The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

It's a nuclear meltdown. Let's get the hell out of here!

Why don't we just move somewhere

where there are no nuclear plants?

Then I guess we're going to Mexico.

So are we going to have some sort

of plan if we do see Pat?

There is no way that Pat could ever find us.

Hi.

I'm Pamela.

Sorry. Not a great first impression.

I promise I'm nice.

Um, I-I hope you don't mind.

I-I brought my dear friend, uh, Rear Admiral Roy Billups.

She's a nice ship. I can't wait to take her out for a...

Aah!

Pat's still alive! Pat's still alive!

Uh.

Is he dead now?

I have a pretty surefire test.

Call it.

Time of death... 3:18.

Another 3:18 over here.

So, anyway, that was Roy.

And again, Pamela.

And, oh, this is Jeremy.

Come here, Jeremy. Come here.

Oh!

Aw. Aw.

Yes.

There's my boy.

That was very nice.

Thank you. Please have a seat

while the ceremony begins. Sure.

Rear Admiral.

What can I say?

You died doing what you loved...

being alive.

What else? Um...

Not really sure why I'm doing the speech

on this one, to be honest.

Uh, Pamela?

Hmm? No. No?

No. Okay then.

Uh, Todd, little help, bud?

Yeah, sure.

Mind your back.

Moving on.

Oh, Pat.

I think we can all agree that Pat was

a pretty hard person to nail down, death-wise.

Now let's have

a moment of silent prayer

while I decapitate Pat with a shovel.

It's really staying on there.

First-timers club.

Oh, there we go.

There we go. It's off. I got it.

Oh, man.

That was the hardest decap I've ever done.

And I mean, head and shoulders above the last one. Boom.

That's funny.

Thank you! Hot room.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause of the radiation.

- Radiation. - Pat,

the severing of your head is the first step

in a two-step process to ensure

that we will never be surprised by you again.

On to step two.

Okay, so let's

send you south.

And why don't you... head north?

Head north.

Oh, no! He's reassembling!

Namaste.

Hey, Melissa.

How long till we get to Zihuatanejo?

I... no idea.

I've never driven a boat before. I'm just kind of winging it.

Well, can you wing it faster?

We have a two-day-old baby on board, I'm about to pop,

and there's a nuclear dust cloud hot on our tail.

The whole situation is M.U.B.A.R...

Messed Up Beyond All Regular-Standards.

Is "Regular-Standards" hyphenated?

"Regular-Standards" is hyphenated. Well, I'm going

as fast as I can, so...

But you don't have to worry, 'cause I got this.

Okay, well, right now,

you're giving me a real booze-cruise vibe,

and I need a little more Coast Guard.

Fine, Carol.

Geez.

Thanks.

So you lost contact with the drone.

What happened next?

Hmm, well, I, uh, drove up to Malibu,

and little did I know, I had a stowaway...

- this one. - Oh! So cute.

It's been years since I've seen a dog.

Can I hold him?

I'm sorry, no.

Anyway, when I arrived,

you were all gone, and then Pat showed up.

Oh, he was like a wounded animal.

Just a mangled mass of blood and pus, and it was...

Oh, wonderful!

I already have champagne, but thank you so much.

Here you go.

Slowly, I nursed Pat back to health.

Some time went by, and our relationship turned more...

intimate.

Sponge bath after sponge bath,

the lines blurred.

The sponge strayed.

He was a very passionate

and creative lover.

He drew our entire courtship on a pair of jeans.

Isn't this romantic?

That's me washing his body.

There's our tongues.

Looks like he loved you very much before you shot him.

I didn't think I could be any happier.

And then the rear admiral showed up.

First he was just a friend, but...

then the lines blurred,

tongues strayed.

We became a sensual human centipede.

So, how'd you find us?

Pat saw smoke coming from your camper

and somehow knew it was you,

and he flew into a rage

and grabbed his gun. He said he wanted revenge.

So, we followed him.

I certainly wasn't gonna let him kill

the very people that saved my life.

Saved your life?

When I found you with that drone,

it just gave me something to live for.

Hey,

you're the one who saved us by shooting Pat.

No, no, no.

You saved me. Well,

from one jean-art fan to another,

agree to dungaree.

Agree to dungaree.

Oh, God.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

Sleep tight.

She's great.

Hey. So, how's everyone doing?

- We all getting settled? - Hardly.

Pamela took the captain's suite, and now we're all stuck here.

If my water breaks, it's going right on Todd.

Hey, I'd be honored, Carol.

If I could just piggyback on Carol's point there,

my baby's sleeping in a chum bucket.

How you holding up, champ?

Fine.

Hey, look, I know a lot of stuff went down today.

It's not often that you see a double homicide.

That's why I think it's important that we have...

a talk.

Sometimes when a bullet

and a man's brain feel very strongly about each other,

they decide to take it to the next level, okay?

And that's called penetration.

Did we hit something, hon?

We did. All right, that's it.

We're stopping until we can see where we're going. Mm-mm.

No, we got to get to Zihuat. No, we're not gonna get anywhere

with a big friggin' hole in our boat. Where's the stopper? I'm not stopping the boat.

No, I'm not showing you. Where is the stopper?

I'm not telling you. Where is the friggin' stopper?!

Fine! God.

Now, which one of these is the anchor?

I don't know.

Horn.

Lights.

There you are, you little sucker.

And that, my friend, is how you anchor a boat.

Oh, farts.

Why can't we see land?

Yeah. Little hiccup.

Our anchor malfunctioned.

We've been drifting all night.

Gail, how does an anchor malfunction?

Did it suddenly get not heavy?

You know that button we had to press?

Well, apparently, it's more of a press and hold jobby.

Thanks for telling me.

Are you telling me we have no idea where we are? Shush.

Do you want Carol to hear you and freak out and go into labor?

We got to keep this between ourselves. Guys?

We have a situation.

I broke the bathroom.

How the heck did you manage to do that?

We ran out of TP, so I had to use my shirt.

Ew! Ew!