dying and being looked after

and leaving all our money to a bloody bunch of immortal super-beings.

David, are you jealous? What? Are you jealous of your future unborn children?

Do you want your unborn children to die?

I mean, not actually see them die,

but you'd want to know that one day they will?

You'd look into the eyes of your child, all full of hope and wonder,

and console yourself with the thought that they, too, will age and fail.

Can you just drop the whole sanctimonious fatherhood thing?

What? "Oh, David, now I've got a baby I feel all different about everything. "

"Oh, David, just you wait, David,

till you've got a baby, then you'll feel the same.