Preacher

Alright?

Now it's your turn.

Just pick a spot.

And put it in your mind's eye.

You got it?

Now let it fly.

Hello.

Who am I?

Fiore.

Who are you?

Jesse Custer.

Right. Good.

Am I dead?

Yeah.

This is Heaven?

Well, it ain't the South of France.

Who is that?

I don't know. Some girl fishing.

Come on.

It's incredible.

Should have seen it before the war.

We told you about that. The Endless War?

Good and Evil. Heaven and Hell.

Meh.

And it was always tit for tat.

We'd win a battle, they'd win a battle,

but... nobody ever really won or lost.

Until God left.

And now, with Hell under new management...

I mean, don't get me wrong.

Jesus has been doing his best, but he's not... Hitler.

Doesn't really have that killer instinct.

Which brings us to you.

We're just... so... glad you're here.

Cool.

What's going on?

"What's going on?" I've just been telling you what!

Well, you told me "Jesus is no Hitler".

Okay. Good to know.

It's impossible.

I feel like I'm speaking monkey to a cow.

Right. Heaven is empty.

God is gone.

We want you...

...to take His place.

My dear. You think maybe it...

Back in a minute.

It's a bad day on the oval for Brisbane.

The undefeated Magpies extend their win streak to seven.

Ugh, cheatin' bastards.

- Evening. - Evening.

The bell rung and I didn't know what to think.

I mean, out here at this hour, and so forth.

- Is everything alright? - Me and my friend...

we just had to pull over at the side of the road down there.

Ah, I see.

You're out of petrol, are you?

That what happened? You're out of petrol?

Yeah, of course.

Come on in. Let's get you sorted out.

Easy enough mistake to make with the petrol.

Done it myself last year.

You thirsty? I just fixed a lemon squash.

So, uh, yeah.

I was halfway to Perth before noticing

the tank was as dry as a nun's gasket.

Oh, mate.

I... I wish you wouldn't.

Those towels are the Missus'.

Where is the Missus?

With the Lord.

Cancer.

Hmm.

With the Lord, huh?

Good for her.

Your arm.

What happened?

Sunburn.

What do you want?

Well.

I came to eat your chickens.

Hello?!

Nothing?!

He wasn't home?

Nope.

But I know how to get Him.

Nothing for the Allfather?

The Allfather's business is the business of the Allfather.

Right.

Guess he's still away.

Attention, Grail personnel.

The modern miracles seminar for...

will be held in conference room 6 at 10:00 AM Thursday.

No! Stop!

Stop!

Stop! Please!

Stop!

Five, four, three...

Is your household cat hacking into your bank account?

We're gonna sit down with an FBI agent

with some interesting thoughts, but first,

let's check-in with the day's top news.

Craig? Sounds like Rosie O'Donnell's

landed in hot water again?

Sorry, guys. I'm not reading this crap.

Not today.

You know, as a journalist...

or what's left of one after six years on this show...

I feel bound to talk about the darkening political situation.

Australia and New Zealand.

Ah, this explosion thing, right? In the Outback?

Yeah. This 25-kiloton detonation

pushing the world's superpowers to take sides

and so threaten a wider nuclear exchange

that will leave the planet an ash-choked shitscape.

Scary stuff.

Maybe we should break for commercial?

Craig.

There are children watching.

Well, then the children can tell their parents

to get on their knees and beg for God's mercy.

Because as far as I can see,

the only thing that will save us...

is a goddamn miracle!

Go on. Sit.

Someone needs to step in.

Why not you?

I am the alpha

and the omega!

I am the bright morning star.

No.

I won't do it.

That is a natural first response to what would be...

a big lifestyle change. And...

It's not a lifestyle change. It's a sin.

Well, it's not ideal.

But sin's a bit strong. Sin's a bit...

It's the worst sin there is! You're all traitors!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop.

We have got to stick together!

There'll be plenty of time for fighting when Hell arrives.

I've always... I've always wondered about that.

And... and... the... the big one... it's furry.

It looks like a...

like a thick-crusted beaver pizza.

It's called a "shtremiel".

Worn over the kippah.

Connotes an extra level of devotion.

Yes? Good?

Excellent. Thank you. Got it.

Is that why you've come,

for my knowledge of traditional Jewish hats and headwear?

You know what we want, Dany.

Right.

Who we want.

But first...

you know what I want.

Order up.

Honestly, I don't know why I ever left this town.

It's got good foods.

Pubs never close.

Actually, do you know what?

I should go down and see the boys at McSorley's.

Of course, they won't be boys anymore, will they?

They were like 20-something then, so...

Well, Christ, they'd be dead now, wouldn't they?

Yeah. Probably.

Look, this thing... that she's asking you for?

I can do that, if you want?

Everything good for you two?

Oh, it's great. Thank you so much.

It was lovely.

And just say it. Say the word, and I'll do it.

You know, I don't like it either, alright?

But the gloves are off now.

We tried to be nice.

We tried to play it by the book.

Where did it get us?

Guilt and just feeling bad about every goddamn thing.

Well, screw that.

The gloves are off.

They're all the way off.

My child.

Whoa! Whoa!

Zo?

Apart from ze erection, what do you think of him?

He's, uh...

Hold that thought.

Guuuhh.

Wait, I thought the Messiah was supposed to be

a good dancer?

Whoa! Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

That's not ze Messiah.

You... You killed him!

Just a clone.

There are hundreds of them,

running around like dumb monkeys.

That... That's no monkey, Hitler.

But ze real Messiah?