Psychoville

Cashier number three, please.

He's left his candle.

Oh, bollocks.

- Here's a letter for you. - Oh, thanks.

Mr Lomax, it's Michael Fry.

Social services sent me.

Hello?

Hello!

Mr Lomax!

Hello?

Get your claw out of my holy of holies.

Nice big push for me, Anna.

Come on now.

Nice big push.

Breathe.

And I'll pause it there.

Ah, some of the dads are looking a little bit green around the gills.

I actually prefer this video.

Because unlike some of the others, it shows the sheer bloody pain of it.

And as I always say,

"You've got to split the pod to get the peas out."

I won't be showing you the rest of this now.

There are copies available both on video and DBB.

"X" certificate.

But I would ask you not to fast forward through the contractions, please.

Because after all, you can't do that in real life.

So anyway, after hours and hours

and hours of screaming agony,

this is what you get.

Here he is.

This is Freddy.

How'd you know it was a boy?

Because he's my little Freddy and that's what I wanted.

So,

when you go to pick up baby,

it is most important that you support the head like thus

and cradle him into the crook of your arm,

being very careful with the top of his head.

Because this area here is what we call "soft spot".

- The fontanelle. - What's that, Miriam?

My name's Kate.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Dr Miriam Stoppard.

So, if you'd all like to help yourself to a dolly from the baby box?

Dad, would you like to hand them out?

And then we can take it in turns holding the baby

and practise putting on one of these new-fangled modern nappies.

We've, uh, run out.

Use this one.

Oh, no! Don't touch him!

- I'm bleeding? - He might have brain damage.

What did I just tell you about supporting the head?

Poor little mite. Here. Come on, Freddy, there, there.

It's only a doll.

Not for much longer. Not for much longer.

Hello there. Do you need a hand?

Are you trying to be funny?

Uh...

I can manage. Thank you.

Trevor, Mr Jolly's here.

- Jelly. - What?

Jelly. I'm MrJelly.

- Totally different act. - Oh.

Wanted him, didn't you? Mr Jolly.

This is always happening to me. Why can't people read?

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

You're still a children's entertainer, aren't you?

Oh, I know. I'm Dr Harold Shipman.

Of course I'm a fucking children's entertainer.

What do you think this is, a tattoo?

Well, we were hoping for a Princess Party. Is that something...

I've got one act and one act only. "MrJelly and his 100 Hands."

Not actually 100, there's 16. All in that bag.

Kids never count them. They're all too thick.

I do balloons, magic, bubbles, stories.

Princess stories?

Can do, if the princess has got hooks instead of hands.

I'll need a sturdy table, pair of pliers, and WD-40.

That sounds a little bit dangerous around the children.

Well, I'm not spraying it on them, am I?

I'm spraying it on these.

You don't get that with Mr Jolly.

Thank you.

Where am I going?

Shit, you made me jump, man.

They sent me to read to you or something.

I'll be the judge of that.

I know all about you, Michael Fry.

Little tealeaf, aren't you?

What was it? You get caught with your fingers in the pick and mix?

Something like that.

So it was either this or digging up roads, was it?

You're not daft, are you?

- Well, I got caught, so... - Here.

Have a plum.

No, you're all right, thanks.

- I bet they're off now, aren't they? - Yeah, a little bit.

Thought they tasted a bit sharp.

- Bin still here, is it? - No, it's...

I'll do it.

It's that blackie cleaner, she tries to trick me.

Can't make head nor tail of her.

Did they tell you what your duties are?

They said I had to read to you, do your paperwork.

And the rest.

- Do you like Tony Hancock? - I don't know who he is, bruv.

Good. That's what I told 'em.

I don't want his name mentioned in this house again.

Not after what he did to Sid James.

Sit down.

There's some letters here, you want me to read 'em?

Is there anything from NASA?

Um... No. Natwest?

Damn, they won't be told!

How many lives must they gamble with before they listen?

Go on then, how much have I got?

"Two million, five hundred and seventy-six thousand,"

"three hundred and nineteen pounds."

- Pence? - "Four."

Good.

Lot of money, isn't it, Tealeaf?

I bet you're wondering how I came by it.

Let's just say I deal in certain...

...commodities.

Very valuable commodities.

You're not going to ask me what commodities?

What commodities?

I'm not telling you! None of your business.

Read the next one.

Oh.

It's a Father's Day card.

Bin it! In with the plums! Next!

There's a funny-looking one here with some black stuff at the back.

Looks like someone might have died.

Shakin'!

Go on, then, open it. Who is it? What does it say?

The writing's just bumps.

Here, let me see, let me see.

What is it?

It's them.

And the fairy sent down some wishes for the princess.

There we go. Look, you can catch your lot.

See if you can catch a fairy wish.

Now then,

let's have another look in MrJelly's Box of 100 Hands.

- It's not 100. - Oh, yeah? How many is in it?

- Eleven. - No, 16. Just stop fucking spoiling it.

Right then. I've got a special hand here for a special person.

Hold your breaths.

Now then.

Where's the birthday princess?

Come on, don't be ashamed.

That's it. Sit here.

We're gonna give you a princess makeover.

Get rid of that.

And we're gonna start by combing your hair.

Did you know that a princess has to comb her hair 50 times every night?

Yours is all knotted. Does your mommy not wash your hair?

- Ow, you're hurting me. - No, I'm not.

Right, stop hopping about.

I'm gonna do your make up for you now,

and you have to keep still for me.

I did this on one little girl.

It turned out that she was allergic

and her eye came up like a red egg.

You wouldn't want that on your birthday, would you?

All right, then.

That's it. Keep still!

- All right, that's enough. - What about the mascara?

- I'd like you to leave now, please. - What's the matter?

She doesn't like it.

Oh, so you're discriminating against me because I'm disabled.

That's nice, isn't it? In a room full of kids.

What message are you sending to them?

- Trevor, call Mr Jolly. - Oh, yes, Trevor, call Mr Jolly.

Everyone loves Mr Jolly.

Mr Jolly will make everything all right. Mr Jolly!

Well, shall I tell you something about your precious Mr Jolly?

Do you want to know a secret, kids?

Mr Jolly was responsible for this.

Where do I start? Where do I start?

Don't you shove me!

I still want paying!

Here you are. Cash in hand.

You said it was down here.

Could we be any further from the stage?

- Oh, here we go, we're in here. - All in here?

Yeah, all seven of us. Cheap bastards.

Great. No privacy for me, then.

Look how high that mirror is, that's handy.

- Oh, bloody hell! - And the costume rail,

that's a chair job.

Oh, it stinks in here.

- It's gonna stink even more in a minute. - Why?

Come on, crack open those tinnies. Let's start as we mean to go on.

Lovely.

- Hiya, Robert. - Hi, Kerry.

Here he is. Last of the red hot lovers.

I've got the post. A few good luck cards.

- Has anyone seen Debbie? - Here we go.

She's got some post. I'll just go and give it to her.