Troll

I've never seen so many guys take so long

to move so little furniture.

It's all your records, honey.

You've gotta get rid of some of those old records.

I love those old albums. I listen to 'em all the time.

All 3,000 of 'em? Here, take this, sweetie.

You guys take care of the boxes. I'll go get some dinner.

I saw a ratburger joint around the corner.

- Oh, neat. - Gross!

I wish you wouldn't call them ratburgers in front of the kids.

All right.

I'll take care of this.

Why don't you go play with your sister.

Oh, Mom. She's a pain in the a...

OK. Don't play with your sister. Just hold the fort, OK?

- And keep an eye on your sister. - I'd rather watch Star Trek.

Phasers on "dull".

Pease porridge hot. Pease porridge cold.

Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old.

Pease porridge hot. Pease porridge cold.

Pease porridge in the pot...

Argh!

Wendy!

Wendy, where are you?

Pease porridge hot. Pease porridge cold.

Pease porridge in...

Wendy?

- Wendy? - Huh?

Wendy, are you down there?

Wendy Anne, don't fool around.

Are you in here?

Have you been playing with dead cats?

Okay. Okay, Wendy.

Keep hiding.

I'm gonna tell Dad and you're really gonna be in a lot of trouble.

- I got you! - Did not.

- Did, too. - Mom and Dad'll be really pissed

when they find out you've been hiding.

I got you! I got you!

I got you!

- Where'd you get that, honey? - I found it.

- Where? - Somewhere.

- Pretty. - Here we go.

I want the works.

You keep acting the way you have done,

I'll give you the works.

- What's that? - It's the works.

- But what's in it? - Just eat it, honey. It's good for ya.

- But what's in it? - Good stuff, honey.

What a pig!

Harry, have you been letting her read your monster magazines?

- More works. - More works what?

More works now.

Hey, bring back those ratburgers.

The creep pulled the fire alarm to keep me from the ratburgers.

Ow!

Wendy? Oh!

- Hello. - Sorry.

- Are those creatures yours? - Yes, sir. I'm afraid they are.

Here, let me help you up. My name is Harry Potter...

I'm Peter Dickinson. I live upstairs.

- Ratburger! Ratburger! - Wendy! Harry!

- Kids! - Honey, they went that way.

That way. You're a big help.

Grrrrr!

- Wendy Anne! Sweetie? - Rrrrrr!

Ratburgers! Haaaaaa!

Harry Jr!

- Is she rabid? - She's excitable. She's... Kids!

That's Anne, my wife, and the little ones.

You have the distinction of owning

the only two children in this entire building.

We don't own 'em. We just rent.

Let me give it to you straight, Harry boy.

You see, I am a single, unattached guy.

And I live upstairs, right above you. Now, I'm into swinging.

Children having pillow fights at all hours while I'm trying to score

may cause a few strikeouts, you get me, Harry boy?

- Yes, sir. - Good!

Uh, Mr. Dickinson?

- Wrong apartment. - Shit!

Hello.

How are you doin'?

We just moved in.

- Just move in? - Ow!

- What the hell is going on out there? - She tried to bite me.

- The kids, they're a little upset. - Got any kids?

- Hey, can you take those off? - Huh?

- Can you take these off? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fire!

- It's a false alarm. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lieutenant Barry Taybor. US Marines. Retired now.

- Insurance is my battleground now. - My name's Harry Potter.

- Nice to meet you, Porter. - Potter. I review books.

- What? - I review books...

Oh, man! I never read 'em. Owned and operated by liberal scum.

They knock our president every chance they get.

Leave us wide open for the communist menace,

if know what I mean.

- I did do a little bit of ROTC. - All right! High five.

- High five. - Both hands.

Hey, Duke. Is this a false alarm or the real thing?

Duke? Who's Duke?

That's me. A lot of people think I look like John Wayne.

It's a false alarm. At ease, kids. I'll tell you this much.

Fire department's really gonna be PO'd.

I wish somebody would fix that fire alarm.

It goes off all the time.

One time we came back real late. We were a little drunk.

- The thing went off by itself. - I remember that.

Wait a minute here, pal.

I thought you told me it was the creep upstairs that did it, huh?

- It was. - It was.

Yeah? OK.

OK, this is Jeanette. Bill, this is Harry Plotter.

- Oh, hi. - No. Potter.

- Hi. William. - I'm Jeanette Cooper. Did you lose this?

- Oh, that's their dinner. - Ah!

Ratburgers!

- Honey... - Grrr!

- That΄s my daughter. - All right! Spirited kid. I like that.

- Hey, give me my ratburger. - Ratburger?

I'm gonna tea...

Hi.

This is my wife.

- Have you met Malcolm? - Who's Malcolm?

- He's an egghead. - A professor of English.

You'd probably get along with him, though.

- See, he reads newspapers. - Sometimes even books.

- Books? Wow! - He's a scholar.

Who set off the goddamn fire alarm?

- Oh, hi, Miss St. Clair. - Evening, ma'am.

Ma'am, I'm sorry. I think maybe my kids did that.

Oh, you think so, eh?

Somebody ought to tell that hook and ladder truck

outside my window that it's a false alarm.

I guess it might as well be me.

It's, uh... nice to meet you, Miss St. Clair.

Well, I...

Ah!

Well, so long.

- Grrr! - Wendy, don't throw that. Honey.

You don't throw things, honey. Listen, no...

What the hell is going on here? Wendy, those are important papers.

Sh.

You gotta calm down, sweetie. It's Daddy.

Ow!

- Wendy, cut that out. - Aargh!

Wendy, it's Daddy. It΄s Daddy.

I'm Godzilla!

- You little stinker. - Raaa!

- No more monster magazines, Harry Jr. - You scared Mommy and Daddy so much.

Where did you learn to growl like that, hm?

Stop that. You'll ruin your appetite.

- Never ruined my appetite before. - Would you stop that?

Honey...

Good morning, sweetie. You slept late.

You almost have the whole place fixed up.

You guys stay up all night?

- No. The apartment fairies did it all. - Not funny, Dad.

- Where's your sister? - She's still sleeping.

Pah pah pah pah! Yeah!

Well, babe. Was it what you expected?

- Unfortunately. - What?

Uh...

It was beyond what I expected.

- Feel like breakfast? - Sure.

There's some pancake mix in the kitchen.

Why don't you cook us up some?

Why don't you... go jump in a lake?

Good morning, sweetie.

Would you like some fresh orange juice?

There's some in the kitchen for you.

- I΄m worried about that child. - Does she look feverish?

No. She΄s not. I checked. Her temperature's fine.

Well, if she doesn't start acting more like herself,

tomorrow I'll take her to the doctor. I don΄t know what else to do.

- Oh, no. - What?

Look at this.

One less.

Cold.

Are you all right? Maybe you should go back to bed.

- Kids, what's going on in there? - Uh, I just tripped.

Couldn't get enough of me, huh, babe?

Hello.

Well, just make yourself at home.

Look, kid, I don't have any candy

and I don't play with toys.

C΄mon, kid, it's Saturday. I've got my whole day planned.

So why don't you just beat it? This isn't a playground.

Hee-hee.

I don't play hide-and-go-seek either.

Now, look. Enough is enough.

Now I got ya.

Holy shit.

No! Argh!

Argh! No!

Argh! No! Argh!

Oh.

Mm.