The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

You were gonna go skinny dipping?

It was a prank.

You just sprayed the wrong dog.

We should have never gotten married,

and I'm really, really sorry.

Divorce papers?

You're better off without me.

So the reason Phil and I called you here tonight is

to let you know that we have made

the mutual decision to get divorced.

The big D.

You know, we truly do want what's best for each other.

Which means we'll be avoiding each other like the plague.

I'm just kidding.

Carol knows that my door is always open.

Oh, not as open as my door

that you promised to fix but never did!

We'll never lose this.

This is, uh, here to stay.

Hey, to Carol.

Oh.

I sincerely hope you find the happiness

that I was never able to give you.

And... And I mean that.

And to Phil.

Thank you for three wonderful weeks of marriage.

Three weeks?

Specifically, the first day and a half was really something.

Hear, hear. Hmm.

Ah, enough chit-chat.

Who wants to dance?

Hit it, Gail.

Carol, I'm throwing paint into a wood chipper

right now for no reason!

Just mindless, messy fun.

'Cause I don't have to answer to anybody anymore!

Anybody!

Oh, shoot.

Ugh, whatever.

Come in.

Gail.

Hey, Phil.

Hey, indeed. Hey, indeed.

What can I do you for?

I did not realize

that you and Carol were only married for three weeks.

That puts kind of a different little spin on things.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I just thought I'd come by and see

if maybe you wanted to have a little fun.

Well, you know.

I love fun, you know?

Big fun enthusiast.

Uh... Mm.

What you, uh...

whatcha thinkin' 'bout, uh, fun-wise?

Um...

I'm sure we can think of something.

Oh, God, no doubt.

Two adults searching for fun.

Yeah, prospects are good.

So, uh...

We talking, like...

watch a movie or...?

No, Phil, I don't want to watch a movie.

Wh-Why? Do you want to watch a movie?

No, no, I just want to do whatever you want to do.

You know, whatever's in that mind of yours.

Well, Phil, you are in luck,

because a couple of very detailed plans

just popped into my head.

Why don't you, uh, debrief me?

That can be arranged.

Hey, guys.

Just picking up more of my stuff.

Divorce, right?

Carol, now's not the... the best time.

Oh, don't mind me.

You guys just go back to what you were doing.

Why don't I come back later,

say around 3:00?

Hmm.

Might be up doing some chores in my bedroom about that time.

Well, why don't we just meet up there?

Okay.

See you later, Phil.

A little breakfast for my lady. Aw.

Thank you, Todd.

You know how I love butt pancakes.

Oh, woops. Sorry.

An upside down butt. Yep.

Even better.

Well, I hope you like it.

And I mean that from the bottom of my upside-down butt.

What?

Nothing, I just...

I'm happier than I've ever been.

It's all because of you.

Todd...

No, I mean it... you know?

When I was out there, you know,

the world was dark and empty.

Then you came along, and you filled it with light.

I guess what I'm saying is...

I love you, Melissa.

Todd...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ah... Hey, Phil.

G'day, Erica.

G'day, cow.

Someone's in a good mood.

Oh, is she talking to you, girl?

You in a good moooooood?

A little cow humor.

So single life's treating you well?

Oh, yeah.

Breaking up was definitely in...

in everybody's best interest, you know?

And I wish Carol all the best.

And she does the same for me.

She's a good kid. Hmm.

And I'm a good kid.

We're good kids. Mm.

Hey, so I was thinking

about going on a hike later, at this bluff I found.

Yeah?

Do you have any interest in that?

I'll call that bluff any day of the week, you know?

Love to go on a hike with you.

Big hiking enthusiast.

Got all the gear, got the mindset.

Let's do it, let's do it.

Let's get that hike on.

Shall we say 5:00?

5:00 is perfect.

It's, like, heaven-sent.

I got a little appointment at 3:00, but knowing my history,

that won't last anywhere near two hours.

So 5:00 it is, yes, yes, yes.

I'll see you at 5:00.

I'll see you at 5:00.

You see what just happened there, didn't you?

Hey, bud. You okay?

Why are you out here walking all alone?

I told Melissa I loved her, and she didn't say anything back.

Oh, that's a major burn.

Oh, that's horrible.

You must feel like crap.

God, that is a bummer.

That's... that's big time.

That's a big time...

That sucks.

Yeah.

Hey, even if she wasn't into you,

we're the only two guys around, okay?

And she hates me, so I think you're safe.

You know, I just keep thinking,

you know, if we all showed up,

what's to say other people won't show up?

Relax, nobody else is gonna show up.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Because I am.

Look, I'm finally single again.

I-I'm friends with my ex, and I have two dates lined up,

one of which is a straight-up sex date.

I'm about 69% sure of that.

I have even more to lose than you.

And do I look nervous about it?

No, you don't.

Good.

'Cause I'm not.

Go ahead.

I got a good thing going here, Tucson.

I don't need anyone showing up to blow it for me.

Hmm.

Just a little insurance, and I am good to...

No...!

Oh, farts.

Help!

Help!

Oh, God, please help!

Please help me!

I can make that. I can make that.

If I land just right, I can make it.

I just have to land exactly right.

Just have to land it perfectly.

Two beautiful women waiting for you at home, Phil.

Now, stick the landing and get home

and make love to those women!

One...

Two...

Help me!

Help me, I'm gonna die up here!

Help!

I am so scared!

Phil?

It's 3:00.