Dad's Army

How can those stupid British ever hope to win?

- Morning. - Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Hodges, Hodges.

- Morning, Mr. Jones. - Nice morning.

Good morning, Mr. Mainwaring, sir.

- Morning, sir. - Morning, Wilson.

Wilson, you're going the wrong way.

I know, sir, but do you mind

if I'm a little bit late this morning?

- I have to go in here. - Why?

Well, I've got to change my egg, you see.

This week's one's just a little bit off.

- Well, hurry up. - Aye, sir.

As chief clerk, you're supposed to open the bank.

If there's a queue in there, you'll have to change it at lunchtime.

All right, sir. All right.

- Whoa. - Sorry, guv.

- Morning, Miss King. - Morning, Mr. Mainwaring.

- Morning, Pike. - Morning, Mr. Mainwaring.

The war news looks rather serious, doesn't it, Mr. Mainwaring?

Nothing to worry about, Pike.

Believe me, the whole German attack will just fizzle out.

- Miss King? - Yes, sir?

That lipstick is far too bright.

That's the sort of thing that gives the bank a bad name.

Yes, Mr. Mainwaring.

- Pike? - Yes, sir?

Don't wear your pencils in your top pocket like that.

- It looks very common. - Yes, sir.

When I was a young bank clerk, we had to wear morning dress.

Managers in those days were absolute Tartars.

Change the date on that calendar.

I say, how much longer are you going to keep me here?

- Can I help you, sir? - Yes, cash that, will you?

- I'll take it in ones. - Certainly.

I don't think you have an account with us, do you, sir?

- No, I haven't. - Have you an arrangement?

No.

- I'm afraid I can't cash it. - Why not?

Ten pounds is rather a lot of money.

I don't know you. After all, there is a war on.

I'm well aware of that.

I should have thought, under the circumstances

you'd have abandoned all that red tape.

On the contrary, we have to be even more careful.

For all I know, you might be a German spy.

Rubbish. It is not rubbish, sir.

They're being dropped all over the continent by parachute.

Some of them are even disguised as nuns.

Are you mad? Do I look like a nun?

Even so, I'm afraid we can't take a chance.

Let me speak to someone in authority.

- I am in charge here. - Are you going to cash my cheque or not?

I am not, sir.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm rather busy.

Damn bank clerk.

I happen to be the manager!

But of course you are, sir.

Come into my office, Wilson.

Right, sir, right, yes of course.

What's the matter? You look upset, general.

Damned bank clerk.

Oi, do you want to buy any petrol coupons?

I managed to get it changed, sir.

The egg.

Don't you remember, when we met

I was just going back into the grocers in order to change it?

Oh, I'm not interested in your domestic arrangements.

By the way, sir, have you seen the paper?

The news isn't very good.

I can assure you, Wilson,

this is all part of our master plan to lure them into a trap.

I don't know what you're worrying about.

They'll never break through the Maginot Line. It's impregnable.

Haven't you heard, sir? It was on the wireless before I left.

The Germans have reached Holland.

Good lord.

How on earth did they manage to do that?

I could have sworn they'd never break through the Maginot Line.

Quite right, sir. They didn't.

Ahaa! I thought not.

I'm a pretty good judge of these matters, you know, Wilson.

They went round the side.

I see.

- They what? - They went round the side.

That's a typical shabby Nazi trick.

You see the sort of people we're up against, Wilson?

- Most unreliable, sir. - By the way, Anthony Eden

is making an important announcement in five minutes time.

- Oh, really, sir? Is he? - Yes. About home defence.

Switch the wireless on, would you?

It's going to be rather difficult, sir.

Why must you always question everything?

Never mind. I'll switch it on myself.

We haven't got a wireless, have we?

No, sir, we haven't.

Come on. We'll go over to Elliot's radio store

and hear it there. All right, sir.

Come on.

I'm coming as quick as I can, Sir.

Great. Our boys are fighting the Nazis

and people over here are guzzling ice cream.

- Morning. - Good Morning.

- Come inside. - Right, sir.

Anybody about?

Good day, Mr. Mainwaring. Can I help you?

Turn the wireless on at once, please.

Certainly, sir. Which one would you like to hear?

I don't care. Any one will do.

Well, uh, what about this model?

The Dulcitone. Six pounds ten,

or if you wish you could have it on easy terms.

Just turn it on, will you?

Very well, sir.

What's the matter? It isn't working.

Really, sir. It has to warm up, you know.

...and who wish to do something for the defence of their country...

well, now is your opportunity.

We want large numbers of such men, between the ages of 17...

It's a lovely tone,

don't you think? - Be quiet.

...come forward now and offer their services

in order to make assurance doubly sure.

The name of the new force... - Did you hear that, Wilson?

Perhaps you'd like to hear a different station.

Leave it alone.

When on duty you will form part of the armed forces.

In order to volunteer, what you have to do

is to give in your name at your local police station.

That was an appeal by the honourable Anthony Eden...

That's it, Wilson. Let's get down to the police station, sign on.

But sir, what about the wireless?

Don't you want to buy it?

Don't be ridiculous. Come on.

- Good day. ...17 and 65.

They should report at once to their local police station.

Although...

Thank goodness we're getting some action at last.

Yes, sir. Quite. We'll show those Nazis.

- We'll give Hitler a bloody nose. - Of course we will.

Sorry.

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Mainwaring,

I just heard Mr. Anthony Eden speak on the wireless.

Yes, we just heard it at Elliot's.

If you're going to sign on, I'll come with you.

Good. Right. I am an old soldier, you know.

I served under General Kitchener in Sudan.

Then I served right through the Boer War.

Served right through that to the Boer War.

It was the 1914-18 war.

I went through that, you see,

then I got invalided out 'cause they said my eyes was no good.

That's rubbish. There's nothing wrong with my eyes.

Of course not. They're perfectly all right.

All right, Jones?

One at a time, please!

Now, look here, Sergeant. I'm Mainwaring. Manager from Martins Bank.

I've come to join the LDV.

Yes, and I want to join up too.

I'm an old soldier, I am. I was in the Sudanese campaign.

You'll just have to wait your turn.

I'll take all your names and addresses and in due course

you'll hear from the appointed commander.

Who is the appointed commander?

I don't know. He hasn't been appointed yet.

Oh, we can't put up with all this red tape.

Name, please.

Steady on. I was here first.

It's no use, Wilson. We shall have to do something quick.

You have to do something quick, you know.

There's only one thing for it. I'll have to take charge.

- You take charge. - Do you think that's wise, sir?

There's nobody else here, is there?

Excuse me, officer. Is there a convenience of some sort?

Let's get these men down to the church hall

and see if we can sort them out.

Follow me to the church hall, men.

I must get their attention somehow.

Help me onto the counter, will you?

All right, sergeant, leave this to me.

I'm taking charge from now on.

All right, men. Quiet, please.

Pay attention!

I'm sure the sergeant is doing his best,

but times like these call for an experienced practical man.

- We must stand firm. - Yes. Right, sir, stand firm.

That's how we fought the fuzzy-wuzzies. Firmly standing.

Um, even now Nazi paratroopers

may be clambering into their planes.

We haven't a moment to lose.

As an experienced officer who fought in the last conflict,

I am now taking charge.

- Are you behind me? Yeah!

Times of crisis always bring

natural-born leaders to the fore, Wilson.