Derek

I'm Derek Noakes.

I works here at Broad Hill... Nursing Home for the elderly, care home. Ripped By mstoll .

I oves it here. It's briiant .

Al my favouritest people are here .

My best friend is Dougie, right? And I also lives with him.

He's the caretaker here .

- You didn't hear me coming. - No.

I love wrestling. But he's got to be careful, cos I sneaks up, don't I?

Yeah.

And Kev, he's my other friend, as we .

He sometimes stays on the foor at Dougie's.

He doesn't work here. He doesn't work .

He doesn't do anything .

He's always talking about his... penis and testicles, isn't he?

That's all he's got.

And he doesn't even want his, he doesn't care about his, do you?

I'd get rid of it tomorrow.

You all right?

And best of all is Hannah .

She's the manager here, and she's the nicest person in the world.

She cares for everyone .

Everyone gets on here .

We, Dougie and Kev are always arguing,

but they likes that .

It's funny .

What are you looking at?

I knows.

- What? Hair.

I don't understand it, mate.

He said it's the worstest haircut what he's ever seen ever on planet Earth.

Don't worry about it. Anyway, it's nature.

It's not nature, mate. - It is nature. It is nature.

That's exactly what it is. This bit fucked off.

That bit stayed. Don't worry about it.

It's not your problem.

I've got so many best friends... I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Did I tell you my name, Derek Noakes?

- Hi. - Hey.

- You all right? - Yeah. You all right?

Yeah.

Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom.

He's a nice guy. We've been out for a drink.

That's it.

Tom, you know your ship?

- Yeah. - Could it beat a whale? Is it big enough?

- Whale? What, in a fight? - Yeah, if it was like...

- If they bumped into each other? - Yeah. Yeah.

I think we'd still survive.

What's that thing the whale does when it jumps up and splattens it?

- With a tail flick? - Yeah.

- What, you think, could it do that to... - Knock it over?

What about five whales?

If they were working together as a team?

- As a gang? - As a gang.

- If they were co-ordinated? - Yeah.

Five at once?

If a rhino was as big as a whale, could it beat a whale?

Cos that's, like, the most powerful, innit?

I think a rhino's smaller than a whale.

Yeah, I know, but if it was the same size, would it be...

- And it had the horn? - Yeah, yeah, charging at it.

- Yeah. - And, you know... it might...

You doing Hannah, mate?

What?

You doing Hannah? I'll take that as a yes, mate.

Ah, good call, wise choice. She doesn't put it about, so...

No?

Nah... She's not pregnant either.

I doubt there's any venereal disease

sort of banging around in her basement, so...

If I'm being honest with you, mate, I'd happily do her,

even if she was pregnant with venereal disease, so...

- That's very sweet of you. - Beggars can't be choosers, mate.

These lot aren't bothering you, are they?

No, no, no.

Derek's just been asking me every possible outcome of animals fighting

and Don Juan here has just told me you're not pregnant or diseased.

But don't worry, even if you were, he still would.

Still would.

The peope from the counci are coming in today,

so I'm running around, trying to make sure everything's in order.

Trying to stay one step ahead of the game.

Let's move these. Mick, no money.

I have now.

No, you can't gamble for money. The council are here.

This has got to go. Lesley, this has got to move, and this Hoover, please.

That's my favourite thing in here. Apart from the people.

Fred the frog.

Where's Dougie? That shouldn't be here.

Lesley, please, help me out.

You can't leave a Hoover in the middle of the floor!

Henry Hoover.

Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up for me, please?

Come on, Theresa, help me out. OK?

This area is fine.

This is Dougie's.

Lizzie, have you got your teeth in? OK.

Lizzie, can you just do a general check round for me?

Thank you. Dougie!

- If you'd like to have a seat. - Right, thank you.

I dread these council visits .

I don't know what they want to see me about.

It's probably to introduce another bit of red tape

to make my job even harder .

They don't care .

They just have to make sure that their costs come in on budget.

It's not good news, Hannah.

You see, in the budgets for the year,

obviously, we have to prioritise, and because this isn't a big home,

we thought it would be easiest to re-home the 20 or so residents...

- 22. - Oh, 22...

22 residents into a few of the bigger facilities

in and around the area.

I'm not re-homing them.

Well, I can understand your reluctance, but without funding,

it would be a struggle to run the home efficiently.

Well, it"s a struggle to run it efficiently with the funding.

Well, exactly. I do understand.

Do you?

Well, fine. Well, we'll fund the place ourselves.

Yeah, well, no, it's not quite that easy.

You see, you still have to show that you can provide

all the necessary standards.

You can't just let people live here and fend for themselves.

Sorry? Who do you think you're talking to?

Why would I let people fend for themselves?

No, no, Hannah, all I"m saying is

that at the moment we're assessing the situation.

If we think this can be funded despite the cuts,

we might be able to save the place.

I've never understood budgets when it comes to things like this.

It costs what it costs.

If it costs more than some person in a suit thought it would,

it doesn't mean we're overspending, it means your stupid guess was wrong.

50% of your total costs are on staff.

Could we streamline there?

What does "streamline" mean?

Oh, just trim away the fat, that's all.

They're snooping around now, trying to find ways to cut corners.

Good luck!

Oh, shit - Kev.

You've got to get rid of Kev. Council are in.

Get rid of him for about an hour.

Why an hour? He shouldn't be here full stop.

Just get rid of him.

He's harmless enough, you know, but Derek has taken a shine to him, so...

if he wasn't here, he'd be dead in a skip.

Bullshit, mate. It's bullshit.

- I had to touch him. - Well done.

He fucking stinks.

0h, dear.

- Where's Kev? - He's outside, airing.

- What? - I've put him outside to air. He stinks.

Dougie. Councilman.

This is the dining area.

I'm off. I'll see you later, Derek. See you later on.

Douglas... Dougie. This is Roger and this is?

- Karen. - Karen.

- This is Douglas. - Douglas.

He's our... caretaker and handyman,

and jack of all trades, really, aren't you?

You're responsible for everything, are you?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Right.

I'm getting off, yeah?

Oh, see you, then.

And this is the, er... telly area.

- Yes. - And a few of our residents.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

This is Derek.

Yeah - Derek, Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam.

Precious. What's your name?

I'm Roger, and this is Karen.

Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen. Roger.

Roger that.

Very good.

Maybe we could all have a chat...

- Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we? - Later.

- Shall I show you the bedrooms? - Would be good, yes.

OK, they're just through here.

- See you in a bit. - Bye-bye.

Bye.

You're a general fix-it man, are you?

Yeah, if it's broke, they call me, yeah, they call for Dougie.

What sort of training do you have, Dougie?

They just want to talk to the staff one on one, ask a few questions.

They're just chatting to Dougie now, so...

All I want to do is find out a few simple things

about what it is you actually do.

I've told you, I do everything.

I've got a broken cup here, that needs fixing.

I can see...

I've got a meerkat here, a solar-powered meerkat from the garden.

It's knackered. I'll fix that. I fixed the toaster this morning.

Right...

Pop back next week, all this will be sorted and I'll have

another pile of shit to fix! I don't know what you want from me.

I'm a little bit worried about the electrics thing, Dougie.

If you don"t have any training...

It's not that hard, Roger.