Heavy Trip (Hevi reissu)

Homo! Are you a boy or a girl?

Get a haircut!

You know the feeling -

when you don't come up with anything smart to say?

Weirdo homo. - Yeah!

It happens to me a lot.

"Dickheads." That's what I should've said.

LOTVONEN SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I'm a metalhead. And we have a band.

That's Lotvonen.

He's insanely fast. As a guitar player.

His parents own this reindeer slaughterhouse.

He also works here.

Pasi is the smartest guy I know.

He might not be totally normal; he remembers everything.

Like, every song he's ever heard. - Hi.

Pasi works in the library. - You have Justin Bieber?

We have Scandinavia's biggest metal record collection in town.

Excellent choice.

Uruguayan grindcore metal.

Listen to that blast beat.

That's one hell of a beat.

Jynkky is the toughest guy in our band.

He's not afraid of anything.

What? Did he die again?

Dilated pupils are a sign of the brain not getting enough oxygen.

Jynkky!

All right. - Yeah. Let's continue.

Jynkky dives into things headfirst.

That's why he's been declared dead twice.

He's so eager to gig abroad.

I'm not so sure about performing.

We've known each other since we were kids.

I guess we were all some kind of outcasts.

This music is our thing.

Other guys can play hockey and drive around chasing pussy.

We play metal.

Dinner's ready. You coming to eat? - Hell yeah.

We're done rehearsing.

Why do we always have reindeer?

I'll eat yours.

Your playing makes the reindeer want to kill themselves.

Soon I'll be out of work. - Not funny.

Boys, the meaning of life is like a clitoris.

You move around it, but you can never be sure -

you've found it. - You haven't.

I've tried. - Quiet. Not in front of the boys.

That was good practice! - That's right.

We're getting there. - The sound was perfect.

It would be awesome to play that cover at a real gig.

If we played that, people would be floored.

There's a club in Oulu where they have new bands.

Seriously? - Yeah. What do you say?

I mean, we've been practicing 12 years.

That would be damn cool.

No gigs before we've written our own songs.

We're not playing covers. - Yeah, we need to write songs.

I wonder what it would be like to be onstage playing.

Morning! - Morning!

I'm happy you provide the residents with entertainment.

Kolehmainen in Room 9 shit his pants again.

Again? - Again.

Hurry up before I throw my panties at you.

Better to shit yourself than to be forever constipated. - Right.

It's his birthday today, -

so please go get flowers when you have time.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

Hi, Turo. - Good morning.

You came to buy flowers? - Yeah.

Come on in.

I need some kind of a bouquet.

One of our residents has a birthday today.

How about some roses and a gerbera? - Sounds good.

How about a blue one like this? That would be unique. - Sure.

Here we go.

How's the band? - We're doing okay.

Any gigs coming up? - We haven't got any yet.

I remember you dreaming about being in a band already in school.

And you always performed in school plays.

I played a rock because I was so shy. - That's rock 'n' roll.

Miia!

Miia. You... - Oh, hi, Jouni.

You look like an angel today. - Jouni Tulkku himself.

What brings the entertainer to our shop?

You know why I'm here. You wanna go for a drive?

I'm going to Kuusamo; we could have dinner there.

That would be nice, but I'm busy here.

Here you are, Turo. - Thanks.

Let me tie these. That'll be 20 euros.

Oh, Turo. I didn't notice you.

Miia captures my attention totally. - Right.

Jouni, you remember Turo also has a band?

Oh. Really?

That's nice. I mean, it's nice to meet a fellow musician.

If I can do anything to help you in the music business, -

just ask. No questions asked.

Really? - Anytime.

I gotta go. See you later.

Stay wonderful. - Right.

Bye!

I gotta go, too. - Okay.

Come back soon!

We have a heavy metal band.

We've been looking for a condenser mic... - Listen.

I don't give a pussy hair about your metalhead faggot band.

You can stick the condenser mic up your ass for all I care.

One more thing.

In the future, go buy your greens somewhere else.

I've been warming that chick up for a long time, -

and you ain't gonna ruin it.

Some might say I work too hard to get laid, but I say, -

"The chase is better than the catch."

You know? No, you don't know a fucking thing.

Go get haircut. I'll go get laid.

With my dick. A pussy. A woman's pussy.

Homo!

Moilanen, are you smuggling drugs?

Jouni said you went to the flower shop -

to woo my daughter. - I bought flowers for one of our residents.

What? - I bought flowers for one of our residents.

I didn't let her move to the city -

because I didn't want her to end up -

dating a glue sniffer like you.

She needs a real man. I know the perfect son-in-law.

Jouni Tulkku? - He's a good man.

He's a player. - What? Say that again.

I mean, I play. In a heavy metal band.

You're a hippie.

Make sure the flowers end up in a vase -

and not in a pipe in one of your drug dens.

Or I'll lock all of you up.

Did you call Jouni a player? - No, I didn't.

Now we're gonna write a song.

Okay, let's do it.

What the hell. That's what we'll do.

How does the song start?

Lotvonen, you have a riff'?

I have a couple of ideas.

"Walk" by Pantera. 1992.

How about this?

Children of Bodom: "Everytime I Die." 2000. Laiho.

Mors Subita: "The Sermon." Finnish melodic death metal.

"Crucified." Necrobutcher of Infernal Legions. 1989.

Turo, why don't you write lyrics first?

What should I write about?

Heavy metal lyrics are usually based on mythology, -

occultism, satanism, or crappy fantasy literature.

You can also write about your personal misfortunes.

Those I've got plenty of. - That's right.

He's right.

What the hell...

What the hell.

Darn!

That's it.

That's it.

Jynkky, this is it.

Are you stupid? This is our sound!

This is a pure blast beat!

The souls of hundreds of reindeers screaming in pain -

on their way to reindeer hell.

When we turn this into a song, grannies will go crazy.

I was thinking it would go like this.

I've never heard anything like it.

It has a bit of Forced Vomit's "Vominatorium Excalibur," -

but the sound is unique.

I'll start with the riff. Then Jynkky and Pasi join in.

Pasi, should we start on the same beat? - Sure.

Then my solo. - No solo.

Then we'll all headbang in sync.

One, two, one, two...

Okay, let's go. - Yeah.

This is "Flooding Secretions," meaning "shit on your thighs."

Goddammit! We've never played as brutally as we just did!

And this was our song.

There's a lot of message in your lyrics, Turo.

Yeah, a lot of words.

Look at this. Our first demo.

Now we make tons of copies -

and send them to record companies, agencies and studios.

Turo, I'll write your number on it. - Mine?

You're the front man, so you can take care of publicity.

Come help me, son.

Some guy pulled into the driveway. A foreigner.

What if he's an EU inspector? I've taken a few liberties -

interpreting the directives. - Let's go ask.

Who is he? - I guess he's an EU inspector.

Doesn't look like one.

Does he have money?

We sure as hell have blood. This ain't no flower shop.

Tell him this is supersharp.

Oh.

Goddammit! Shit!

Goddammit!

I'm sure I'm gonna lose my permit now.

Isn't that the logo of the metal festival in Norway?

The biggest one in the Cap of the North. - Who was he?

"Frank Massegrav, festival promoter."

Jynkky! What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

What did you say to him? - I gave him our demo.