Up the Down Staircase

Make way for the lady, man.

- Hey, lady, watch it. - How about that?

- Try the other door, Teach. - Hey, try the windows, Teach.

- Maybe this door, Teach. - Try "Open Sesame."

- Hey, go ahead, Teach. - Try everything.

All right, how do we get in?

Can't get in till somebody comes out.

Yeah, like a toilet, baby.

- Hey! The door. - Yeah!

New students report to 121,

old students to 123,

transfer students, 127.

New students report to 121,

old students to 123,

transfer students, 127.

New students report to 121,

old students to 123,

transfer students, 127.

Disregard all bells.

Disregard all bells.

Keep all circulars in alphabetical order.

Keep all directives in numerical order.

File before 3:00.

Delaney cards and absentee plans,

teaching, students... Program cards from yellow...

From master program, card blue,

- teachers program card... - Excuse me. Morning.

Morning, Miss Finch. It asks here how many basketballs I need.

- Do you have your key? - Key.

- What's your room number? - 322.

Keys, keys, pick up your keys. Sign for your keys.

Teachers must not punch each other in.

Teachers must keep their letter boxes empty at all times.

All cases of assault and attempted assault suffered by teachers

in connection with their employment must be reported at once.

Disregard the bell.

You're Miss Barrett?

And I'm Ella Friedenberg, Guidance Counselor.

You'll receive a directive on it, of course,

but with new teachers I like to warn them personally

to watch for latent maladjustments

and send them to me on alternate Tuesdays for depth coverage.

Teachers only.

But I... I am a teacher.

Miss Barrett, do you realize you're going up the down staircase?

I'm sorry, Dr. Bester...

Dr. Bester!

Dr. Bester, what do I want with basketballs?

Hey, that's the teach that we saw this morning.

Oh, that's right. Ain't she cute, man?

She's gotta be my teacher.

- Hope so, man. - Please, she gotta be my teach.

Shades up there. Windows down four inches from the top.

Mr. McHabe,

I could only find one piece of chalk.

- Our supplies are running low. - On the first day?

Rubber bands, desk blotters, board erasers and paper clips are expected next week.

We have blue pencils, no red.

You mean that I can have basketballs but no chalk?

Well, what do you want with basketballs, Miss Barrett?

They asked me to fill out this requisition.

Well, it was obviously meant for the Phys. Ed. Teacher.

Shades up there. Windows down four inches from the top.

Mr. McHabe...

There he is.

Good morning, Mr. Barringer.

I'm Alice Blake. I had you last term in English.

You mean you were in my class.

This is my friend, Carole Blanca. She had you, too.

I would have said your name was Carmelita.

I changed it over the summer.

We wish to express our gratitude

for the way you gave so unstingily of yourself to us.

Well, I'm glad I taught you to express yourself so... So well.

Mr. Barringer, I wanted to be in your class,

but they put me in Miss Barrett's.

And I don't even know Miss Barrett,

and I thought maybe I could switch.

Why would you want to switch?

Think of the poetic heritage of the name "Barrett."

Remember, Alice, it was a Miss Barrett who wrote,

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

Now, someone once said that first impressions...

Please don't block the doorway.

Please come in.

Hey, Lou, no wonder, she's a dame. I got a dame for homeroom.

Why do I always get stuck with dames?

You want I should slug him, Teach?

Boys!

Please sit down. Yes, it is. Please, sit down. Sit.

Take your seats, please. Everybody. Yes.

I'm sorry. What?

Would you please tell me what room this is?

Yes. This is room 322. My name is on the blackboard. Miss Barrett.

I will have you in homeroom all term,

and I hope to see some of you in my English class.

- English. - Now, someone once said

that first impressions are very important.

Miss Barrett, you want me to get the stuff from your mailbox?

Yes, all right. That would be nice. Thank you very much.

- Someone once said that first... - Can I fetch a drink of water?

- Are you a regular or a substitute? - Is this 322?

Yes. You're late.

I'm not late. I'm absent.

Class, please.

- You are? - I was absent all last term.

- Well... Why don't you sit down? - I can't sit down.

I'm dropping out.

You're supposed to sign my book clearance from last term.

Hey, there's glass all over my desk from this broken window.

I know. Just don't touch the broken glass, and don't touch the broken window.

It should be reported to the janitor.

Custodian! Custodian. This is a very classy school.

- I'll go. Let me go. - Does anybody know where the janitor is?

I'll go, Teach.

- I'm going. - Let me go, man.

Class, please.

I'm afraid there won't be time for the discussion that I had planned

on first impressions.

I am passing out...

- She's passing out! - Give her air.

Fresh air.

I am passing out Delaney cards,

and I would like you to fill them out as quickly as possible

while I take attendance.

- Sorry I'm late. I was in the Late Room. - What is the Late Room?

The Late Room. Where they make you sit

to make up for your latenesses when you're late.

Otherwise I would have been on time.

For parents' name, can I use my aunt?

Yes, if you...

Yes, of course you may.

- Amdur, Janet. - Present.

- You, young man, why are you late? - I'm not even here.

I'm with Mr. Loomis.

My uncle's in this class, and he forgot his lunch.

- Hey, Tony! Catch. - Please don't throw...

- Are you hurt? - Just my head.

Hey, you gotta make out an accident report,

three copies and send it in to the nurse.

Perhaps... Perhaps you had better go to the nurse

and ask for accident report blanks.

- Apolikanos, Michael. - Yeah.

- Blake, Alice. - I'm present, Miss Barrett.

Janitor says nobody's down there.

How can he say there's no one down there when he's down there?

Yes? Can I help you?

The stuff from your letter-box. You sent me.

Yes, but I took it all out when I punched in...

You're supposed to read this to the class. It's from the library.

Thank you. You may sit down now.

"Library. Attention class.

- "The school library is your library..." - You're supposed to read this first.

- Change of assembly schedule. - Thank you.

"Change in assembly schedule.

"All X-2 sections are to report to assembly

"the second half of the second period.

"Tomorrow, all Y-2..." Class, please.

Class, "Tomorrow all Y-two sections will follow today's program"

"for X-two sections, while all X-two sections"

"will follow today's program for Y-two sections."

Do we go to assembly today?

Blanca, Carmelita.

That's Carole. I changed it over the summer.

Miss Barrett, Miss Barrett, you forgot to appoint an early dismissal monitor.

All right, all right. I appoint you early dismissal monitor.

- Class dismissed! - Class, we have to finish.

Class, I want you all back in your seats. Class, please.

Sit down. Sit down. We have to finish. Class, please, sit down.

- Class... - Disregard all bells.

Repeat. Disregard all bells.

This boy's late and on probation.

Where's your class, Miss Barrett?

I'm afraid that they have all gone.

You're off to a good start.

Now, listen, since I'm only readmitting you on probation,

I guess you know that I know that you're no prize.

One false step... Suspension.

Your name, please?

Won't you tell me your name?

You've got it there.

There are 40 pupils in my homeroom.

Call the roll.

All right.

Let's see, where did I leave off?

Davidson?

Dubinski, Ehrlick, Gloria.

Well, surely you're not Gloria Ehrlick, are you?

Escalera? Esposite? Essner?

Really, it would be so much simpler if you would just tell me your name.

Evans?

- Farber, Farreli, Ferone... - Present.

Joseph Ferone. Do they call you Joe?

I see you're to be in my English class as well.

Tell me, do you like English?

Well.

I think there's time for you to fill out a Delaney card now.

If you will just fill in the blanks, please.

I don't know why they call it a Delaney card.

Maybe because a man named Delaney thought it up.