RV

"Once in every nighttime, someone comes around."

-"I'm coming to get you. " -No.

"There's someone that makes sleeping difficult."

"Cassie."

"I'm coming."

Who's there?

-"The Tickle Monster." -No.

"That's right, Sylvester Stallone is the Tickle Monster."

"I'm gonna tickle you."

"What?" "I'm gonna tickle you."

"What?" "I'm gonna tickle you!"

Daddy, help.

I'm here, Cassie. Unhand my daughter, Tickle Monster.

Oh, hand-to-hand.

-Look, over there. -Go, Daddy, go.

"Oh, dear."

-Is she still up? -Yeah.

Yeah, I just gave her a warm bath...

...and now she's more wide-awake than I am.

She won't be so sharp for her big meeting tomorrow.

-Good night, sweetie. -Night, Mommy.

Well, if I can get Carl to sleep in the next 10 minutes...

-...you might still have a shot tonight. -Use a mallet if you have to.

-Daddy? -Yeah, baby?

I'm never gonna get married.

Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.

Because I always want to live here with you.

Well, you know, one day, you're gonna grow up...

...meet a wonderful guy, and you're gonna get married.

But you and I will always be best friends.

Good night, Cassie.

Dad, could you be any more of a dork?

Cassie, you know where this girl lives or you just think you know?

I know where, I just know one way to get there.

-And you refuse to go that way. -Because it's a stupid way.

-If you consider getting there stupid. -Why don't you use the navigation?

Because Sacajawea back there doesn't know the name of the street.

She knows it as "the one next to the one with the fountain."

Hey, Dad, Cassie just gave you the finger.

If we don't find this house in two minutes--

-There it is. -Okay, honey...

...hurry up, go get your friend.

-Jerk. -I heard that.

Good.

-Where are they? -She just left.

Okay.

Which friend is this, the nice one?

You used to know all her friends.

-You were funny and charming. -Well, she's 15.

She doesn't want me to be charming. She finds it creepy.

Oh, no.

It's the too-nice one.

Hi, thanks for inviting me.

Any friend of Cassie's is always welcome.

We're a little late.

Remember, congratulate Todd on the Alpine soda merger...

...tell him the house looks great, work in his outfit.

-Maybe he smells nice. -Lick his face?

No, don't touch him. Don't shake his hand.

-Oh, right, Mr. Stupid-Germ-Phobia. -Yeah.

There they are, old Bob Bobcat.

-Teabag. -Hi, Todd.

Hi. Hi.

Well, congratulations on Alpine soda.

-Bob said you'd do it. -Yeah.

God, Jamie, if my ex-wife looked as good as you...

...I'd still be in the middle of a horrible marriage.

Thank you, Todd. What a lovely compliment.

Oh, there's Laird.

Laird.

-So that's the young hotshot? -Yeah.

Harvard M.B.A. We're planning to kill him.

Do you want in?

-Cassie. -There he is.

Laird. You know what'd be great? You going to get me shrimp.

I'm not joking.

Cass, go say hi to Todd.

-What for? -He likes you. I'll give you 20 bucks.

Can I come? I read all about him online.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, Mr. Mallory. Good to see you again.

-Oh, Cassie Munro. -Little Cassie?

Wow, you turned into quite the young lady.

This is my friend, Gretchen.

-Hi, Gretch. -Hi.

Aren't you the one who got Pure Vibe sodas into the schools?

That was me. Cassie's dad helped, he's head of Corporate Relations...

...but I am el presidente.

Wow, so you're, like, personally responsible...

...for destroying the health of millions of children.

-Gretchen. -I probably wouldn't put it that way.

Obesity, diabetes, cholesterol.

The fat of our youth is on your hands. Wallow in it.

Thank you, I had a very nice time.

Keep it real.

Don't.

Yo, homeslice, can you chill on the def jam?

You're boiling my vibe.

Respect.

Cass, can we talk?

-God, what? -Nothing. My bad.

Father evil. Forgot that.

How you doing, are you all right?

-No, not really. -Why don't you get that skin peel?

Feels like that. Cassie was so abrasive--

Oh, Bob just came in. Let me call you back. My sister.

-Did you talk to Cassie? -Yeah, I tried.

Still bleeding a little bit.

She didn't know Gretchen was gonna do that.

She didn't know her friend was gonna throw a vat of schmaltz on my boss.

Wine or martini?

-Both, with a Prozac back. -Okay.

Remember when it used to be "Daddy's home"? Now nothing.

We watch TV in four separate rooms...

...and we IM each other when dinner's ready.

Well, then let's change things.

Let's start while we're in Hawaii.

No laptop, no BlackBerry, no business calls.

-Let's really go. -No what?

You're not gonna see them for the rest of the summer.

-Carl's got camp-- -Yeah.

Cassie's got college prep in Palo Alto, I know.

That's right, and they leave the day after we get back.

It'll be the same in Hawaii. They'll only call us when they need money.

Well, I'm glad we're going. And don't worry so much about work.

Todd loves you. You're indispensable.

I'm afraid not.

I think Laird's gonna get my job. He's younger, smarter, cheaper.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Here you go.

To true love.

-Hawaii's gonna be great. -Yeah.

You gotta cancel Hawaii.

-Why? -We hit a snag in the Alpine merger.

-Since yesterday? -One brother got seller's remorse.

-Garry. -Larry.

Garry's still for it. Show him some money...

...he'll quack like a duck. Larry's nervous.

If I tell my wife we're not going to Hawaii, bury me ass-up.

You have a place to park your bike.

-Bob. -Todd.

-Bob. -Todd.

Bob. Bob, this crisis has actually saved your job.

-Really? -After yesterday...

...I figured I gotta fire you to maintain some respect around here.

But in light of this Alpine thing...

-...I still need you. -Bless you, Todd.

I gotta run out there and make a presentation.

I can write the presentation in Hawaii and zap it to you.

Laird can write me a presentation. If I tell him to, he'll live in the office.

He'll shower in the damn water cooler.

But you've got one thing he hasn't got.

-A soul. -No, you're good in a meeting.

You've got the chutzpah.

So I want you to write that presentation...

...and I need you at the meeting to put this thing over.

-Yeah. -So no Hawaii.

-No. -Boulder, Colorado, Friday.

Just move your Hawaii dates.

The kids are booked the rest of the summer.

-You have to go to Boulder. -Agreed.

I want you to know, after the divorce, I'm coming after Jamie hard.

Bring jewelry.

Hey, if you get Jamie, can I have Elaine?

-You want Elaine? -Better than nothing.

Trust me, it's not better.

Elaine is still mad at me for taking that vacation last year.

Figures that's why I didn't get that promotion.

-Oh, the RV trip. -RV trip?

Oh, the famous RV trip. Oh, can we see the pictures again?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Nobody move.

Did you rent that RV?

Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.

What?

Oh, my God, it's your husband.

-Oh, hi. -What is that?

-It's an RV. -And why is it in front of our house?

-We're taking it on vacation. -To Hawaii?

-No, it doesn't float. Colorado. -What happened to Hawaii?

Come on, Hawaii's a winter destination. It's summer.

The place I'm taking you is special, and not like Uncle Mike.

It's Lake Nirvana, where I went with my parents as a kid.

Is he being funny? Because I can never tell.

Oh, come on. You've always wanted to camp, right?

This is what he came up with to punish me for Gretchen.

I was gonna surf. Nice one, Dad. Thanks.

The hotel in Hawaii has a weight room.

Doesn't anybody respect my lifting schedule?

We're not campers. We don't camp.

-Why not? -Why--? Why not?

-For one thing, we like to shower. -Well, it's got a shower.

You and I will go out right now and take a shower.

Bob, do you know where you stay when you take an RV trip?

-Where? -RV camps.

Honey, try to remember, we're not friendly.

In Hawaii, we'll never see the kids.

This way, we can spend time with them.

You need to spend time with them.