Aap Jaisa Koi (आप जैसा कोई)

What's the matter with me?

Why am I so lost?

Was I crazy before?

Or am I crazy now?

You're out of control Your hair is all scattered!

What have you done to yourself?

I've found someone!

I've found someone!

I've lost my heart to her

I've lost my heart to her

What should I say?

What should I say?

I'm shaken!

I'm shaken!

I've found someone…

I've found someone!

Rakhee.

Shri, I don't like you.

And…

You should have at least bought a real ring. My father is a jeweller.

"Shri, please teach me this. What does this mean? What does that mean?"

Rakhee, you always cling to me in class.

-I cling to you? -Yes.

That's called friendship, you fool!

Love is friendship after all.

I just saw it in a movie yesterday.

In the movie, they also showed

that it took years for the friendship to turn into love.

Yes, but Deepak said,

"So what if her father is a jeweller? His daughter is not a gem anyway.

She will say yes."

Shrirenu Tripathi!

You'll yearn, you'll suffer, looking for water in a dried well,

but in life, you'll neither find love, nor sex.

I curse you!

Also, give your friend Deepak a small gift from me.

Could you please take off your glasses?

You're so stubborn, Pande! You show up every day.

Burnt bread, stale vegetables, you eat whatever's kept in front of you.

It seems like you, too, have Rakhee's curse, just like me.

You'll be all alone now.

Brother, this is for the last two months.

Deepak is yet to pay 4,000 more, but he'll clear it by next week.

When I was your age,

I was paying my daughter's hostel fees.

You're still splitting rent with your room-mate.

Look at Pramod, my useless, good-for-nothing friend.

Gave him a job in my company.

Gave him and Pramila a place to stay at home.

Quit your teaching job.

Join me in my property business.

What's the point?

We've come to this earth empty handed and we're going to leave the same way.

Sorry, sorry.

Take this.

Goodbye.

Even I am more positive than him.

Kusum, I'm on the bus.

That's fine, but first, tell me which jar would be best for pickles.

The left one, old school, which is in Pramila's hand

or the right one, modern, which Nisha's holding?

The one that Nisha is holding is nice.

There are many options in the market.

Looks matter, Shri.

Uncle, please don't complicate an already-complicated matter.

You're going to be late for school and I'm late for work.

Old school is good.

-Thank you. Listen. -Good choice. Bye.

Why is your age 42 in your biodata?

I told you to write 39.

Age matters, Shri.

Three years don't matter.

I've been trying for 15 years now.

The priest has confirmed that this is your year.

You will get married in 2024.

Maybe he means 2024 BC.

Ask Deepu to take a nice picture of you in his studio. Okay?

Don't worry.

VIKAS HIGH SCHOOL, JAMSHEDPUR - 831002

Hey, quiet!

Be quiet! I'm here.

Silence!

Silence!

Good morning.

Good morning, sir!

Warm greetings to you all.

OH SHRI, COME TOMORROW!

The pranks have started early today, huh?

GAMA

Who can tell me the Hindi translation of this?

Yes, Kartik. Answer.

Gama means, "to go."

Gachchami, Gachchava, Gachchmah.

It means, "I am going. We are both going."

And "We are all going."

Very good, Kartik.

-Thank you, sir. -Well done.

Yes.

If someday a miracle of nature happens

and sir experiences the pleasure of getting off,

-what is Mr Tripathi going to scream? -What?

Oh, Gachchami!

Oh, Gachchami!

Oh, oh, Gachchami!

Cracking jokes again, Rakesh?

A-A joke?

No, I actually had a question. Well…

What's the Hindi translation for "virgin"?

Get lost!

I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to arouse, I mean, anger you with my question.

Why don't you have a hot affair?

You think it's that simple?

Kick you in your balls, bro.

Chin down. Aren't you aware?

Why do the students tease you?

Understand the subtext!

You're 42 and still a virgin.

I know you've been unlucky

but you can't be okay with it.

I know it seems impossible, but you must keep trying.

Right.

If I had written my thesis on trying, I'd have received a doctorate by now.

Look straight.

Some have a problem with my name.

Shrinenu? Shrivenu.

-Shrireru? -Some have a problem with my job.

Sanskrit? Teacher?

Some have a problem with me.

It feels a bit weird, Shrirenu.

Did you have coffee on an empty stomach?

It must be gas.

Disgusting!

I have a solution as smooth as butter for your problem.

This sex-chatting app was launched in the market just three months ago.

Aap Jaisa Koi.

AJK for short.

This is different from the other apps.

You and your identity remain anonymous.

Rs. 699 a month.

Unsubscribe from all the other trashy apps.

It's a game of words.

Once you press this,

a lady

will answer the phone.

A new one each time.

Different.

Is this your solution?

Talking on the phone?

Not just talking.

Smooth talking.

She will first encourage you with her giggles.

And then, the still ocean within you which has been lying that way

for decades now will show some movement, Mr Tripathi.

Waves will be created.

First, slowly.

Then, faster.

Faster!

Even faster!

Even faster…

There'll be a tsunami in Jamshedpur. Get it?

Come here.

Principal ma'am never takes my calls. What makes you think other ladies will?

-Think about it. -Exactly.

That is what's amazing about AJK.

They can't see your face.

They'll only get the call.

Who the caller is, how he looks…

They don't care.

But isn't this cheating the women?

Life has cheated you. What about that?

If not the lead, you could've at least been the supporting actor.

You're not a Greek god either. Your wife left you, didn't she?

-After two years! -But she left.

-After two years! -Right.

At least I had a wife.

For the last 20 years,

you've had only two females contact you - Mrs. Kusum Tripathi and Nisha!

Loneliness is a killer, my friend.

When life doesn't give you lemons, make your own drink.

It may not be the best,

but it'll quench your thirst.

Deepak.

Coming, ma'am! Coming!

I'll call you later.

AJK.

AJK.

Hello.

Hello, uh… Hello.

How do you do?

How do I do what?

My name is Shrirenu Tripathi.

That's nice, but I never asked.

Sorry.

This is my first time talking to someone like this.

So, please don't mind if I say something stupid.

This app is meant for stupid things.

Yes.

Yes.

Did you have dinner?

Well, it's 9.30 p.m., so I asked…