Olsenbanden tar gull

Dedicated to Jean Paul Sartre on numerous requests

Valborg had to find work. It hasn't been easy.

The VAT is killing us and there's no buying on tick any more.

It's a credit squeeze.

I've found work as a domestic help.

I clean and cook and...

- Potluck! - Don't start, Basse!

Did I hear something about a beer?

Three ice cold beers.

Right, listen up.

- We've got a plan. - A phenomenal plan.

We've timed and checked it all out. I've got it right here.

We've made it all by ourselves.

Right... The bulldozer was my idea.

Go and do your homework and stop interrupting the grown-ups.

- Get lost. - You're mad.

That's enough!

- What is this? - Let me explain.

The new tobacconist is filthy rich. He sells loads of porn magazines.

Some days he's got several hundred kroner in the till.

We'll start the operation tomorrow at 5.43 p.m...

- Spare me. - It's a sure thing.

We were so looking forward to it.

- What now? - Fancy being millionaires?

- Sure... - But we'd like some cash as well.

- You could've just tagged along. - Yes, maybe you would have...

Do you mean to say you're not interested at all?

- Sure we are. - But you're not interested.

You babble about peanuts when I've got the caper of your lives.

"Tobacconist"! Well, who needs you!

Christ, Egon. We didn't mean it like that.

- Sure we'd like to be millionaires. - It just never works out.

- Shut up, Kjell. Egon has a plan. - Of course.

See? What it is, Egon?

Take it easy.

See this?

- Is it a drawing of a septic tank? - A picture puzzle?

Bah! It's the blueprint of an old German command bunker.

- See this X? - What's that?

A treasure! Millions in gold bullion and British and American currency.

- Now, how's that? - Crikey!

- But are you sure? - Dead sure. The map cost two beers.

But millions... Isn't it a bit too risky?

It won't be missed. It belonged to a German general planning to escape.

But he had to leave it behind when the war ended.

It's there for the taking if you know where it is. And we do!

- Brilliant! Right, Kjell? - Yes, but shouldn't we rather...

Shut up, Kjell. Don't you want to be a millionaire?

- Yes, but will it work? - A quitter is an arse.

- See? - No risk, no hassle.

It isn't even against the law. Every detail has been planned.

- We leave tomorrow morning. - What?

Where to?

- To Sørlandet. - What about Valborg?

- Sørlandet? - Yes, that's where the bunker is.

Is that really necessary? All the way down to Sørlandet?

Abroad? No, really, Kjell. Pull yourself together.

Sørlandet? I don't care what country it is.

Tell him you're not going anywhere.

Am I going too? Now? I can't. I haven't got a thing to wear.

Come on, Basse.

I'm sorry, but we can't bring all that.

Valborg, is all this necessary?

Should we just leave it all behind?

There's no room. You can buy new stuff instead of all this junk.

"Junk"? Are you just going to stand there and take it, Kjell?

Egon, you've gone too far.

- Enough is enough! - You never made an honest penny.

It's taken us years to pay it off and you want us to just give it up?

Never. You can leave without us. Take it upstairs again.

All right! Benny, let's get hold of another car.

It's summertime, the sun is shining everyone's having a lark

the boys are merry and drinking heavy in the park

hey diddle diddle hey diddle do I'm going to throw a cow pat at you

hey diddle diddle hey diddle do I'm going to throw a cow pat!

- I get a bit sentimental. - What? Right.

I've spent quite a few years there. But now I've seen the last of it.

How far is it to Sørlandet?

First we're going to Moss to catch the ferry to Horten.

We have to buy cigarettes and wine. How much can we bring?

You can't shop on the Bastøy ferry.

- It's a domestic line. - So?

Take it easy. Let's be thrifty now.

- Did we bring any money? - Don't worry.

We're going to get the better of those country hicks. Brilliant!

- I almost feel sorry for them. - Pros like us always get by.

Fill it up, please.

I can't sell less that 5 litres.

I'm devastated to hear that. I always buy your brand.

I value the extra acceleration gained by using Optimal Plus.

I have enjoyed its clean exhaust.

Not to mention the economy of your fantastic Economat additive.

Do you really want me to go to your competitors?

That would sadden me deeply.

- Super or Economy? - Super, please.

2.90, please.

- Could I have a receipt? - Yes, of course.

- Brilliant! - It was almost too easy.

But we prefer Mobil, you know?

Who is going to pay so we can have some fun

who is going to pay when all the money's gone?

- We're there now! - Where?

Sørlandet! There's the tunnel.

Straight on through and we're there.

- Where are we? - Sørlandet.

Where is Sørlandet anyway? Don't you have map?

Haven't you got an atlas, Basse?

Right, we are here.

Where's Oslo? And where is Sørlandet?

That's not very far.

- Do we have far to go? - A bit further.

We'll need more petrol then. But we'll just fool another Hick.

No problem.

Howdy.

- Fill it up, please. - Super, I suppose?

- Pardon? - Super, I suppose?

- And you want a receipt too? - Receipt? Yes...

Howdy.

You can fill this up when you're finished.

- Fill it up to the top. - Will do.

30 kroner for that spare. It's worth at least 50. That shitstick!

- I thought you said he was a Hick. - Enough!

- Is this right? - Yes, go on.

Aren't we there soon?

- We're out in the sticks now. - No, we're going to Køvstad.

- There can't be people living here. - I hope we aren't lost.

- There! - What? Where?

"To the beach". Brilliant!

All we have to do is find the bunker.

24613123.

Brilliant! Dollars and gold galore!

- Is it way down on the beach? - You're a genius, Egon.

Come along.

Don't leave me. It's scary here.

- Scary? - So quiet. And the smell...

- That's fresh air. Basse will stay. - That's not fair!

Women!

- Listen! - What?

It sounds like the train.

The sea!

Don't feel bad, Egon. Bunkers don't last forever.

- It's got to be here. - I want to go home.

Yes, let's go home and hit the tobacconist.

- You've been ripped off. - Nonsense!

I know it's here. It's got to be.

- Maybe it's just around the corner. - Okay.

- Come on. - Home?

No, we're not going home. We're moving on.

- Come and enjoy the sun. - I'd rather sit in the shade.

- What are you doing? - Reading.

I wonder how Dad is doing.

I can't go on. It's torture.

- Let's take a break. - Carry on!

There they are.

Almost there.

- Leave it. - What's wrong, sweetie-pie?

Are you feeling sick?

So, are we millionaires again?

It's a bum deal, Egon. You saw the place.

It was the wrong place. Go on.

These blisters need treatment.

Just cut them. I've got a switchblade.

There, there, now.

What's that racket?

Just like I said. The valves and the cylinder.

So I was right. I said it was the valves and the cylinder.

- What are you going to do about it? - What? Me? I can't...

Aren't you the driver?

It's your responsibility.

The car won't budge, so fix it. I'm waiting.

But how am I supposed to... I need some spare parts.

Stupid old banger! All because of Kjell and all his junk!

I won't stand for it. You're talking about my home.

Everything's ruined now. Valborg has lost her job and here we are.

- It's all your fault as usual, Egon. - My fault?

Yes, you and your plans. They never work.

And you know why? I'm surrounded by nitwits and amateurs.

You have no stamina. Always complaining about this and that.

- Blisters! - Kjell!

Help, I'm sick. Look at me.

We have to call the doctor. Do you think it's the plague?

"The human organism can survive several weeks of starvation."

"But it cannot do without water for more than three days at the most."

- Someone's coming. - Where?

It's a tow truck.

- Valborg, my love... - What?

We're saved.

Oh, and my face is a mess.

Thank God you came by. Our valves are blown.

Exactly.

Pardon me, where can we get something to eat?

Brilliant!

- Nice guy, eh? - Wasn't he a bit strange?

- He was completely wacko. - Don't talk like that.

It's not their fault they're from Sørlandet.

MATS MATSEN'S SCRAP IRON

Go ahead. You've got your work cut out for you.

Howdy. So you've met Pipsqueak.

Pipsqueak? Yes, he was kind enough...

Pipsqueak isn't as crazy as he looks. He couldn't hurt a fly.