People of Earth

This is Ozzie Graham reporting on StarCrossed,

a support group for people who believe

they've been abducted by aliens

You did call these people weirdos.

That's no reason to ruin somebody's life!

Something happened to me. I need to find out what it is.

My name is Ozzie Graham,

and I'm an experiencer.

Hey, bud! I seem to keep missing you.

Listen, I know I'm not your favorite guy lately,

- but I thought I'd check in. - _

I'd love it if you'd pick up one of these times I call.

- We'll mend our fences. - _

And if working at a small-town paper ever loses its charm,

you're always welcome back at Glint, buddy.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep calling you until I get you.

We miss you here on Earth.

Hey, excuse me. Ozzie Graham.

I'm taking over the police blotter

for the Beacon Daily Gazette.

Oh.

Anything to report?

- Let's see. This week? - Yeah.

A man shot a squirrel.

Oh, wait, wait. Shot at a squirrel.

- He missed. - Wow.

You guys have my car in impound, by the way.

I thought I recognized you.

You hit a deer.

Car accidents involving animals

are sometimes cover memories

used to mask alien encounters.

I'm not suggesting you did that on purpose or murdered a deer.

It seems like that's what you're suggesting.

So, did you get a chance to spend some time with the orientation binder?

Yeah, yeah.

Cover to cover.

- So, what'd you think? - It was pretty dense.

Thanks, man. I need to rewrite the foreword.

There's a lot of science that's changed, but...

And any thought to picking a sponsor?

- Sponsor? - Chapter seven.

Right. Chapter seven. The... the sponsor.

It's kind of like an A.A. type of thing.

- Exactly. Very similar. - Bingo.

Not dissimilar at all. That's a great insight.

We encourage everyone to kind of find that "special someone."

You know, it's really important to have someone that you can call.

Maybe late at night if you're lonely or confused.

I like to think of sponsorship really as kind of the emotional glue

that seals the bond with the group.

This could be us, buddy.

People won't know where you start and I begin.

You know, th-that sounds great,

but also, it sounds like a really big decision,

and I-I don't want to rush into it.

It is a really important decision,

and it's also really important that you try to make it

by the end of tonight's session.

I'm gonna ask that of you.

Sure.

It's a good idea.

Ozzie.

- Ozzie. - Huh?

You'll make the right choice. I know you.

Don't put that much pressure on yourself.

You looked a little spooked for a second there.

_

- Hey. - Yeah?

Heard you're hard up for a sponsor.

Word travels fast in this group.

But my heart goes out to anyone who's been messed with by Greys.

Well, thanks, Ennis. I really appreciate it, but I...

I've got a microphone in my head.

Yeah, the feedback, it's just...

What?

You know, I think the meeting's getting ready to start.

- No, you just said something. - I didn't say anything.

Why don't we just focus in?

Okay.

So, Kelly,

what do you remember about your experience?

It was just after 1:00 a.m.

And he appeared.

Hi.

- I can't really describe how I felt. - You want to try?

Like, emotionally horny.

I don't know how else to describe it.

It's amazing. We... we talked all night.

He was, like... an amazing listener.

And then the next thing I know, he was gone.

He's probably married.

That sounds like a positive experience.

I just couldn't help but notice that there were similarities

between Chelsea's experience and Kelly's,

because you both had intimate encounters

with a tall, pale, long-haired being that smelled vaguely of lavender.

No, our... our experiences are nothing alike.

Yeah. Mine wasn't pornographic.

Well, maybe he just wasn't interested in seeing you naked.

Or maybe I don't jump on every alien dick

- that shows up in my kitchen. - Oh!

There is nothing wrong with the female orgasm.

- Um, there is when it's yours. - Oh.

Okay, okay. You know what?

_

- Oh, my God. - Chelsea, stop, stop, stop.

We're not here to do that, okay? Okay?

No one is trying to censor your sexuality!

Our experiences are not competitions, right?

Ozzie, um, what were you trying to do, uh, there?

Look, I just thought it'd be helpful

if we just identified some of the patterns

- in everybody's experiences. - Right.

So that way we could investigate what's going on, and...

Okay, you know what?

Figure out the truth of what's happening to us.

I-I-I'm gonna pause you right there.

StarCrossed is a place where we talk about our feelings.

We're not an investigative group.

- Well, it should be. - But we're not, okay?

- Well, we should be. - We are not, and that's the point.

I'm just saying it's something I've always felt.

I'm sharing it, so...

It seems silly to deny the similarities in everyone's experiences.

We all saw a bright light.

We were all told we were special.

Clearly, we're not all special.

Kelly and Chelsea both gave it up for the same smooth-talking alien.

- Oh, my God! - Give it up. We were just talking.

- They were different beings! - Do you even listen?

Ladies, ladies. All I'm saying, like in the words of Fleetwood Mac,

thunder is an indication that rain is coming.

- That's not the correct lyric! - No. You don't know the quote.

- Richard, it's not what they say. - Can we try to talk about this?

It's not helpful to talk about lyrics.

I'm trying to make a point here, ladies.

- Gina, excuse me. Gina, can we talk? - Oh

- Uh, hi, Father. - I was thinking now in my office.

Okay.

I guess quick pee break, everyone.

Proximity.

What?

That's what I can offer as your sponsor.

I live very close to your motel.

I have a lot of free time on my hands, as well,

'cause Debbie was taken.

It's a big hole to fill.

- How do you know where I live? - I can also offer you a coffee.

I'll bring you one when I show up. I'm a bit of a Sanka man myself.

I know where you live, too, man. I got tons of time.

Way more than him. I got nothing to do.

- Like that's a selling point? - What do you care?

You're already somebody's sponsor.

- You sponsor Ennis. - Oh, God. That doesn't count.

I mean, all he does is talk about crop rotation.

So? That's part of the deal.

The deal is talking about alien issues,

and I can't get him on the subject.

- It's all related, Richard. - No, it's not. Not crop rotation.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I-I just needed to take a time out.

Mm. I feel you. I need a time out in here, too, sometimes.

These people are crazy.

Oh, hell yeah.

I still ask myself why I go to these things.

How do you know you're not crazy?

Well, I didn't at first, right?

I thought this only happened to white people.

But then, you know, lizard person's in your bedroom

and you're like, "Well, damn, I guess this is on."

Oh.

And I just wanted to thank you

for addressing that whole Kelly/Chelsea thing.

That thing's been bothering me for months.

Just feels like we should be comparing notes, right?

I know, I know, I know.

I think the same thing, too. I always thought that.

It just feels like it would be easier to accept this

if I just had some proof.

You know I can get that for you, right?

- Proof? - Yep.

- Proof of alien life? - What did I just say?

There seems to be a lot of screaming during your sessions.

That's the sound of healing.

I'm getting a lot of complaints.

From who? Is it from Lyle?

- Was it Lyle from Guitar for Beginners? - Gina...

That guy has a problem with me.

I made a comment about Santana, and he got very persnickety.

- It's not Lyle. - It's Jackie from the bereavement group.

You want to know something? She's grieving. I get it.

- I understand that she's grieving... - I will not reveal or be trusted...

- but she is a grieving liar. - if I reveal my sources. It wasn't her.

- And she is a grieving snitch. - It's not... I want...

Okay, so clearly y'all have a beef over your cheating alien.

Allegedly cheating alien.

So, who here has artistic skills besides me?

I dabble.

- Okay, great. So you're hired. - I'm actually amazing.