Gigli

you see, after all is said and done,

the only thing you can be really sure of,

the only thing you can really count on

in this world,

is that you just never fucking know.

I bet the last thing you were thinkin' about

when you were tying your shoelaces this morning

was that there was a chance that by the end of the day, this day,

those same shoelaces were goin' to be untied

by somebody working for the coroner's office.

Am I right?

I'm right, right?

Hey! get the fuck out of here!

What, you wanna know about this?

Get the fuck out of here!

Take that shit to the dry cleaners.

Now!

Sorry. long day.

Where was I? Ok.

You know, the human body is, like,

80 percent moisture, right?

How much do you weigh? 165? 170?

Now, I figure if you could somehow extract

80 percent of that,

you'd have... Give me a second...

34 pounds

of, like, solid,

not meat...

It'd be more like beef jerky, you know?

But with hair and bones and teeth,

shriveled-up tattoos and whatnot.

Probably be, like, this big.

In any event,

you're startin' to follow my drift here, papi?

Because somebody has some money that belongs to Louis.

Is it you, perchance?

Is it you that has some money that belongs to Louis?

No, no.

- Is it? - No.

- Is it? - No.

No? sure?

- Yeah. - ok.

I'm gonna start this thing and leave.

What do you think? Permanent press or delicate? Nah.

Wouldn't be appropriate if I asked you

if you had change for a dollar.

I got it. I got it.

All right. Calm down. I just need 4 quarters.

No. I got Louis's money.

Oh. you got it.

Yeah, I do.

Well, I got some of it, anyways.

Nah, this isn't what we talked about.

Nah, this is-- it's fucking simple.

- Fuckin' breaking the contract. - (Man) Absolutely right.

- It's very simple. I give you, you give me.

You don't give me, that's not right. Breach of contract.

You're fuckin' up. That's what you're doing.

What do you think I'm out here for? I'm asking you a question.

- What do you think I'm out here for, huh? - Louis,

I'm really scared now.

You're scared now? I don't give a fuck.

I told you not to let this get out of control, didn't I?

What'd I tell you? I told you that, right? Right?

Listen, here's what you're gonna do for me, ok?

You're gonna come see me tomorrow

and you're gonna bring me something.

Ok, you hear me? - Yes. Yes, I do.

Something to scale, all right?

Otherwise I can't--i can't talk to you no more, all right?

I'm gonna have to send jiggly over,

and he's gonna have to settle up with you.

You come to me tomorrow or he goes to you tomorrow. Very simple.

- I'll be here tomorrow. - Yeah?

- That's good. - And I'm not kiddin' ya.

- Get the fuck out of here now. - Ok?

Get the fuck... Go, you fuckin'...

Fuckin' roach.

Fucking class of people.

I'm in Siberia around here.

I know.

Fuck this city.

I don't know how you guys cut it out here.

It's, uh, it's gigli, by the way.

- What? - my name is gi--

pronounced "zhee-Lee." It rhymes with "really.

Is that right? Is that so?

Yeah.

All right. Well, you know what,

I'll remember that for the next time, then.

Meanwhile, you got somethin' for me, gigli...

Rhymes with really?

It's--it's about half.

Half?

Half for today.

Believe me, that's all the guy had.

You know, it's better than nothin'.

How about it's not better than nothin', you fuckin' idiot?

Better is fuck the money

and then you hurt him, it's to spread the word.

Since when are you authorized to make corporate policy decisions?

I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know. I'm sorry.

Are you all they got to offer around here?

You're supposed to be like this vicious, fuckin' mad dog.

I'm sorry.

Walk with me.

There is a certain individual

who is creating very substantial difficulties

for a dear friend of mine in New York.

Now, this certain party

is very bullheaded and seems to be removed

from what i would like to call my sphere of influence.

All right, how can I help?

The plot needs a twist.

The individual needs to be touched in some manner as to, uh,

convince him of the error of his ways

before he can hurt other people,

particularly my friend from New York.

Right.

Now, this certain individual, he's got a, uh,

a beloved relative with certain psychological defects.

I want the relative gotten, all right?

And I want him, for the time being, held onto.

Perhaps then

reason can prevail.

You--you're following all this?

Yeah, all of it.

All of it.

Got it.

All right. Wait. Whoa. Whoa.

Where is he?

Over there.

Right there? That's him?

All right.

Thanks.

I'm all right. You can go outside. I'm ok.

Thanks.

Hey.

Are you Brian?

Huh?

Brian.

I know you're Brian.

Your friend ratted you out back there.

Hello?

What are you, uh, eatin' there?

What do you got, uh? What are those, Polly seeds?

They're not. You're stupid.

I'm stupid.

They look like Polly seeds to me.

- They're sunflower seeds. - It's the same thing.

We just called them Polly seeds when I was a kid.

You must be the stupidest person, you piss-head, pisser-fucker.

ahem. all right, look.

Me and you, we're supposed to go for a quick walk. You ready?

Yeah, we gotta go take a walk around the block.

- What do you say? - I won't give anybody my seeds.

Barry always asks why I don't give anybody any.

Don't worry about it. Keep those.

That's for you, ok?

Come on, let's go. We're gonna take a walk. Come on.

- what did that?! - Shh.

He's kiddin'. He's kiddin'. He's kiddin'.

Ah...

Sorry about that.

All right, look, it's real simple.

You and i are gonna go outside and take a little walk.

I won't grab you again, ok?

- I have to go to the baywatch. - I'm sorry, what?

I have to go to the baywatch. I was gonna go.

You wanna watch baywatch?

Roll by my apartment, we'll turn on baywatch.

Ah! you're the stupidest person. You're the stupidest person.

Not television. The baywatch.

Oh.

The baywatch?

Yeah, the baywatch.

Ok. all right.

Yeah. the baywatch.

Can I go?

You wanna go now?

To the baywatch.

Yeah. I'm goin' there.

I was on my way.

- Yes, I would. - All right.

- Yes, I would. - Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Ok, I gotta get my radio. I gotta get my radio.

The music's gonna be good there.

Ok, good.

Baywatch!

Here we come.

Hey, uh, wait a minute.

You hear that, now? What is that?

You hear that? - No.

Yep, it's my walkie-talkie callin'.

Yeah, hello?

Hey, I told you, don't ever bother me again

when I'm takin' trips with my friends.

Yep.