The Comedian

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I know you.

- Don't I know you? - No.

Hey, hey, hold that door!

You cold? You need something to warm you up?

No. You know what you can do, you can burn this whole place down...

...so I don't have to do this fucking nostalgia night.

Prepare yourself, it's not as big a house as they thought.

- I think the weather kept people home. - See the marquee?

It's like Night of the Living Dead. I should fire you for this.

...then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought...

...God would be nice enough to just leave alone.

I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly.

- Jackie B. - Hey.

- Jimmie Walker. - Jackie. Jackie Burke.

Man, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

Hey, look. Small crowd, but they're very, very lively.

Well, you know, I can play to one person.

Sometimes I play with myself.

- Jackie. It's a family audience. - Good.

...you do one joke about a gray snatch hair.

So you find the gray hair...

And then he said, "Okay. You know you have to brush this on."

Which, oh, quelle surprise, I thought I'd just shake it up...

...pour it down till it quit burning, have a hot apple pie.

It's like I'm an addled girl.

He goes, "You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour."

"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?"

That's my proudest joke.

You're the best under fire!

We love you, Grace!

Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler!

- How you doing? - If I ever do one of these again, shoot me.

Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet.

We got a guy coming on now. A legend, ladies and gentlemen.

Hickory Dickory Dock, I got to roll back the clock.

That's right. Because we are ready to bring up a young man that...

...when he was on TV...

...there was no electricity.

When he was on TV, Little House on the Prairie was just a shack...

...ladies and gentlemen.

- He is devastating... - What am I getting for this gig?

You get a percentage of the door. So that's $11 and a burger.

- Your commission's gonna be a pickle. - Sure. Like always.

The man that you know from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Eddie.

- Arlene. - Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Arlene, when your son decides... - We love your hair.

...to dress up like a ballerina...

...it's no longer about trick-or-treating.

Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.

Give him a chance to find himself. He needs to explore.

- Arlene. Arlene. - Explore.

Arlene!

Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

- You staying? - Yeah. I'll drive you home.

Jackie Burke is here.

Holy cow.

Eddie's home!

Give it up.

Give it up for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.

He's the living proof that black might not crack, but it definitely decomposes.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Yeah. I know a lot of you are here because you love Eddie. Yeah.

Well, I have bad news for you.

Eddie died.

Yeah.

Yeah. He died a long time ago, 30 years ago...

...along with my career and Brett Butler's eggs.

Okay. Enough about me. Let's talk about this abortion of a town you live in.

Hicksville! How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"?

I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia.

It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth."

So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia?

But don't worry, Hicksville.

When you grow up, you, also, can change your name.

I changed my name. I wasn't always "Jackie."

When I was born, my parents named me, you know what? Jakov.

No!

Jakov Berkowitz.

Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls.

I mean, even the Jewish kids beat me up with a name like that.

Can I help you all with something, huh?

- What's going on here? - Bachelorette party!

Bachelorette party!

Eight girls sharing one brain.

- Who's the lucky girl? - I am.

Don't look so happy, sweetheart.

Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club licking whipped cream...

...out of some girl's asshole.

Hey, come on, don't get sad. I'm just breaking your balls.

You're getting married to one dick for the rest of your life.

What could be more exciting than that?

Oh, my God, Jackie. You shouldn't do marriage jokes.

O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you.

It's not about you, you selfish bastard. It's about them.

Keep it light and fun and positive.

Marriage will suck every speck of life out of your soul...

...until there's nothing left but one big, giant, festering sore.

Good luck.

It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married.

I mean, you want a relationship?

Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fucking chicken.

Get a dog.

A dog is always happy to see you. A dog doesn't judge you.

The dog is just there.

I'm late, my dog's like, "Hey, Jackie, no big deal."

I forget to feed him, "It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.

I gotta lose some weight. It's all right."

I come home smelling like pussy, and he doesn't get mad.

He just wags his tail and licks my fingers.

Enough of this "dog" shit! Come on, do "Eddie."

Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out?

Yeah. No. I didn't come here to hear new shit.

- I came to see Eddie. - Shut up.

Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down at the playground...

- ...luring kids into a windowless van? - Hodor!

Hey, I'm the audience.

You're here to entertain me. You work for me.

You hear that? I work for him.

All right, boss, how about you give me an early Christmas bonus...

...and tongue my balls.

Calm down. You chose this career, you fucking idiot.

You could've been a doctor or a lawyer...

...but you chose to beg drunken strangers for love and attention.

Just try to make everyone happy, so you can go home and jerk off.

Hey, look, man. I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends.

Can someone do me a favor, get a drink for this guy...

...and a bag of oats for his wife.

- Bullshit. You getting this, Amy? - I don't want that shit in our webisode.

Webisode? Your shit? What web...? What the fuck are you doing?

Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.

- Webisode 19. - What you doing? Are you taping me?

This is my show, old man. I'm here to take you down.

- Give me that. - No, you give me that mic.

- Take me down? What are you doing? - Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie?

- Take your hands off my mic. - You wanna dance? Let's go.

- Let go of the mic. - This is my show, buddy.

You getting this, Amy? This is my show.

You're the joke, old man. You're the fucking joke.

- You want the mic? You want it? - Yeah.

Oh, shit! Baby!

What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

And I'm here to take you down.

What the fuck are you doing, my friend? Give me that goddamn...

No, you give me that mic.

Your Honor, as you can clearly see, Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first.

Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin several times to desist, and he refused.

- Wanna go joke to joke with me? - Let go of the mic.

- Let go of the mic. - You're the joke, old man.

Any objection to probation?

With a strong public apology and substantial community service.

Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.

Jakob Berkowitz, the court understands there are mitigating circumstances...

...but nothing excuses your retaliation.

It is in the judgment of this court that you serve 100 hours of community service.

You will attend 10 anger-management sessions...

...and you will make an allocution and an apology.

Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz?

- Yes, Your Honor. - Good.

And in accordance with this agreement, are you prepared to change your plea...

...from "not guilty" to "guilty"?

- Yeah. - Yes, Your Honor.

"I admit to assault and battery on Mr. Severin.

I recognize that I acted in a weak and violent manner...

...and I will aggressively take steps to ensure that it will never happen again.

I also apologize to the court and to my fans."

Do you have anything to say to Mr. Severin?

Yes, Your Honor.

Sorry.

Come on, he can do better than that. This is insulting. I'm hurt.

Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think the defendant can do better than that.

Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage.

Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again?

Mr. Berkowitz...

- No. - No?

No?

No. Your Honor...

...there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage...

...because according to the law, the way I understand it...

...it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain.

Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me today in my court.

Look at him now, Your Honor. You can tell by his face.

The look like Donald Trump banged Alfred E. Neuman...

...after a night of snorting thalidomide.

- Can he say that to me? - Order in the court. Order in the court.

- Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough. - Jackie, that's enough.

- Let me talk! - All right.

It isn't about me, Your Honor.

It's about the fate of humanity, which is in your hands.

Look at him. He's with that woman. They were together that night.

What if they breed?

Are you serious?

- Objection. - Get him out of here.

- Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt. - We had a deal.

The people have changed their mind. No deal.