Neptune's Daughter

I'd like to tell you a story about a guy, a girl and a bathing suit.

I saw her at every swimming meet the city ever had. Just like this one.

She was always lined up with a group of other girls...

She stood out like a swan in a bunch of mud hens.

I saw the starter take his place and call, "Swimmers up."

She hit the water and cut through it like a million-dollar yacht.

At the turn, it was neck and neck...

...but she soon pulled away, away out in front.

And that's where she belonged, out in front.

Well, she walked to her dressing room on air.

And I went right after her.

Well, she knew me and knew what I wanted...

...but the answer was still no.

I tried to convince her we could go places together, but she wasn't interested.

She didn't wanna go any place but home.

She lived in a little apartment near the college with all her trophies and her sister...

...a scatterbrained little chick who had a lot to offer...

...but couldn't seem to get anyone to take it.

I kept telling her the swimsuit business was crying for us.

With my ideas and her face and figure, we'd be a cinch.

She seemed interested, but was worried about her amateur standing.

But I felt if I kept after her, I'd make her realize...

...there comes a time in every woman's life when she has to turn professional.

We started on a shoestring. She was clever.

She designed and modeled her own suits.

They were new, different.

A little gag here, a little trick there.

And did they sell! Say, she could sell anything.

The orders kept coming in and pilling up...

...and we shipped them out as fast as we could fill them.

Before you knew it, we were in big business.

-So what? -So what?

Everybody and his brother will be there.

Not to mention LIFE and Look and the news services.

Sorry, I don't play polo.

Neither will the players when they get a load of you parading around the pool...

...in that swimming spectacle you're gonna stage.

-I'm going to stage? -A tribute to our South American neighbors.

You're a good neighbor, aren't you?

Sounds like great publicity.

What about the club? They're pretty conservative.

-I wonder if they'll go for it. -They'll go for it.

As soon as you sell Mr. Cantord, the club president.

Me? Oh, now, just a minute, Joe. You're the barker of this outfit.

I'm just the trained seal.

You balance this ball on that pretty nose of yours...

...and we'll both take a big, fat bow.

-Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go. -Go where?

To Middlebrook, to meet the South American polo team.

Oh, Betty, get that gleam out of your eye. You're not going.

Oh, Evie, this is my chance to meet a romantic Latin.

And a polo player is what I've always wanted.

Yes, last year, it was a football player you always wanted.

-The year before that, it was a cowboy. -Well, l'm flexible.

You're too flexible.

Well, this time, it's the real thing. This time it's love.

Love. Oh, Betty.

Evie, you might as well face it. I'm madly in love.

-With whom? -The South American polo team.

Betty, dear, you've got to stop throwing yourseIf at men.

-You're only going to get hurt. -Not if my aim is good.

Besides, what's wrong with a woman chasing a man?

Well, it just isn't done.

Men are men and women are women, and, well, that's just the way it is.

Well, I don't wanna change it, I just wanna get in on it.

If I don't stop dreaming of orange blossoms...

...l'm gonna have to sleep with a smudge pot at the foot of my bed.

-Are you hurt? -No, not too bad. Just got my shoulder.

We've got a great masseur at the club. Fix you up in no time.

Hey, Julio! Call Jack Spratt, the masseur.

Who will be the lucky winner on tonight's Stroke of Fortune...

...the quiz show to end all quiz shows?

You don't have to guess anything, you don't have to say anything...

...and you don't have to know anything.

If you're lucky and have a telephone and can answer our call...

...you will receive $1000 and other valuable prizes...

...if you're lucky and have a telephone.

And now, the wheel is turning.

While we're waiting for the winning number, the orchestra plays.

Excuse, please, Señor, you make with the massage?

-Not now. Come back later. -But, Señor--

You want me to lose a thousand dollars?

This is an important program. They give away prizes.

Last week there was an old maid in Pomona...

...she won a 32-room house, a four-door sedan...

...a live-bait barge and a two weeks vacation...

...in a Tibet monastery, with all expenses paid.

Oh, but, Señor, you better come with me. Señor O'Rourke, she hurt his arm.

Her did? Señor O'Rourke, you mean the captain of the polo team?

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

I wouldn't have won anything anyhow. I listen to these quiz programs all the time.

of course, they never call me. They-- Sort of a waste of time.

Sometimes those quiz programs are not on the level.

Stop the music, stop the music!

-Long distance is ringing the winner. -Probably some phony name.

-Mr. Jack Spratt of Clayport, California. -Jack Spratt!

Whoever heard of anyone named Jack Spra--?

That's me! They're ringing me!

-No answer yet? -It's locked.

-Keep trying, operator. -Oh, the key, the key.

-Don't stop ringing! -You'd better hurry up, Mr. Spratt.

-Well, I can't find my key! -This is your last chance.

Oh, no, no, no!

Mr. Spratt doesn't answer?

Well, never mind, operator.

But Mr. Spratt will receive our consolation prize...

...of five crisp, new $1 bills.

Five dollars? Five dollars.

You'll never know what I went through to get all those phones.

Night after night in those phone booths.

I paid $30 for that radio, a fortune in box tops.

Wore out two pair of pants just sitting.

I lose half of my customers, and what happens?

They call me and I can't even get in, all on account of a little key.

A little key no bigger than--

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, mister.

-Where will I find the polo players? -Oh, they are out on the polo field, I think.

Well, how do I get there?

Well, you go down this road until you come to a--

No, no, you go down this road until you come to a tree...

...and then you turn to the--

No, no. You go down this road until you come....

Gee, I don't think you can get there from here.

Well, aren't there any polo players around here?

El capitan José O'Rourke is in the tack room, I think.

Well, how do I get to the tack room?

Well, you go down this road until you come to-- No, no, no.

-You go down this road until you come to-- -Oh, here we go again. Never mind.

Great country, South America.

You know, I've always wanted to meet one of those black-eyed Señoritas.

The Señoritas right here look muy bonitas to me.

Yeah, well, they may look that way to you...

...but whenever I meet them, they're always face-down on a table.

They only come to me to get them in shape for some other guy.

-Can you keep a secret? -Sure.

Well, I wouldn't like this noised around, but I've never had a girl.

-No. -See, my mother was very strict.

-Didn't have my first date till I was 24. -Your mother wouldn't let you go out...

-...with members of the opposite sex? -Yeah, but she wouldn't tell me...

...which ones was the opposite sex.

-I'll bet you've had plenty of girls. -Too many.

Believe me, horses are more dependable.

of course, one cannot make love to a horse.

No, unless one happens to be another horse.

of course, I don't have much choice myseIf.

You see, women don't like me, and, well, I don't like horses, so....

Well, amigo, maybe your approach is wrong.

Now, what is the first thing you do when you get a woman in your arms?

Well, I give her a salt rub.

Oh, no, no, I'm talking about love.

The first thing you do is kiss her.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Oh, don't tell me you have never kissed a woman.

Well, have you ever held a woman in your arms?

Have you ever held a woman's hand?

Well, have you ever--?

Oh, amigo, you are in bad shape, aren't you?

-I don't know. -But I will show you what to do.

First, you have a beautiful woman in your arms.

You hold her tenderly. Oh, she's gorgeous and she's all yours.

-She is? -Oh, yes.

-Would you mind if I held her for a while? -Of course. Here, you take her.

You know, she's heavier than I thought.

Now, you must say to her:

-Why do l have to speak Spanish? -Because it's a language of love.

-Women can't resist it. -They can't?

Now, hold her tight. No, tighter. Still tighter. Tighter.

-She's kind of big. -All right, kiss her.

No, not like a baby, like a man.

Oh, amigo, I like you.

And you have made my arm as good as new. Well, hasta la vista.

Oh, in your language, that means "adios, amigo."

Gee, he sure looks romantic in that Groucho costume.

Gosh, anybody could get a girl if he looked like that.

What a guy.

Señor O'Rourke.

Speak to me, say something.

Oh, gee, he's unconscious. What'll I do now?

Oh, no, I gotta give him a chance to defend himseIf.

Oh, Señor O'Rourke, I didn't know you were behind that door, honest.

l wouldn't hurt a polo player for anything, especially a South American polo player.

My name is Betty Barrett.

I hope you don't think I'm bold for breaking in like this.

Gee, you're handsome. Do you think I'm pretty?

You don't have to answer that now.

I live at the Savoy Apartments and if you're ever in the neighborhood...

...you might drop in sometime. Tonight.

Oh, Señor O'Rourke!

-Is this all right, Miss Betty? -Oh, yes, but they like it hot.

There, that's better.

Are you sure my sister's not gonna be home this evening?

-Yes, I'm sure. -Oh, I sure hope so.

No, I guess it'd be too obvious if I sat on his lap.

-Will there be anything else, Miss Betty? -I wish to be alone tonight, Matilda.

You may go.

Come in.

-Oh, José, what a surprise! -I am delightful.

What a beautiful--