Glee

Here's what you missed last season on Glee.

Quinn had a baby. Finn and Rachel are in love.

Sue's going easy on Will. Even though the Glee Club worked really hard...

- to get to regionals, they didn't win. - Vocal Adrenaline!

But it's okay to not win an award, particularly when you had so much fun getting there.

- Right? Right? - We didn't even place.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

- - Up here. Come on. Focus.

Okay. Hi, I'm Jacob Ben Israel, with Glee's Big Gay Summer...

with all the Glee Club dish you're dying to know.

Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?

Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that. We've been dating all summer.

Rachel's what you'd call a "controlist."

I-I-I'm controlling. "Controlist" isn't a word. Oh.

I'm controlling. Performing is my life.

And, yes, do I have opinions about it?

Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?

Yes. Yeah.

That was out loud, wasn't it?

Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog...

saying your Glee Club song selections...

sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?

Well, I try to do something for everybody.

Uh, 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock...

100% gay.

Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray,

you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.

It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.

Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression...

because you're not over Miss Fabray?

How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?

Well, I'm happy to be back, and I'm ready to start fresh.

And I'm a lot less hormonal,

so... so there's not really any crying.

- How was your summer? - My eyes are up here, Jewfro.

- And it was uneventful. - People thought I went on vacation,

but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

What can you say about the rumors the two of you are dating?

Because we're both Asian? That's racist. Totally racist.

Oh.

Did you get that? You saw it here first.

Did you know there's a forum on my blog that's begging you to stop rapping?

Wait. The kids don't like it when I rap?

- When will you Glee Clubbers accept the fact- - Not now.

- That people hate you and think you're nothing... - I'm busy.

- But a glorified karaoke club... - Go away.

Designed to make the inventors of Auto-Tune millions of dollars?

When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Lands' End?

When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?

How do you get the white on rice?

What did you do with all that breast milk?

You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage...

for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers...

and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it?

But you know what does take some courage?

Standing up and singing about something.

So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog.

Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online,

say what you have to say to my face.

Welcome back, lady!

Whoo!

I don't suppose there's any way you could just cut out that last part, is there?

Hey. Why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee?

Or are you worried no one's signing up for your club?

Not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year.

That list is gonna be filled up in no time.

You know what your problem is? "No tryouts. Just sign up!"

Nobody wants to be a part of a club that just anyone can join.

See this? It's a court summons... child endangerment.

There's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July.

I guess they lost their humanity a little bit.

One girl ate a pigeon.

Several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their lord.

That's how much they want to be Cheerios.

Sorry, Sue. Anyone who wants to join Glee Club... gets to join.

Oh, God, Will. Let me break it down for you.

High school's a dry run for the rest of your life.

Not everyone can be champions. Not everyone should be champions.

We need fry cooks, bus drivers...

Well, Sue, it's how I work, and it's not gonna change.

I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun.

You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy.

You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it...

all by yourself.

- - Oop. It's time to feed my gimp.

Oh, and also, Figgins wants to see us.

Ah, ah, ah! Not you! Hands off that list.

Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget...

without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve!

It's in my contract!

Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.

You think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

We're barely surviving on the budget we have.

Slashing the Glee budget by 10%,

cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.

Sacrifices must be made.

This is being mandated at the district level, guys.

Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations...

is through a successful athletic department...

specifically, a winning football team.

Who's this?

I'm Shannon Beiste. I'm the new football coach.

Spelled B-E-l-S-T-E. It's French.

I'm sorry. What happened to Ken Tanaka?

Nervous breakdown.

Don't look at it as a punishment.

Look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures.

The more money the football program brings in,

the more I can give back to you guys!

Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive...

all-Missouri high school football championship.

- We're very lucky to have her! - What can I say? I like a challenge.

First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse...

sin against nature.

Number two:

I'm sure you're used to hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you...

as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles.

But you're in my house now, Beiste.

No one comes into my house and steals from me.

Do not get up in the Panther's business, lady.

You're all coffee and no omelet.

- That doesn't make any sense. - Coach, uh, Beiste,

I... I think you understand our frustration.

- Our budgets just got cut by 10%. - It should have been more!

You think there's not something wrong when the cheerleaders' budget's...

higher than the people who they're cheering for?

- Well, sure, but the Glee Club is a... - The Glee Club?

You came in third last year and you're asking for more money?

That's a steer with six teats and no oink.

That doesn't make any sense. What?

These are comments from Jacob Ben Israel's...

most recent Glee Club blog.

"Glee is a giant ball of suck."

We get it, Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us.

So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain.

Only difference now is that none of us really care.

Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want.

- None of it is gonna break us. - I'm happy that you guys have bonded.

The problem is that all of this negative stuff...

is keeping other students from auditioning.

Good. Why do we need new members?

Well, since Matt transferred, we only have 11 members.

If we want to go to nationals... if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline...

we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.

Yeah. Mr. Schuester's right, you guys.

You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at regionals. They were epic.

We're gonna need more voices in order to beat them.

Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.

Gross.

You're gonna have to trust me on this, guys.

Now, here's the plan.

Nationals are in New York this year.

And we are going!

Now let's go out there...

and show the school how cool it's gonna be, how cool we can be.

If they're not gonna come to us, let's go to them.

They say we only sing show tunes and '80s pop.

Let's show them how down we are.

Let's give 'em the song of the year,

New Directions style. Okay!

Whoo!

Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, buddy. You look steamed.

Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about.

And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet.

"Buttface McBallnuts." "Ass-braham Lin-colon."