Bad Taste

Hello, emergency. What service did you require, please?

Hello, quick, anybody, just get help!

-Where are you calling from, sir? -Kaihoro, phone box.

There was this roaring noise and a big white light in the sky...

and then... these... invaders started killing us!

Hold on sir, I'll connect you with the Internal Affairs Dpt.

-No time, they're after me... -Hello?

Aaaargh!

Is there anybody there?

What do you think, Minister?

Call a full-scale invasion alert, sir.

I'll phone the forces, fighters frigates, footsloggers...

Perhaps that could all be a bit showy.

I think this is a job for real men.

Just stop right there!

Stop!

I think you'd better kill him, Barry.

Jeez, he could be Ministry or Works...

No, he's moving too fast.

Stop! This is definitely your last chance!

That's the story!

I always thought you were left-handed.

No, the head shot's the only true stopper.

Ugh...

Aw Jeez!

I hope I'm not the poor bastard that's got to clean that up.

Jesus!

Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry.

We'll need them for analysis.

No bloody way mate. Come down here and do that yourself.

You're the yung-ho scientist.

All right. I'll be down straight after lunch.

But at least take a blood sample.

No need. I'll just wring my strides out.

Well, at least we got one live specimen.

Yeah.

Seen anyone else about, Barry?

No, the place is completely deserted.

They're probably all dead, that's at least 75 people.

Jeez, I just hope we're in time to save the world.

Well, I just hope you got it right this time.

No doubt about it Barry. I've been watching the skies.

And do you know what the skies did?

-They pointed... -They pointed at this place.

Why can't aliens be friendly?

There's no glowing fingers on these bastards.

We've got a bunch of extra-terrestrial psychopaths on our hands.

Like a... visit from a planet full of Charlie Mansons.

They've wiped out a small town for starters.

It's my guess they'll go on to something bigger next time.

-Christchurch, Wellington... -Auckland?

Yeah, well that wouldn't be so bad.

Well you'd better contact the others, Derek.

They should be in range now.

Tell them to keep an eye out...

for someone who could be heading this way.

-Who? -A collector.

There's some appeal on.

There's envelopes stuck on all the doors...

and today's collection day.

Hey! There's something that's just occurred to me too, mate.

What's that?

That joker you topped a while back.

He might have friends.

I'd keep my eyes skinned if I were you.

You needn't worry. I'm not stupid, thanks...

Come in Frank. Ozzy, are you there?

Boys, are you there?

Turn it down, Ozzy!

That's elevator music for headbangers.

Frank! Ozzy! Are you there?

Yeah, we're here mate, but could you use the proper call-sign?

-There could be people listening. -There's nobody for miles, Frank.

Besides, I don't think whispering's going to help.

He's got a point there, Frank.

What do you mean, nobody for miles? I thought you were in Kaihoro

I am in Kaihoro and I was right all long.

-They've done the entire town. -Who's done the town?

The extra-terrestrial low-lifers.

And guess what! We've caught one of the bastards!

Me and Barry got him loping over the hills...

just like he owned the bloody place.

-Huh? -Now do you believe me?

Jeez, look Derek, just keep him there.

-You got him secured? -Bloody oath!

Right, now don't touch him. We'll be there in 45 minutes.

Whatever you do, don't harm him. No physical violence!

Another thing, Derek, keep a careful look-out.

-There could be more about. -There was! Down on the beach!

Hell, well look. Don't go near him.

-It's a little late for that, Frank. -What?

It wasn't me.

Barry shot his head off. He had the magnum.

I knew it was a mistake to issue weapons.

We're a government department, not a para-military unit.

The Astro-Investigation and Defence Service.

Wish they change that name!

Due to the potentially dangerous hazards involved...

All right, at least you managed to convince the minister.

Aren't you interested in this joker we caught then?

-Course we are, Derek. -Right.

Stay where you are and I'll give you an eye-witness description...

of this inter-galactic wanker.

Well, I'd describe him as sort of human-shaped.

He's got jeans and a blue shirt on.

Christ, he's nabbed a bloody farmer!

Yeah, but there's something strange about him.

Like he's got a screw loose or something.

It's a bloody farmer!

Yeah, Derek strikes again!

Is this another false alarm like the Manners Street Invasion Alert?

How do you explain the disappearance of an entire township then, Frank?

The Kiwi Jonestown, of course, that's it.

Drinking beer laced with cyanide from little polystyrene cups.

Yeah, yeah, OK. Derek, just do me one favour.

What?

Try not to make him extinct before we get there.

Out!

Christ, what a dork! How the hell did he get in this team?

Well, this has buggered your plans for conquering the universe, eh?

My friend the astro-bastard. Time for talkies.

By the time my colleagues get here...

I want to have you babbling in some extra-terrestrial language.

Now in case you don't want to do what you're told...

I could always encourage you by hammering this cold steel...

into your fibula.

It'll sure poke a nasty hole in your marrow, mate.

We'll get the old ball rolling, eh?

Now, what are you dirty hooers doing on my planet?

Oh, bugger it!

Well, looks as if it's time for the old count of ten.

One...

Two...

Three...

Six...

Seven, eight...

Nine...

Ten.

Derek!

Derek!

Derek!

Come in, Derek!

What?

Aw jeez!

Oh, I should have expected that.

-Derek! -All right!

Quickly Derek!

Come on!

Jeez Barry, you've got awful timing. What?

Just listen to me. You've got to get out of there fast!

Five of those blue-shirted freaks are coming up.

They heard their mate screaming.

Get out of there fast Derek.

I can't do that. I'm a Derek.

Dereks don't run.

Well, get up a tree or something.

Yeah, look don't worry. I've taken precautions.

Oh, shit!

Shit!

Bastards!

Eat lead sucker!

Mammy!

I think this is going a little bit over the top, Ozzy.

Nah, this'll do the trick. Nobody'll be coming up this road.

But the nearest nuclear reactor's in America.

But it could have been an explosion on one of those Springbok warships.

Frank! Ozzy!

Frank! Ozzy! Come in!

Yeah, what is it Barry?

Jeez you guys we're in trouble this time.

It's really hit the fan.

Derek's wiped out five of these alien jokers.

The place is like a bloody abattoir.

Where's Derek now?

Well, he's... he's turned his toes up, guys.

Took a dive off the bloody cliff.

He's popped his rivets.

Poor Derek!

Who's going to look after his aviary now?

Yeah, birds were the only thing he could relate to.

Right, we'll be there in about fifteen minutes.

No, I think it'll be best if you stay where you are.

Just get the car off the road until I call you back.

I'm going to head off in the direction that alien joker was going...

when me and Derek caught him.

He must have been going somewhere.

They've probably got a base up there or something.

They don't need a base. They beam down from their spaceship.

Well maybe they haven't seen Star Trek, Ozzy.

Come on!

Shit!

Bye, bye!

That's my overtime up to date. Here, do you want to do yours?

Hey, Frank!

Yeah, what is it Barry?

Where exactly are you two?

About five miles from Kaihoro.

Yeah well just stay put.

I think I might have spotted something and I'm moving in closer.

Finished, Oz?