Solar Opposites

‐ Terry, will you hand me the deatomizer? The Phillips one.

The booster manifold is misaligned.

‐ Man, hey, I took this quiz to find out what Jet‐Skis fit my personality

and turns out, all of them do. Look at this.

Ah, Terry, help! ‐ Oh, I'm sorry.

‐ Oh, my beautiful body. ‐ Oh, God.

‐ Put me in the thing, Terry. Put me in the medical thing.

‐ I don't‐‐ I don't know what you're talking about.

‐ The thing with the red light. ‐ What thing, which thing, what thing?

Which thing? Point to the thing. ‐ Right there.

Oh, God, I'm slipping away. My one regret.

I didn't read enough manuals. Tell everyone you know

to take the time to read more manuals or they'll regret‐‐

‐ Ah!

‐

‐ That didn't seem too bad, honestly.

‐ You are so annoying. I'm up there doing dangerous work.

that it didn't seem too bad. What else do you need, man?

and you, you just, you make it worse. ‐ All right, look, breathe.

The only thing that matters is today we're gettin' a Jet‐Ski.

By this afternoon, we're gonna be jumpin' the wake,

gleamin' the cube, dockin' the dog.

Bologna sandwich in one hand, and a, and a Mountain Dew in the other.

I've gleamed many items before, but never a cube.

‐ It's gonna be fun in the sun from now on.

A Jet‐Ski is exactly what you need to relax.

‐ You're right. I‐I need to stop stressing out so much.

I'm gooblering more than Zortex at the Camoodian Eve parade.

‐ Poof, whatever that means.

‐ Why are your jeans in the freezer?

I allow myself a day with blue fucking ice cubes?

‐ Um, hey, little fella.

‐ Get fucked!

‐ What, what do the red ones do?

‐ I don't know.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me? This, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. Everyone claims to like old people

but they're not fucking them.

I fuck old people all the time. They love me.

‐ Hey, at lunch, do you wanna see what happens

if we drink all the sodas at once?

‐ There's a Coke Zero chance I wanna do that.

I have to focus on getting in with the cool kids.

There's an opening at their lunch table now.

Ricky Smalling's in an iron lung. ‐ Ricky was super cool.

He was dating two of the Stacis. Each Staci is worth like ten Rebeccas.

You think you can fill that power vacuum?

‐ My plan is to just slip into the seat, do nothing,

then eventually, it'll seem normal that I'm there.

to Cooper Barn's party and I'll learn so much about humanity.

‐ Well, if you're getting in with them, I'm getting in with the Stacis.

'Cause I'm afraid of them.

‐ Okay, so I'm paraphrasing here.

‐ You know I love when you motherfucking paraphrase.

Give it to me, baby. ‐ Most gooblers are passive non‐verbal

stress creatures who dance and sing and wander off

to go see the world or whatever they do.

The red gooblers only appear every 100,000th goobler.

‐ I knew you gooblered too much.

Why are you always so stressed?

Why, why, why? Come on, tell me, man.

Their sole goal in life is to kill the host

either by direct violence or by stressing them out so much

that their body goes into something called fetal shock.

It's where your brain turns into a baby and then you die.

‐ Well, good luck with that, baby brain. ‐ This is your fault.

At least half of these gooblers were because of stupid shit you've done.

‐ Okay, okay, look. Don't make another red goobler.

He probably already forgot about you anyway. Gooblers are dumb.

"I'm going to mill you"? ‐ Oh, my God.

I think he means kill. ‐

‐ All right, some of you may have noticed you're going through changes.

Like Paul over here. It's okay, Paul.

Puberty is something that happens to all of us.

It's completely natural and if you're like me, comes very early.

‐ Oh, no. Oh, oh.

Puberty!

Staci K. Staci F.

‐ Staci G. is out.

She went into the woods to look for Slenderman.

‐ Ugh, she's such a slut for Slenderman.

And then, she's gonna force you to eat a tampon.

‐ I've been slow cooking it all day.

In my vagina. ‐ Uh...

uh, oh!

‐ Wow, you are, like, so beautiful.

I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but can I touch your face?

‐ Uh, I do not get asked that all the time, and yeah.

Touch away, Staci K.

‐ Aiden, Braden, Jaeden, Mark. ‐ Dude, that's Ricky's seat.

‐ Was Ricky's seat.

‐ So I'm at Benihana with my parents, and my Juul dies.

And I'm like, oh, shit. But then I realize,

I can just vape the onion steam.

What are you listening to? The sex?

I need to tell you something.

Let's go recharge our headphones and jerk off.

‐ All right, fellas, keep it tight. I love you.

I mean, okay. You just blew that for me!

I was totally in. This is my cool kid table.

You gotta find your own cool kids to hang with.

Like, those guys. ‐ Those are cool kids?

‐ Yeah. I heard Lady Gaga wore that same cone to the Latin Grammys.

So awesome. Good luck.

‐ Okay, you ready?

We gotta meet the guy selling us the Jet‐Ski in an hour.

His name is Trent. I mean, how Trent is that?

‐ Yes, Terry, I'm almost finished fortifying the house

in case that little red butthole comes back.

‐ Oh, right, yeah, I should probably seal up all my hidden doors then.

‐ What hidden doors? ‐ I only have a couple, don't worry.

‐ Terry, that Wetzel's is a money pit. It doesn't have any foot traffic.

‐ It takes a year for a business to be profitable, okay?

‐ But free pretzel day is right around the corner.

‐ Hey, watch the nose. It's new. ‐ Fuck you, Craig.

‐ Listen to me. You're not gonna believe this.

I just had such a good experience with two girls in the bathroom,

and it's all because of this. ‐ Nobody cares.

What the hell is that?

‐ That's what I've been trying to tell you.

It's my special flower.

‐ I'm sorry I hit you in the nads, man. ‐ No.

I know she just got stung by a bunch of bees.

‐ You did this. ‐ Yep, totally her fault.

Should we bully her until she decides to pursue a career in the arts?

‐ No, man, she's cool.

Jesse, you should come to the big party tonight.

See you there? ‐ Ha, you betcha.

I can't believe the court made me choose between her and my kids.

‐ Now this can do sick flips, right? I mean, they have to be really sick.

‐ Oh, yeah, they're sick, dude. We had some great times together.

Ah, I just want to make sure she goes to a good home, you know?

‐ ‐ Red goobler got a gun!

‐ That was a car backfiring, dude. Is someone huntin' you?

I'm not sure that's the right home environment

for a refined vehicle like this.

is a great deal, Trent. ‐ I hear that.

Hey, you guys want to sit on this honey?

‐ Me first. ‐ No, I'm going first, Terry.

‐ The fuck out of my way!

‐ Damn it, I'm gonna tell Korvo and Terry.

They're gonna chop it right off your head and no one will like you anymore.

‐ No, don't, please don't tell them.

‐ When I get home, I'm going to ruin your life.

‐ Not if I get there first.

Yeah!

Oh, god, oh, help me.

‐ He's lost too much of what I'm really hoping is blood.

‐ No!

‐ Thanks for saving my life, I guess. ‐ Thanks for not dying.

‐ I'm still gonna tattle!

‐ Ah, jeez.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Wait till you get her on the water.

‐ This goes on the water? What?

I'm gonna sell her to you guys. ‐ Uh, so should we take her now?

‐ You mind if I drop her off? I just wanted to get one last ride in.

‐ I got the red goobler. ‐ Wait, are you guys weird?

‐ No, no, no. Look, okay.

We've been playing a game of tag with our best friends for the past 20 years.

It's actually brought us much closer together.

We'll see you at our house later. Thanks for the Jet‐Ski.

You're cool. Bye!

‐

...SpongeBob Square Pants...

‐ Oof, I am sorry. I freaked out a little.

But the good news is we have secured the Jet‐Ski

and it looks like the red goobler is gone.

Terry, did you poach eggs?

‐ No, I only like scrambled, fried, hard boiled, soft boiled,

sunny side, over easy, over medium, over hard,

Easter, green, Benedict, McMuffin and deviled.

‐ The red goobler was here! ‐ Oh, I also like frittatas.

He's whispering to the memory foam mattress, Terry.

What is he telling it? What does that mattress remember?

‐ He unboxed my "Hunger Games" Funkos.

Ah, I was saving President Snow for my YouTube channel.

Now it's not even worth half a Phasma.