Loser

- I think this might be it, Paul. Good luck. - Thanks.

Boy, it sure is thick.

I'm in.

See, your brother's smart.

He's smart. Are you as smart as your brother? I think so.

We are so proud of you.

- A full scholarship! - Plus a meal plan.

First one ever in our family.

Of course, the kid was reading Archie at one.

That's for Paul.

- Take this. - Grandpa, no. I can't.

No. You don't know the city. Everything there is very expensive.

Just parking your car costs $8.

Grandpa, I don't even have a car.

Make an old man happy.

Thank you.

Paul, dance with me?

Do it. All right.

Yeah! Cool.

Come on!

What are you doing?

No. Like this.

Come on, Paul. Do it right.

- You're messing it up! - What?

There.

- You all packed? - Yep.

Can I give you a hand?

Wiggle that tail section for me just a skosh, will you?

Don't know what I'm gonna do around here without my wing man.

I'll be back, soon as they catch on to me.

What have they got to catch on to?

Well, it's a tough school and...

...everyone else will be more used to the city.

Did you know that one skyscraper has more people than the town of Clairmont?

And they're all real sophisticated too.

You've seen that Seinfeld show, right? It's just like that.

They've all got that sarcastic kind of humor.

And who was purported to be the funniest kid at Jackson High?

You told me a joke the other day. It was hilarious.

- A frayed knot... - String...

...walks into the bar. - Wants a drink. Yeah, that was funny.

You're a funny guy.

I don't know. I mean, it's such a giant city. How can you possibly meet anyone?

You want the secret to making friends?

- Sure. - I picked this up in the service.

You'll have a lot of buddies if you remember this one rule:

Interested is interesting.

- What do you mean? - Well, everybody's got a story, okay?

And all they want is for somebody to listen to it.

People are basically good.

If you care about them, they're gonna want to be your friend.

All you got to do is look at people. Look when you're talking to someone.

That's it. Look them in the eye. Focus.

Hear their story. Hear what they've got to say.

You do that, buddy, and you can do no wrong.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Wiggle that.

Excuse me. Do you want to sit in my seat? You can have my seat.

That was for her.

You look familiar.

- Tall drip. - That would be me.

Hi. I'm Paul.

Abnormal Psych.

We're in the same class.

See you there.

Left, no. Left, no!

But you're pushing!

- Guys, can it go over there? - No.

- Good afternoon. - What's up, man? How are you?

- Let me try that one again. - No, that's good. Don't worry.

See you later.

Hey, guys.

That is a great hat.

Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale?

- Leave it be. - Here, leave it be.

- That fraternity called for you. - Which one? Which one was it?

Gamma something.

Gamma Delta. Gamma Delta Pi?

Gamma Delta Pi.

No, it was gamma globulin, it wasn't a fraternity at all. It was a blood bank.

But they were really interested in you.

It was a blood bank.

The Hunger Artist. It's the story of a performer...

...who fasts as a form of entertainment.

Sits in a cage all day. This is how he manages to entertain his audiences.

But, with his dying breath...

...he reveals his great secret: he could never actually find any food that he...

...liked.

- I meant that. - Jerry Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.

Listen, do you mind if I continue with Mr. Kafka's story?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Looks like you banged your knee pretty bad.

No, I'm fine.

Let's put some ice on it.

What was Mr. Kafka saying about free will versus destiny?

Anyone in the class of 167 students...

...all paying $35,000 a year to be here?

You? Lady in the infantry?

- I didn't read it yet. - I understand that.

You had Ben Affleck on the Leno Show last night.

Great stuff, witty banter, looking forward to the movie.

Perhaps in the future there'll be a course...

...on twenty-first century literature, but until that glorious day...

Want some honey? I have more.

No, thank you.

Listen people, those rectangular slabs...

...you're using as doorstops are books.

Careful. First time you open them, they'll crack a little bit.

Don't be alarmed.

Florence Nightingale, what was Kafka saying about free will versus destiny?

I don't think it's about free will versus destiny.

You don't. Would you mind telling us what it is about?

Sometimes you are so powerless...

...the only thing you can control is how little you can live on.

Interesting.

You've reduced the father of modern literature...

...into an anorexic teenage girl.

You just love humiliating me, don't you?

Dora, I'm not going to have one of those...

..."I know and you know and we know and they don't know" arguments in class.

We've agreed that if we do this it's got to be secret.

I know how ashamed you are of me. I'm just your dirty little secret.

Secret means clandestine. Shame means embarrassed.

I'd think you'd covered that in junior high.

Could you stop treating me like a baby? Why don't you take me seriously?

I'm risking my job to be with you. Is that serious enough for you?

I'm over 18. It's not like you're selling me alcohol.

- Do you know Professor Brown? - No!

- No. - No!

Of course not. He lost his tenure for having an affair with a student.

The board considers that abusing power we have over impressionable minds.

- I could tell them how pigheaded you are. - You are so condescending!

If I'm not smart enough for you, then go for your professor girlfriends!

Your capacity to edit out ideas you don't like makes...

...TASS look like an Al Goldstein publication.

You think I don't know anything.

I think you know how to walk in a pair of platform Mary Janes.

I think you know how to style your hair with an eggbeater.

Save a little time by layering on two, three weeks' worth of eyeliner.

- God, I hate you. - You don't hate me.

- Say you don't hate me. - Let me go! Yes, I do.

- Let me go. Stop it! - Say you don't hate me!

- Hi, Ma. - Hi, Rho.

- Hi, Brenda. - Hi, Bren.

Hi there, son-in-law.

We're ordering 'za, slap me a big head.

I've got the descending dollars meal plan so I already ate at the union.

I have $120, but it has to last till the end of this...

Sorry.

Chris.

You think you could turn it down a skosh?

- "A skosh"? What the hell is that? - Just a little.

I'm going to tell you something, and this is for your own good, okay?

No one likes you.

They don't?

No.

- You didn't notice? - Well, no.

- What did I do? Why doesn't anybody... - I don't know.

You talk weird, your clothes are lame.

You never come in with a sixer.

You're just a wormy little guy who sits in his room and studies. It's so gay.

But I'm on a Regents Scholarship. If I do badly, they'll kick me out.

And I'm not like you guys. You can just drink all night and still pass.

You must be really intelligent.

No, believe me. We're not.

You just got to play it smart.

Take a few Mickeys.

- "Mickeys"? - Mickey Mouse. Cake. Easy classes.

I have to take my prerequisites.

I mean, take whatever you want. Just try not to be so much like...

...you.

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I guess so.

Just trying to help.

Chris.

- What's a sixer? - It's a six-pack.

Beer. Thanks.

Hi, Rho. Hi, Bren.

Excuse me.

Come here, please.

What can I get you?

Your pantyhose.

How about a screwdriver? They're really good here.

I'll give you $50 for them.

You can get three for $10 at Wal-Mart.

$60.

Please order a drink. Just get a beer and I'll think about it.

Okay.

Honey, do you have anything smaller? We can't change this yet.

Thanks.

- Why'd you do that? - Get small bills while they're sober.

When drunk, they won't know what they gave you. Supplement your tips.

- You mean give them the wrong change? - They're donating to your college fund.

- Yeah, but that's stealing. - You're funny.

- You are such a little shit. - Annie, get back here!

You want everyone to think you're Mr. Stud.

I had to tell them.

- You did not! - It's "Truth or Dare"! That's how you play.