The Assassination Bureau

One cannot deny, I suppose, that murder has its uses in society.

But I must say that in the past,

it has been pursued with more enthusiasm than accuracy.

Explosive devices certainly went off, but usually in the wrong place...

...at the right time,

or the right place at the wrong time.

Quite suddenly, all this inefficiency became a thing of the past.

Murders began to be committed with a sort of unholy precision.

A comprehensive service was now being offered by

the Assassination Bureau...Limited.

This is from your own paper, two weeks ago.

There is only one common factor in these killings: Ruthless efficiency.

No social or political bias, just murder as a fine art.

"Mesopotamia"? What the devil does that mean?

Personal Column of The Times, three weeks before Alderman J.T. Langer

was blown up by an exploding casket.

Berliner Morgenpost, two weeks before Count von Kissen

fell down the lift shaft at the Adlon Hotel.

- Our own paper. - Good heavens.

One week before the affair of the exploding Bible.

I believe this is how prospective clients contact this organization.

Employ me, and you can have my story.

But that's our paper again.

Find out who placed it. Get to Small Ads!

Pray, don't bother. I know who placed it.

- Who? - I did.

The ad has been answered, my name and address supplied.

I expect them to get in touch with me at any moment.

- Splendid. Splendid! - My lord.

You certainly are the New Woman incarnate, Miss Winter.

I slipped in unobserved so Miss Winter would talk freely.

I always talk freely. Who are you?

This is Lord Bostwick, the owner of our newspaper.

How do you do?

The newspaper business is a male preserve.

If you are plotting to breach the citadel, it should be done in privacy. Come.

Sit down. Sit down.

Put you to work in this office, and they'd all walk out.

But they'd leap to take you out to dinner.

Why should they ask me out to dinner?

Because you are a very attractive young woman.

There can be no sexual equality whilst women exploit their appearance.

I rigidly avoid it.

Yes, well, this lift will take us to my office.

- Allow me to offer you a little reviver. - I touch no spirituous liquor.

I should hope not. This is a fine Madeira.

I have a partiality for it, just as I have for adventurous women.

What, then, is your reaction to my proposal?

That this newspaper should support you to the full extent of its resources.

It is truly wonderful to find someone as

liberal as yourself in a position of power and authority.

Yes, indeed. It's not at all common.

My newspapers are only a means to an end.

I have a genuine concern for the political welfare of the world.

You'd be astonished if I told you of the courts in Europe where I wield power.

Behind the thrones, of course. I am a retiring man.

It will be an honor to work for you.

I'd like to keep it a secret between us.

- Why? - Because, Miss Winter,

if there's truth to what you say, I'd be a marked man for supporting you.

- I see. - You'll have to be satisfied,

- with the thin end of the wedge. - Very well.

I want your employment, and need your resources behind me.

In that case, sit down and tell me a little bit about your plan.

I must admit that one thing intrigues me.

- And what is that? - Apart from your desire

to prove women's equality with men, what is your object in contacting

- these organized assassins? - Surely that's obvious.

I want someone assassinated.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - That's all right, lady. I'm used to it.

- Your matches. - It doesn't matter.

I've lost me eyes, lady, but I've still got my pride.

Yes, of course.

"Mr. Pemberty's bowler."

Pardon me, madam. Are you being attended to?

No. I've come to collect Mr. Pemberty's bowler.

- Mr. Pemberty's? - Yes.

Very hard-wearing felt, madam, from Mesopotamia.

I am sure Mr. Pemberty will be pleased with it.

Oh, I'm sure he will.

If you would care to take it, we will deliver it for you.

This way, madam.

Just through here, madam.

I must apologize for the lack of amenities,

but we don't usually cater for lady customers.

However, the journey will not take long.

Whoa.

Back. Back.

Whoa.

This way, madam.

These cloak-and-dagger precautions are an unfortunate necessity.

We try and keep them to a minimum.

Forgive me. A test for our customers. We're not used to dealing with ladies.

- Evidently. - An interesting reaction.

Men come on gruesome business, yet without exception

they are frightened out of their wits by a whiff of gunpowder.

You seem to be made of sterner stuff. Will you please be seated?

Miss Winter, you are not married.

You have, as far as we can ascertain, no romantic associations.

Whom, other than a husband or lover, could a young lady wish to kill?

- You know a lot about me. - Naturally, or you'd not be here.

At least may I know whom I am addressing?

Certainly. I am lvan Dragomiloff. Oh, don't be put off by the name.

My father's Russian sentimentality has been counteracted by

- an English public school education. - Are you head of this organization?

- Certainly. - You look extremely young.

Oh, don't let that worry you. I was born and bred for the job.

- That's terrible. - It's not terrible.

My father brought me up to continue his life work.

It's natural for a son to inherit the family business.

Business? You're murderers.

Our proper title is the Assassination Bureau, Limited.

- Our dividends are quite substantial. - You admit you take life for money.

Money is life, don't you agree? The lack of it has killed more people

one way or another than 100 Assassination Bureaus.

Human life is possibly the most expendable commodity we possess.

It's so easily replaced, and so pleasurably.

This is fantastic. You're a monster.

No. My father only saw to it that I was educated in the logic of my profession.

- He was somewhat of a philosopher. - I'm not interested in him.

- May we get down to business? - Certainly. Please be seated.

Very well, then. What about your fees?

Oh, we have a sliding scale, according to the importance of the victim.

Quality is always worth paying for. We have very high overheads.

Since taking over, I have tried to completely modernize our methods.

This, after all, is the age of science.

Take, for instance, this little bomb.

We've just issued it to all our branches.

It can be timed to go off at any hour one chooses.

And its tick is no louder than a normal clock.

Switched off, it's as harmless as your pocket watch...

...unless you drop it, of course. Miss Winter, please don't be shy.

Confide in me as you would in a doctor or a priest.

Whom do you wish to kill?

You will undertake this assignment, Mr. Dragomiloff?

I shall want justification. Of what sins is he guilty?

Pride.

- Avarice. - Oh, dear, dear.

And murder.

He seems a suitable candidate.

You guarantee that he will be killed?

You have my word.

The name, please.

Very well, then. His name is...

...lvan Dragomiloff.

I shall need further identification.

He is of Russian extraction, though educated in England.

Physical characteristics?

Approximately your size, weight and age.

I was born in the province of Valenko. Where was your man born?

In the province of Valenko.

I am compelled to believe that you mean me.

I do.

You puzzle me, Miss Winter.

We've never met, yet you want my life. Why? Why?

Because of my organization?

Because you believe "kill me, kill my bureau." Is that it? Is that it?!

What an absolutely marvelous idea.

It was not intended to amuse you.

But it does. It intrigues me too.

It will let me put my aging colleagues on their mettle. Wonderful.

Since you'll enjoy it, perhaps you'd give me a bargain price?

There's one matter upon which my board never compromise, on finance.

Without self-flattery, you'll never afford me.

Name your price.

Well, I'm not my father, of course,

but in all due honesty I couldn't put myself in at a penny less than...

...20,000 pounds.

- What a pity. - I accept.

- You do? - You will no doubt wish to count it.

But you will find each bundle contains a thousand pounds.

I trust your board will be quite satisfied.

- Good evening, gentlemen. - Good evening.

- Popescu, good job in Zagreb. - Thank you.

Gentlemen.

General von Pinck. Military life certainly keeps you fit, sir.

Lucoville, welcome to London. You too, my dear Weiss.

Cesare, you're putting on weight.

Food is the greatest pleasure in my life.

Greatest? They tell me your wife is the most beautiful woman in Venice.

She is also the best cook.

And now, gentlemen, to business, please.

It is fortunate that you're all in London for this meeting.

Something has come up which has... How shall I put it?

Crystallized thoughts I've had for some time past.

Look at the great deeds recorded on these walls, gentlemen,

each one performed in the course of bettering the world,

purging it of evil, striking down tyranny.

In those days, you were all ruled by my father's principle that our bureau

would never kill anyone without a sound moral reason for doing so.

He was a saintly man.

Do you still adhere to his principles?

Consider a moment. Be honest. Haven't we, in the pursuit of profit,

fallen short of the high morals upon which our bureau was founded?

It's always possible to find a good moral reason for killing anybody.

Everybody, from some point of view, deserves death.

Man is born to die.

No operation that consistently shows a profit

can do so without answering a legitimate demand.

You say that we are justified by the prosperity