Fresh Off the Boat

Amazing, right?

I printed up new flyers for our investment property.

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Honey and I signing off on the final house renovation today.

Thanks to the money you gave us.

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I bought our Halloween costumes!

It's B.A. Baracus from "The A-Team."

Mr. T.

The black guy.

Oh. Well, you could just say that, then.

And you can be...

- Mrs. T. - What the heck is that?

It's a bow-hawk.

Why don't we see what it looks...

No. don't you dare. I never dress up for Halloween.

Why would this year be any different?

Because it's our first one in the suburbs.

Don't you want to experience the one thing

white peop do better than us?

Begging for candy in a disguise to hide your shame?

No, thank you.

I think you just need to see this bad boy in action.

Man, I wouldn't fight me.

S02E05 Miracle on Dead Street

We start on Pickwick Road.

Those houses always come strong with jawbreakers and fun dip.

Then, we're on to the chocolate factory

of Forest Avenue.

All-day milky way.

I can't wait.

I want to be knee-deep in candy by the end of the night.

I mean, like, for real... that's what I want.

Didn't your family celebrate Halloween in D.C.?

Yeah, but it was a little different in Chinatown.

Trick-or-treat!

I saw our bucket on her fire escape a week later.

She planted aloe vera in it.

Let's talk costumes.

Since there's a group of us,

I think it's pretty obvious who we should dress as...

the greatest supergroup of all time.

The traveling Wilburys.

- Nope. - Who?

Is that K.D. Lang?

"Is that K.D."...

guys!

Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison,

Jeff freakin' Lynne!

I mean, there's five of them and five of us. It can't miss.

Yeah...

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do my own thing for Halloween.

Oh. And is your thing a triple-platinum record?

Because the Wilburys already did that.

Nah! I'm going as Humpty Hump from the digital underground.

Okay.

I love Burger King bathrooms!

You and your guys did such a good job, Jerry.

We spent a lot of money on this renovation,

but it was worth it...

especially the ceiling fan in the bedroom.

I will admit, once again, how right I was about that.

I also suggest spraying for termites

before you list the house.

This is the guy I'd recommend.

Right, okay. "Termites."

I'm not spending more money

to spray for magical bugs that eat wood.

I assure you, termites are r...

looks like some termites just got into your business card.

You could've just handed that back.

All right, then, I guess the only thing left

is for you to sign off on the final paperwork.

Let me just go get it from my...

Truck.

Well, get it.

I can't right now.

Teen boys... across the street.

Nice walk!

Hey! Hey! Nice neck!

Oh!

There's just something about a group of teen boys.

They can target your exact insecurities

and attack you where you're most vulnerable.

You're worried about your hairline.

Don't worry. Most women don't care as much as you think.

Why would you say that?

This is crazy.

There's nothing scary about a group of sitting boys.

I'll go get the paperwork myself.

Hey.

Nice pants!

Hey!

Shut your mouth!

Nobody cares what you have to say!

That's how you do it.

Look, I may not have a full head of hair,

but I got a full tank of gas,

and I'd love to take you to my Uncle's bar.

Oh.

Emery, Evan, need a hand, please.

That's how you blast your biceps, Louis.

Real-world strength.

Dad? What did you do?

I made the world my gym.

No. Why'd you buy all this Halloween stuff?

We live on a dead street.

Dead street?

Ooh! Sounds scary.

No, dead...

like no one trick-or-treats in our cul-de-sac.

All the action is two blocks over, on Highland Avenue.

How do you know this?

The homeowners association.

We're meeting tonight to discuss how early

we should all turn off our porch lights

and head over.

They're just gonna abandon our street?

On the best suburban holiday of the year?

I've been looking forward to this ever since we moved out of the city.

Hey!

Who wants candy all night!?

Aaah! Aah!

Rock 'n' roll!

Aah!

I need to speak at the homeowners meeting.

Evan, put me on the agenda.

The day of?

I'll try my best.

Looks like we can finally list the house next week.

The decor looks beautiful, Honey.

Thank you!

Nothing brightens up a home like a bowl of fake fruit.

I but a chiquita sticker on the banana

to help sell the illusion.

Nice.

Oh, what's that?

Somebody drew something in the dust on my car.

It's a rocket ship.

Somebody is excited

this neighborhood is about to take off.

I don't in that's a rocket.

Of course it is. It's blasting out of two smoke clouds.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

that drawing is something much more...

genital.

What?! No way! It's a rocket ship!

It's clearly squirting fuel out of the top of...

You know what? I see it. I see it now.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey!

Nice car!

Time for some smacks.

Oh! Jessica! No, no, no, no, no!

You can't do that!

This is happening, honey.

This is not happening!

Ohh!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

No! Give me that shoe!

Aaaah! What are you doing?!

Okay!

- I'm okay. - Okay.

- I'm okay. I just... - Okay.

I just need to find my pepper spray!

Jessica, stand down!

Stand down!

I'm gonna get pepper in your eyes!

No, you're not!

Stop it! No, no, no! No!

Tic tacs to the face!

Tic tacs in your face!

We're done. We're done, we're done, we're done.

All right. Okay.

Nice temper!

Hey, just wait till Halloween night,

when we egg your house!

Yeah, how do you like your eggs, by the way...

thrown?

Ohhhh!

Go around!

You'd like us to arrest a group of teenage boys

who plan to egg your investment property on Halloween?

Correct. I am willing to pay for the maximum punishment, please.

That's not how the law works.

This police force is worthless!

Oh, come on. It's Halloween!

Kids play silly pranks every year.

Is Officer Bryson here?

He's a family friend, and he'll take this seriously.

Bryson.

Did my bow staff arrive?

Oh. Hey, Jessica.

You psyched for Halloween?

They let me out of the sewers.

So, as predicted,

our community garden was ransacked by squirrels.

I urge us to replant with the defensive countermeasures

I suggested the first time.

An owl?