The Odd Couple

What are they doing?

Waitress gave them a children's menu and crayons.

They're trying to see who can connect the dots first.

Bear!

Bear on a surfboard!

I knew it. I sensed it.

That's no fair.

My crayon broke.

I wasn't expecting to see you here, Felix.

I thought you were avoiding Langford's.

Why? Because Emily works here and she dumped me?

Yes, the truth is, I have not

seen Emily since the breakup,

and I have been avoiding Langford's.

I've also been taking the stairs

instead of using the elevator,

and donning a moustache and beret

for trips through the lobby.

That was you?

Damn, I thought I had me a Johnny Depp sighting.

But I knew I was okay coming here today

because it's her day off and she just posted

a picture of herself at the dog park,

which must have been taken earlier

because here you are and here are we.

Hi, Felix.

Good, and you?

What?

I was wondering when we were going

to run into each other, and now we have,

and it feels right.

The right stuff.

We are astronauts of friendship.

I wasn't sure how we would...

You know, sin...

I'm sorry, this is a little awkward.

Awkward? No, it is goo... d.

Good as gold.

The gold medal of friendship...

- goes to us. - Oh!

I don't know where to look.

Okay, well, have to get back to work.

You do that.

Work it, girl!

Well, that went better than I thought.

Oh, God, look who's here.

Uch, Rich Eisen.

He always "swings by"

after the ratings come out

to tell me he beat me and that he's my daddy.

Madison.

Eisen.

Swing by to gloat about the ratings?

Oh, what are ratings, anyway?

Other than a highly accurate way to determine who your daddy is?

Was the astronaut of friendship thing weird?

No, no, it was good... it was playful.

Say, Oscar, have you heard?

The Broadcasters Charitable Trust

has named me Humanitarian of the Year.

They want someone to introduce me at the banquet,

and I thought of you.

You really think I would do that after you come down here

and insult me in front of my friends?

He'll be there.

I'm sorry, Oscar, but, you know,

you and Rich are on the same network,

and the execs think it would be "good corporate synergy."

I just got the email.

And with your ratings being where they are,

i.e., the crapper,

it's probably not a good idea to make the bigwigs mad.

So we'll see you Friday.

He could use a big wig.

You could use a big wig!

Ah, he's gone.

Just like his hair.

You've got no hair!

Man, he always

has to get the last word in.

He's such a jerk.

Reminds me of my bully from high school.

I wonder what she's doing now.

I can't believe you got to get up in public

and give an award to that fool.

Oh, don't worry, I'll buy a table

and we'll all be there to support you, right, guys?

- Of course. - Sounds fun.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, sorry.

- I thought he was talking to me. - He was asking you.

- But you could go. - I don't have to go.

- I could go. - I mean, I'm happy to.

- Doesn't matter. - Unless it's weird.

- Up to you. - It's your call.

Oh, I hope there's a bar.

It's okay, Felix, I don't have to go.

No, no, of course we can both go.

It doesn't have to be weird if we don't want it to be.

Are you sure?

Of course!

This can be the kickoff

to the New Super-Cool Laid-Back Friendship part

of our relationship.

- Uh, um... - Oh, oh...

Yeah, there's a bar.

- Fantastic. - Oh, thank God.

Even though I hate

having to say nice things about that clown,

the speech reads great.

I just got a couple of tweaks.

Hit me.

You see here, when we say,

"Rich Eisen is a good man who does good things"?

Uh-huh.

Could we lose both of the "goods"?

You want it to read, "Rich Eisen is a man who has done things"?

Yeah, that's better.

Two questions: What time is the banquet tomorrow,

and was it just me,

or did you get the sense that Emily wants me back?

7:30, and say what now?

It just feel like Emily was sending me signals.

Oh, Felix, I hate to break it to you,

but I think you're in denial.

No, I'm not.

Oh, wait, am I?

I am!

Denial, I'm in denial.

Yes!

He's a weird little man.

Okay, I call Eisen "Rich" throughout the speech.

Are we 100% sure he doesn't sometimes go by "Dick"?

Oh, no, not the whiteboard.

Last time, he tried to teach me about Congress.

Thank you, Dani, for helping me understand

my current emotional state

and showing me a path to recovery.

The five stages of grief were first defined

by noted psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

That chimp lady?

I am clearly grieving the death of my relationship with Emily.

But the fact that I can make that statement

- _ - shows that I am through the first stage.

So long, denial!

- _ - I am no longer in you.

So all I have to do is

get through the next four steps before tomorrow night's banquet,

and I will be completely over Emily.

I don't think it works that way.

Maybe for chimps.

But you're a human man.

Oscar, you saw how I was after my divorce.

I was devastated for months

because I couldn't let go of my grief.

I can't go through that again.

I've got to fast-forward through the pain.

I get that, but tomorrow is awfully quick.

Oh, I can do it, I can master my emotions,

knock through the next four stages in the next...

26 hours and 13 minutes.

Look out, stage two, I am coming for you!

Oh, no, not the whiteboard.

Hey, Oscar, I slipped Eisen

a copy of your speech last night.

And?

Ah, he hated it.

What? All it was was ass-kissing!

Well, that's the problem.

He picked you because you're rivals.

He wants it to be more like a roast.

He wants me to roast him?

Like the sun roasts his balding head?

Yeah, and then he'll come back at you with his own jabs.

Ooh, like how Oscar has a face made for radio?

Or how he smells like the business end of a baby?

Or how he looks like he's trick-or-treating as a hamper.

I don't like how quickly you're coming up with these.

I'm so angry!

I gave her a year of my life

and she chewed me up and spit me out!

Why won't the universe let me find love?

Why, why, why, why, why?

This isn't working.

We've been at it for nearly an hour.

Eight minutes.

And yet I'm still angry.

I think I know why.

I think it's because my body knows

that this isn't a real fight.

So I'm going to need you to fight me back, okay?

Just give me everything you've got, ready?

I'm not going to fight you, okay?

You don't even know how to defend yourself.

You might be surprised, huh?

Come on, come on, fight me, what?

Or are you chicken? Hmm? Who's a chicken?

I bet somebody wanted to be a real boxer, right? Huh?

Not just a boxing teacher.

And you know what they say: those who can't do...

Anger... stage... complete.