Have I Got News for You

I wanted to start by saying, it's such an honour to be on a panel,

because, like, to my left is a man who was, like, my absolute hero

when I was growing up. Like, he was sort of my generation.

Had posters of him all over my wall.

- Erm... - You mean Michael? - Yeah.

MY Secretary of State for Education.

That's my GOAT.

I'm delighted that I played such a joyous part in contributing

to Chloe's future success.

I can't read.

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening. Welcome to have I Got News for You.

I'm David Tennant.

In the news this week, at Buckingham Palace, the King prepares

for his weekly meeting with Keir Starmer.

In Washington, in the middle of a speech on valuable alliances,

Donald Trump spots Emmanuel Macron turning up late.

And Derek Hargreaves, from Yeovil, regrets not taking it easy

following his haemorrhoid surgery.

Oh...!

On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who can currently be seen

on a show called The Way Out,

which is all about being stuck in a room and trying to find

the quickest way to escape.

Much like being a member of Keir Starmer's cabinet.

Please welcome Chloe Petts.

On Paul's team tonight, a leading Conservative politician

who was twice the Minister for Levelling Up.

Not sure how effective he was.

But, to be fair, he has overseen the rise of one youngster

from a humble Scottish fishing community all the way to the peerage

in the House of Lords.

Please welcome Baron Michael Gove of Torry.

We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.

- Paul and Michael, here's yours. - Yes.

OK, well, that's the World Cup trophy that's been presented

to Donald Trump there.

That's Scotland.

They're the winners of the World Cup,

and they're on their way to the ceremonial camper van.

That's Trump's cabinet.

And that is a...

Well, it's a shower, but not golden.

Yes.

- Which, of course, the World Cup was. - Yes.

We seem to have found a special subject early, Michael.

Yes, indeed. It's the news that Scotland's campaign

for World Cup glory kicks off next week.

Who are Scotland up against?

- Haiti. - Yes.

- Brazil. - Yes.

Morocco.

Well done, Michael! Yes.

That applause must be a welcome sound, Michael.

What is it? I've never heard it before.

Scotland's game against Brazil is in Miami.

Local stores are preparing for the Tartan Army by stocking up

on beer, snacks,

and factor 1,000 sun cream.

Both England AND Scotland have qualified.

It's now been 60 years of hurt, Chloe.

Is this finally the year football comes home?

Well, it came home for the women, lest we forget.

Yes.

I think it could be coming home.

But Trump will probably stop it at the borders, if we're honest.

But I'm just... I'm kind of excited to see you guys.

Like, I just am enthralled with Scott McTominay,

because his name sounds like JK Rowling trying to name

that one Scottish kid at Hogwarts.

He sounds like salt-of-the-earth Scottish,

and he just, he doesn't look like a Scot.

Like, he looks like too well put together, and I think...

You, erm, touring Scotland at all?

Not any more, no, I would say.

I just can't wait for the whole thing.

Give us your analysis, Ian.

It's going to start, and then it WILL finish.

Yes.

What treat did England captain Harry Kane get just before...?

- Waxwork. - Yes!

Yeah, he was very surprised.

- It's in Madame Tussauds. Let's look at it. - Yeah.

- It's good, isn't it? - Yeah.

- Yes, look at that. - Which one is it?

I don't think he went to Madame Tussauds wearing

the England shirt, so...

It does look a lot like Harry Kane, which is more than can be said

for these waxworks of David and Victoria Beckham.

Oh.

Any guesses who these three are?

Uh, is that Paul Gascoigne in the middle?

Yes.

Is that Glenn Hoddle on the left?

It's not Glenn Hoddle, no.

- Bryan Robson. - No.

- Anwar Sadat. - I mean...

- - Gary Lineker! - Yes!

- Oh! - Gary Lineker! Well done.

What item has been unveiled that hopes to bring England

and Scotland fans together at the World Cup?

- Oh, yes. - Oh...

Yes, it's a half Scotland, half England shirt.

That's exactly it.

Which neither country will buy.

Fans won't want to have a Scotland emblem,

and Scotland certainly won't want an England emblem,

so nobody's going to buy it.

You can get them in Iceland. Let's have a look.

There you go.

Oh, it's not getting a good response in the studio, is it?

I didn't realise Iceland were playing.

Formerly the Republic of Bejam.

These three people are clearly thinking,

"If I shut my eyes, I'm not being photographed."

I think on the left is Gary Lineker...

Who is Scotland's biggest supporter?

Rod Stewart.

Yes... Well, it's another singer.

Susan Boyle?

That's it! Do you know why?

Yes, because she's done this Irn-Bru advert,

where she break-dances in front of a bridge.

We've got to have a look at this.

Take it to the bridge, Su-Bo!

I think it's sensational.

- I think it's sensational. - Unironically, I love it.

Yeah.

I think it's Scotland's answer to Vindaloo, certainly.

And Vindaloo is personally my favourite ever football song.

I think it should be England's national anthem.

It's catchy, and it's sung by a man called Fat Les,

which is actually how I personally identify.

While we're on the subject, does anyone remember...?

Subject of what?!

Oh, football!

- Scottish World Cup song. - Sorry. Yes.

While we're on the subject, anyone remember the Scottish anthem

from the 1978 World Cup in Argentina?

We're on the march with Ally's army.

- Yeah. - We're going to the Argentine.

- Yep, yep... - We'll really shake them up.

- Do you remember... - We'll win the World Cup cos Scotland

- are the greatest football team. - Oh, God. Well done!

Do you know, I preferred you talking about levelling up.

Solid knowledge, though. Solid knowledge.

Can I just say, at this point, that I've always liked experts?

Well, England, they don't seem to have a World Cup anthem

this year, apparently.

Would anyone like to suggest one?

I had thought that it was going to be a reworked version

of The Beatles, Come Together.

Or Help!

Don't they still...

...sing the one about the shirt?

- Three Lions on the shirt? - That's the one.

I think I've been brought on to this show today to translate football

to you...

...and act as your bouncer, in case you go for Michael Gove.

Meanwhile, how did one football fan get in trouble with police

after the Champions League final last Saturday?

- Uh... - French fan.

England fans put flares up their butts.

Did he put a baguette up there?

I mean, you're in the right ballpark.

- Quite. - Unfortunately.

An eclair?

It was a large garlic sausage.

Ah.

Following riots in Paris after PSG's victory, a French fan has been

sentenced to four months' house arrest for...

The fan pleaded...

"I didn't intend to throw it at him.

"I just wanted to get rid of it."

Is he here? Is he here?

It is amazing what RADA can do for things, isn't it?

The judge was having none of it.

"You may be trembling now!

"But your hand didn't tremble when you threw that sausage

"at the policeman!

"Huh?!"

I think we know who's starring in the remake

- of the Pink Panther now. - Thank you very much.

As the last show of the series, I've got a game for you.

- Hey! - Ooh!

It's called the Funny Name Quiz.

- OK. - Fingers on buzzers. Here's your first one.

What is the name of a former Tory councillor for

the Solihull Metropolitan Borough Council?

Is it Derek Pothole?

- Yes? - I don't have anything.

I just wanted us to respect the buzzer system.

Thank you!

It's because I had a very punitive education.

His glorious name is Bob Sleigh.

The trouble about this quiz is there's no chance

of us getting any of it right.

Yes, this is the World Cup.

And England manager Thomas Tuchel has named his team

to win the tournament.