The Car Keys (Les Clefs de bagnole)

OK, darling, bye.

When we have such a great script, Claude,

we gotta go for it. You have first offer.

What's the story?

Well, I lost my car keys...

- Then what? - He looks for them during the film.

He looks for his car keys?

With his buddy. When you search...

things happen to you: adventures, action...

Yes.

Like it? Want more story?

You produced Life is a Long Quiet River.

Sorry, that title doesn't do the film justice.

Whereas Car Keys...

- How much does your film cost? - In euros?

- No, francs. - 23 million francs.

23?

That's a lot. 23!

Yes, but getting the keys back is what matters.

It certainly does at that price.

At the end of the film I go: "What was he trying to say?"

And I feel a lump in my left pocket...

- The keys are in his left pocket? - Yes.

He only looked in one pocket?

Yes. He never puts his keys in his left pocket.

I see...

- Powerful stuff, huh? - Very powerful!

So what's the story?

It takes him 90 minutes to find his car keys?

Yes. It's an adventure, a quest, rites of passage, an allegory.

An allegory?

It's an image. The Knights of the Round Table looked for the Grail,

it was a kind of tankard.

Jason looked for the Golden Fleece, it was an old goat skin.

A goat skin?

The object is just a pretext for adventures.

Like I'm looking for money.

- 23? - 23.

23.

- It's zappy. - Yes, it's been thought through.

- It's a zappy read. - Zappy.

I thought of calling it Zappy.

- But I couldn't, it's Car Keys. - Car Keys.

- Or we lose the story. - For sure.

What's the story?

Don't go away.

Use my phone, make yourself at home.

Feel free.

We can't be disturbed.

We're cutting a major deal. Call me back.

- He's onto something big. - Tell him to piss off.

America, Dreamworks, fuck 'em. This is real.

- You didn't pass me Spielberg? - He just said...

He said Dreamworks, Dreamworks is Spielberg.

That's a rough outline, if you want details we can...

No, no details.

Who's playing the other part?

When the agents heard about my film,

the hottest in town, they went crazy.

- Who did? - Artmedia, all the agents.

- They read it? - They wet themselves.

After reading it?

Massive commercial potential.

You don't realise it's gonna be mega. Did you see Asterix?

What's the story?

Car Keys...

We'll see.

There, sorted.

I'll leave it?

Yes, but I'll read it when you have a cast.

23 million.

I can't see that trash happening.

Dream on!

Stop stalking me!

I don't want to do your film, it's crap.

Back off, I said no.

- Have you read it? - No, but you're a pain in the butt.

No, no, really.

- Another time. - But I wrote it for you!

You mean I'm like that character?

- It's you. - Drop it.

No.

- But I wrote the part for you. - Yes, but... no.

Laurent, I haven't had time to talk to you...

I didn't like the part.

You highjack me for 90 minutes because you lost your car keys.

I don't give a shit.

I'm not interested in looking for your car keys.

I've never been offered such a crap part.

You're a moron. You wrote that with your feet!

Piss off, ask Dieudo.

Piss off, ask Elie.

He loses his keys and then...

- I lose my keys. - OK, you lose your keys...

I'm not interested. Car Keys. It's a bit flimsy.

I respect what you do on TV, it cracks me up,

you do it very well, but a film is different.

It's Carné, Renoir, the Frères Lumière,

it's La Ciotat, the train pulling into the station.

It's about the history of humanity.

Not some little asshole who I respect...

"No, not TV, I want to do films."

You're going to get fucked, metaphorically speaking.

No hard feelings.

No?

That's my beer.

- That's my beer. - We're one big happy family.

It's a piece of shit.

The nerve of the guy. Shit! Buy some talent.

And shut the door.

Fuck!

No!

How can I put it? No!

I don't want to be in it.

It's not that I don't want to, I can't!

I don't want to.

Maybe you can sell it to the States.

- Not a chance. Sorry. - You mean no?

I'm not even turning round, see.

Good luck when you open!

I've said 20 times I won't do it.

Are you deaf? No, I won't do your film.

I've worked with the greatest, I can't work with the lowest.

- Can I have my script back? - Sure.

Sorry, it slipped.

It's not for me.

It's not for you either.

- Like my script? - It sucks. Please stop.

I've had enough of you and your script.

Please stop. Thank you anyway.

Get off my back!

I hate the part, the film, the title, the story

and I don't like you much either.

Never. You don't go from Resnais to Baffie, no way.

I'm performing. I don't want to do your film, I'm performing.

You know the saying? "The kiss of death".

He wants me in his film.

Not a chance.

Sorry, I can't do it.

Or if I do, only a voice-over.

A dog's voice-over.

Wait, wait!

I will if it's a plasticine dog.

- Found an actor? - I'm counting on you.

Better start looking.

Fucking unbelievable!

Car Keys. 23, take 1!

JAWS

CAR KEYS

Written and directed by

Coming!

- Open the door! - Who's there?

- Who is it? - Me!

I know lots of me's.

It's ME!

You should have said!

You take forever.

Your loft is hard to find.

- Like it? - Fantastic!

Still watching wild life docs?

- No, it's CCTV for the WC. - Nutter!

A common stingray. Same family as the angel fish, the shark...

I can't tell the ass from the ox in the Christmas crib.

I don't give a shit about your fish stories.

- They're interesting. - Still into zoology?

It's taking over your life! Invading your space!

Animals everywhere! Look!

- 2 goldfish. - No kidding!

And that!

- What's that? - It's tidied away. It's sorted.

You're kidding!

- And this? - Youngsters.

Look, they're everywhere!

Jacqueline, back to your room!

What's over there?

My caiman!

Great apartment.

- What's the rent? - 5000.

5000? Cool!

5000 euros.

- Daylight robbery. - Check this out.

What?

- A door onto the sea. - Don't take the piss!

I swear. Look! Come on!

What a load of crap.

Ready?

How about that?

Holy shit! Great!

We picnic here with the kids on weekends.

- Wicked, huh? - Awesome!

Beautiful.

- Come on, Daniel. - It's great!

- Overpriced? - Worth every penny.

Fancy a door onto the sea in your home?

It's my dream.

Onto the sea?

Paris with the sea: perfect!

No, I like the sea but not a door directly onto it.

I don't need it.

In a detached house, OK,