Preacher

I had him.

I had him dead to rights!

But you didn't want him dead to rights, Herr Starr.

You wanted to make him suffer.

Yes?

So...

let's make him suffer.

I want to carve a vagina onto his head.

I think that falls under the category of "suffering."

A vagina!

All due respect, My Lord.

But what is it that you want?

Yeah.

The great question of the universe...

Well, for one thing, what I want...

is to know how my Child is doing.

Jesus is expected soon.

He is representing Heaven at the conference...

Not him. The other one.

The funny one.

The one you call... "Humperdoo."

Oh, yes.

Well...

that's a nickname, a term of affection...

How is he?

Thriving under your care, I trust.

Good.

I saw him just this morning.

High spirits as always.

Good.

God, I love that kid.

Yes, he's, uh... something else.

He's integral.

To all of it. To everything.

Yes, of course.

Do your part, Allfather,

and you will earn your long-lost reward...

Visage pristinus.

Handsome and unsullied.

That's what you want, yes?

Your looks back.

We're going to carve a vagina...

into Jesse Custer's soul.

His soul?

Have faith, Allfather.

My Great Design is at work,

and it's going to be beautiful.

This is Captain Steve from the cockpit.

We've hit some... I'm not sure what this is.

Please take your seat,

fasten your seat belts and tray...

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, that was lucky.

That the best you got?

"Do you know what you look like to me,"

with your good bag and your cheap shoes?

"You look like a rube."

You're in a new mood.

Yeah, well, nothin' like a nice walk to lift the spirits.

Or a roll, if you will.

Vampire coming up. Three minutes.

Copy that.

- Hold, please. - What's this?

Emissary just arrived.

No shit. Which one?

Heaven or Hell?

Shit.

Not Heaven.

Did you see... Should've taken a picture.

Hoo, boy, eh?

Goose pimples, right?

Now, listen. Now, that is true evil.

Not some make-believe Chianti-cannibal movie shrink

who's supposed to be scary

'cause he can "get into your mind."

Nah, old Adolf, when he wanted to get in your mind,

he just cracked your skull open and took it.

Am I right?

Oh, what's this shit now?

Yo!

Hey!

Where they at?

- Who? - Who. Ah, you're funny.

Where'd they go?

Oh, you mean the guard fellas?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I killed them.

Did you now? With what? Your smart mouth?

I picked the lock with an angel feather,

then I snapped their necks

before they had a chance to scream.

Let me tell you, get your funny out now.

'Cause when we get to Bensonhurst?

Ain't nobody gonna be laughing.

Oh, shit!

Where you goin', Frankie?

What are you doin'?

No! Come on! Not like this!

Not like this! Not like this!

No! No!

Noooooo!

Oh-ho! This ain't right.

Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, listen to me.

Frank! Settle down.

The lambs are about to stop screamin'.

Huh?

Sorry for the holdup there, gents.

Vampire comin' up in three minutes.

Buddy, we're dead!

We're not going to die! Trust me!

Hitler was wrong!

What?!

Hitler was wrong!

We just survived the plane crash without a scratch!

It's a miracle!

You think now an itsy-bitsy little bit of rain

is gonna stop us?

No, siree! We're lost at sea!

Unregistered flight, no transponders, no instruments.

Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm,

this ain't nothin'!

We just gotta stay positive.

Oh, man.

What's the point? We're just gonna die anyway.

We're gonna get to Australia, one way or another,

so cut your whining!

And be positive!

You're right!

Then what the heck are we gabbing here for, huh?!

Let's bail!

You just gonna sit there shampooing your hair,

or you gonna toss some water?

- Christ! - Attention, rail personnel,

the incapacitating pressure point class

is starting in five minutes.

Where is she?

She who?

You know who. Tulip.

Well, I've known a few Tulips in my time.

And a handful of Daisys and a single Rose.

Which Tulip might you be lookin' for?

The stupid one.

She blew off her boyfriend and came back here.

I'm bettin' for no good reason than to save your bony ass.

Why would she do that?

Like I said, she's really stupid.

You're right.

She's super stupid.

But I haven't seen her.

You, mop up Frankie.

The rest of you, let's get him back downstairs.

Rail personnel, any harvesting teams,

you have a 20-minute window to retrieve your organs.

You.

Come with me.

Make sure those are tight.

Don't want our bait wriggling off the hook.

You call this tight?

I can still feel me fingers, boys.

Ah.

Not for long.

Now we wait.

So, how was Bensonhurst?

I can't believe she came back for me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wait. Who?

Tulip. Oh, blessed girl.

Oh. Never doubted her.

'Course she came back.

And she's gonna keep comin' back.

What's the problem with that?

The Emissary requires a personal valet.

Mm-hmm.

You do not look him in the eye.

You do not speak to him unless spoken to.

No selfies, no autographs.

Sir?

I just remembered.

I have a ton of work to do down in the prison area,

and my supervisor's probably freaking out as we speak.

How about I go down there and sort all that out

and then come back to the... Emissary Suite,

which sounds cool, by the way.

I just don't want to abandon my duties, sir.

So, what do you think?

I think that for over 1,900 years,

Grail disciples have sacrificed,

preparing themselves for the rewards

that will be brought forth

by this summit between Heaven and Hell.

And by the man in this room.

For anyone to refuse the honor

of playing even the smallest part in its apotheosis

would be so incomprehensible to me that I could only explain it

as... treasonous.

Right.

Hmm.

Nice.

Don't talk, don't speak, no selfies, and don't touch.

Yeah, you said that.

But if he touches you?