The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth... Hey, guys,

this is my little brother, Mike.

I'm surprised that people aren't calling you by your nickname.

Skidmark.

Our grandmother was dying

and this guy went on a kayaking trip.

Good burn.

Looks like we're even now.

No, we're pretty far from even, bud.

Oh, my God.

You know anything about, uh, this?

Burn.

Tandy, are you all right?

'Cause I found all this hair by the bed.

I'm great.

Oh, my.

Did you give yourself a little haircut there?

No, this is actually, uh, Mike's work, I believe.

Uh, am I right there, Mike?

Oh, yeah, no, it sure is.

Well, Mike, I think you missed a spot.

Oh, no, no, no, Carol, I hit all the spots

I was hoping to hit.

See, you got business on the right, there,

and party on the left.

Bet you think this is a huge burn, huh?

I think it's a considerable burn, yes.

Guess what? The burn's on you.

Yeah, 'cause I friggin' love it.

Yeah, I was going to actually do this to myself at some point,

so you just saved me a bunch of time.

So thank you.

Oh, well, you're welcome, Phil.

Tandy, were you really gonna do this to yourself?

Because it's wildly uneven.

Yeah, it looks like you got nuked right in the face.

You look like

two different serial killers.

Yeah, you look like you're from the future,

and you're here to warn us about technology.

Give him a break, guys.

You know, I-I-I kind of like it.

Thank you Todd.

And thank you, Mike.

I mean, a-a-again, absolutely love it.

Major time saver.

Well, I hope you were planning on matching your carpet

to your drapes, 'cause I went ahead

and saved you some time there as well.

Yeah, you did, and yeah, I was.

Another round of thanks.

Another round of you're welcomes.

Friggin' Mike.

You know, now that I'm used to it,

it doesn't look half bad. Boom.

It's so fun to get to say booms now.

Hardy har har, Carol.

If you don't like it, you can just shave it off.

Oh, and give Mike the satisfaction?

No way.

I'm gonna give him something else.

A taste of his own medicine.

No.

You two are even now. What?

You made him feel awful for missing your grandma's death.

This is just a classic tit-for-tat situation.

Your head's the tat, and your grandma was the tit.

God, Carol, you're just like my parents.

No matter what Mike did, they always took his side.

I'm on our side.

Maybe you'd realize that if you

just stopped focusing on your tits.

Carol, you got to start listening

to yourself when you talk.

Hey.

Hey, Sweet Cheeks.

I-I just stopped by to say hi real quick.

Oh, you're not gonna stay?

I got a bunch of stuff to do.

I-I got to, you know, clean out my desk,

uh, iron my socks.

Todd, are you going to see Melissa?

Yeah.

Okay, why didn't you just say that?

I should've.

It's just... I've-I've never had

two girlfriends before.

We're all adults here,

and I think that we should just make a promise

that we're always gonna be honest with each other.

That sounds good to me, okay. Good.

So when do you think you'll be done with Melissa?

Uh, ball parking it? Uh-huh.

Um, I get there around 6:00.

We usually start a movie,

then, uh, hop underneath the covers.

Uh, things, uh, uh, get a little-little handsy.

M-maybe some kissing, uh,

and then she-she on top of me for some light grinding,

uh, maybe five minutes.

Then, we, uh, start taking our clothes off...

you know that's quick... two minutes.

Uh, then, we, uh, have sex.

You know, usually missionary in nature...

Okay, I think I've got the picture. Okay.

We-we got this, right? We got this.

Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

Hey, Mike, hope you're not allergic to poison oak,

'cause you're about to be sleeping in it.

Burn.

Nice try, you friggin' piece of crap.

But you got to get up a little earlier in the morning

to put one over on ole Tandycakes.

What the hell is this?

Who cares about money now?

What a dummy.

He friggin' Smurfed me.

It's not coming off.

It's not coming off.

What do I do? What do I do?

Bingo.

So there I am,

standing between Denzel Washington's legs,

and I'm saying, "Push, Denzel, push."

And Denzel pops out

the most beautiful little Siamese twins.

They are perfect.

And then he says, "Sally?"...

'cause he's calling me Sally for some reason...

he says, "Sally,

"you keep my attached babies.

I got my movie career."

And I have had that dream 50 times,

and I do not know what it means.

Oh, that, that wasn't a dream,

Sally... Sally... Sally...

Oh, that's not funny. I thought it...

Good morning.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Tandy, are you wearing makeup?

Oh, yeah,

and I'm also wearing a dress and heels, Gail.

"Am I wearing makeup?"

But seriously, though,

everyone sleep well?

Huh? Mike?

Yeah, slept like a rock.

Really? Hmm.

I actually tried out this new,

uh, house down the road here.

Oh, you did, now?

You did, now, huh.

So, uh, bring that, uh, sleeping bag with you?

No. No, didn't need it.

No, I slept in a bed like a big boy.

Huh. Truth be told,

it was sad being so far away from you.

Yeah, it made me real blue.

I'm sure it did. It did.

So where is this new place?

Local.

I'm gonna need an exact address, bro.

I mean, how am I gonna get you your Christmas cards?

Well, I'll have to show it to you sometime.

I'm dying to have you over.

I'd like that.

Really, it's like there's makeup on top of blue ink.

It's called a suntan, guys, I mean...

You never seen a suntan before?

So, uh, Gail and I

had sex twice, right before I came over.

She had me trying out some new maneuves,

and we did that thing where, uh, you hold

the woman upside down around the waist, uh...

God, I know there's a name for it... uh, it was...

Todd, I don't... I don't want to talk about that.

Well, I-I just want to be completely honest

with you, hon, because, uh, Gail said that

that's the only way that this is gonna work.

Look, Todd, I already only have you

50% of the time,

I don't want to spend that time talking about Gail.

No, yeah, no, absolutely, you know,

and you deserve 100% of that 50%.

Y... although, remember, I do have to shave off

a little slice for Erica's baby.

Y... d... say 20%.

Uh, are you sure you're not taking on

more than you can handle?

Uh, you-you can't be all things to all people.

Look, you are my priority.

You're my number one.

M-m-my co-number one.

And-and-and you deserve, you know,

uh, exactly, uh,

uh, b-between...

40 and-and 50% of me.

So romantic.

Gotcha.

Ah, it's go time.