Louis C.K.: Ridiculous

Whoo!

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh! Hello.

Thank you. Oh, I… I don't know.

- -

Thank you very much. Um…

So I took an AIDS test today.

Um…

I haven't had sex in years, I just, um…

I just wanted some good news.

- -Um…

-Anyway. It… -

Turns out I've got AIDS.

Pfft.

Rats.

That's how I got it, actually. I…

Yeah. Did you know you can get AIDS from fucking a bunch of rats?

You can, it's true.

They don't even have to be gay.

But this one was gay. It was gay, yeah.

I fucked a gay rat and I got AIDS.

I was on an airplane recently, and I fell asleep on the plane.

I don't like falling asleep on a plane because I don't like waking up on a plane.

And I don't like… I don't like waking up.

I hate it. I hate waking up.

It's the worst feeling known.

And you gotta do it every fuck…

I had to do it today. You can't skip a day.

It's so unfair that every day starts with just…

Aagh!

Ohh!

Oh, fuck.

I don't wanna do it.

I don't wanna… do it.

Takes me about 40 minutes to be like, "It's okay, it's okay."

"It's okay!"

"You're just a guy, you're kinda fat. It's almost over."

"It's okay, just a couple more."

But… but wakin' up on a plane is much worse,

because it's such a shock 'cause you were just in a dream,

you were in a subconscious state,

and now you're in public.

You go from a deep part of yourself unknown to you,

to there's a guy right here.

There's just a guy.

And you're like…

Aargh!

Phew!

I woke up on a plane, guy next to me, he goes, "You were talking a lot."

I said, "Was it like…" He goes, "Yeah, it was pretty racist. Most of it."

Yeah.

Fuck.

I'm not racist.

But a boy can dream, I guess. I don't know.

It's a dream.

I can't be held responsible for what I dream.

I'm not a good guy in my dreams. I'm not.

Hpw many dreams have you had where you wake up and you're like,

"I think I handled that pretty well in there"?

I've done horrible things in my dreams.

Horrible.

I dreamt once that I peed on a baby.

Yeah. The whole dream. It wasn't like one part.

I was just, the whole night, "Oh God."

"I don't wanna pee on this baby."

"Why am I peeing on this baby?"

"Wait a minute, come back here. Wait, oh, he's crawling."

"Hey! The dream is that I'm peeing on you."

"Wait. All right, step on his foot. There we go."

It was a dream.

Yeah. I wonder what it means.

I asked my therapist. I said,

"What does it mean that I dreamt that I peed on a baby?"

He said, "I don't want you to come here anymore."

- -Yeah.

I get it. I'm sick of this shit myself.

I live in New York, and, um, I don't like it.

But it's too late.

Here's why I don't like it. Because I like nature.

There's no nature here. There's no wildlife, you know?

I've been livin' in New York for 30 years, and I saw a bee one time.

I did see… I saw a bee in 1997

on 38th Street.

And it was… it was dead.

Yeah. Somebody shot a bee.

I love nature.

I love going way out. You ever go way out where it's, like, quiet?

You know? You look at your phone, there's only one bar.

And it's a gay bar, you know, just…

peaceful.

Everything in nature is connected.

Like, I was thinkin' about the sun the other day.

I was thinkin' about the sun,

and I was thinkin' about how vaginas

are like the sun.

Oh my God.

The sun and vaginas have something in common,

which is that they're both…

great, first of all, they're both so good.

-They're so good. -

Like, really, like, vaginas…

Just for a second. Just take a second.

Sh. Just, sh.

Just feel… Just remember.

- -Fu… they're so good.

Yeah.

And the sun is great.

But here's how they're connected.

Because the sun and vaginas

are both the source of life

and joy,

but also,

don't look at it.

Really, seriously, don't look at it.

Just be like, "I know it's right there, I'm very grateful."

But never look right at it.

You'll regret it.

My mom…

What?

-Wait, no. I'm… -

Fucking people. I'm changing the subject.

I'm changing the subject.

Jesus.

My mom

had a really disgusting vagina.

Nah, it was, you know…

I mean…

It was a'ight, you know?

No, my mom used to say things to me,

probably like other mothers would.

My mother would say, "You better eat everything on your plate

because there are children in Africa who are dying of hunger."

Later, I found out that wasn't true.

They were dying of AIDS.

Didn't matter how much I ate.

But also, my mother used to tell me this. You know when a baby's breastfeeding?

Sometimes when a baby breastfeeds,

they bite their mother on the nipple,

and it's very painful.

And my mother told me that I did that to her,

which, of course, I don't remember,

'cause I was drunk.

Obviously, I don't breastfeed from my mother now

because we had her cremated.

That's actually… that's why we had her cremated.

I said, "You guys, we gotta burn her. I can't stop."

Yeah.

That's what I said when my mother died.

My sister called me. She said, "Mom died."

And I said, "Just cook her right now. I'm telling you."

"Or I'm gonna suck her tits for the rest of my life."

I said, "You know me."

My sister said, "I got it." She lit her on fire right there.

You're not supposed to just burn your mom.

But there's no penalty. They just come over.

They go, "You shouldn't have done that."

Anyway. I miss my mom. I do.

I don't miss my dad.

I don't miss my dad.

'Cause he's not dead.

Anyway, he wasn't a good dad. He wasn't. My dad was not a good father.

He was, uh… You know, he didn't

He didn't wanna do it. He just didn't feel like it.

He was like, "Nah. Uh-uh."

So he didn't.

But he did one good thing for me, and I appreciate that.

That's… The way I look at life is,

is if somebody does one good thing for me, I keep that.

Anything else they did, I can… I can let that go.

And my dad did one good thing for me as a father,

which is that he never fucked me.

It's true. He never did.

And that's a huge contribution to my life.

Not being fucked by your dad is a massive advantage.

So I gotta give him that. He never fucked me.

I mean, he's still alive, so…

he didn't fuck me yet .

He could literally…

Technically, he could still.

But at this point, you know,

it wouldn't be that bad.

You know what I mean? When I was a kid, it would have been devastating.

But I'm 58. I could… I could handle it.

I don't want him to.

I don't. I really don't.

But if he did, I don't know.

I wouldn't… I wouldn't even cancel a show, I don't think.

Yeah, my dad is 89 now. i don't know.

- -

Is that funny 'cause now you picture him fuckin' me?

It was like, a little…

It's funnier now, right?

'Cause he's little and old and stuff?

He's just kind of…

Uh…